Because one post simply wasn’t enough, and because no one demanded a part two… But I know you really wanted one.
And because as a schoolboy I was taught never to begin a sentence with “because”, I have decided to indulge my inner-rebel. So there, Mr. Parker, shove that in your tweed jacket with elbow patches. That’s what you get for playing “Hide the weasel” with that gorgeous substitute teacher whose name escapes me now but whose rack was burned into my consciousness many years ago.
Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, I was going to present you with more concepts and thoughts on a blog-inspired television extravaganza. Let’s see…
ONE) Integrating my social media footprint – and all of you. The Bellman Chronicles, or whatever this proposed series would eventually be called would have to include my life as a blogger and a tweeter. And of course, who is the The Hook or The Terrible Hook without his followers/fans/friends? I’d love to reference people like William Shatner who have blocked me for the same reasons others follow me: I say, or rather, tweet, exactly what’s on my fractured mind.
Blogging about my bellman misadventures has landed me in hot water with hotel Management on occasion. There’s an episode.
I’ve had trolls threaten my life simply because I decided to defend a porn star who took her own life after enduring a seemingly-endless onslaught of shaming from strangers and people within her own industry. There’s an episode.
Online fans who have become friends have made the journey to Niagara just to see me. There’s an episode.
Other programs already include a social media quotient so this would add another endlessly-fascinating element to the mix. I realize you can’t be all things to all people… but you can try.
TWO) Rockin’ Ronnie would live on. I have a very specific plan for my dear departed friend, who, quite frankly, always made Cosmo Kramer look boring. Ronnie was nutty, yes, but he had a heart of gold and his eccentricities only served to make you love the guy even more.
He’d take lunch orders at eight in the morning. He’d tell little old ladies, “The Hook will be right up with your luggage!” Sure enough, I’d hear, “Oh Harold… that must be The Hook knocking on our door to deliver the bags!”
Ronnie would sing at the Bell Desk as I typed away on our workstation, pondering what my next post wold look like. To be honest, though, Rockin’ would adopt a very Shatneresque approach to his lobby “singing” and speak the lyrics to the Pina Coloda song in between calls. Seriously, Ronnie would start the song, leave to do a call, then return and pick up right where he left off, without missing a literal beat.
God, I miss that son of a bitch. He was one-of-a-kind. He was in a universe all his own. He was my friend.
THREE) Location, location, location. Theoretically, you could set a series revolving around the adventures of a bellman in any city but there’s something about setting a series in a border town like Niagara Falls that would add a distinctive flavor. I’m certainly biased but I firmly believe Canadians are some of the funniest mammals on the planet.
As for the Falls themselves, their raw power would certainly make for some stunning visuals, but their real appeal is the hold the cataracts have over lost souls. Barely a week goes by without another jumper adding their name to an ever-growing infamous list. Sure, suicide isn’t exactly what one would call “comedic fodder”, but that would be the challenge, wouldn’t it?
I want to create a show that mixes all the aspects of the human condition to create something you’ve never seen. I want you to laugh, to cry, to think about a world that exists right outside your door, one you never considered before.
FOUR) Travel is a writer’s greatest inspiration. Never mind love or war, travel is where it’s at. Anyone who has ever stood in a check-in line at an airport or a big hotel just has to open their eyes and mind to see the possibilities all around them. The same creatures exist in every line everywhere.
- The raging businessman, sighing in-between a very important convo on his cellphone. “Does anyone realize how much money I’m losing just by standing here?”
- The horny couple who can’t keep their hands off each other. Watching a pair of randy lovers try to inconspicuously dry-hump in a lobby filled with dozens of strangers is comedy gold.
- Frat boys, sorority girls and bachelorettes with their blow-up dolls, naughty cakes, kegs and various tools-of-their-particular-lecherous-trade never fail to inspire. (Modern-day bachelor parties never live up to the impossible standard set by The Hangover movies, I’m afraid. You can’t pull the same crap those guys did without real world consequences, my friends.)
- That one cranky old feller who is mad as hell and ain’t gonna take it anymore. Old folks are great; they can say whatever comes into their head and get away with it. Think about it, who’s going to publicly berate an old person? You’ll look like an asshole.
FIVE) Original opening and closing credits. I’m thinking of a different opening sequence hosted by a different cast member or guest star every week. As for the closing credits, well, we all know people tune out for those. Hell, these days some networks split-screen the closing credits to showcase the next show, but if I can come up with something unique enough they’ll have to abandon that practice all-together.
That’s all for now. You may now return to reading spoilers for The Walking Dead and the next Star Wars flick.
See you in the lobby, kids…
Here’s hoping these posts are just the first step in a long filmed journey, friends…