This may be difficult to believe, but my childhood and early adolescence weren’t peppered with incidents of extreme human absurdity and smartassery on my part.
Don’t get me wrong, my early days were dominated by bizarre adventures, parental physical abuse, tragedy and violent incidents I’m tired of discussing – but I wasn’t the weirdness magnet you’ve been reading about for years.
But I certainly am now.
Which brings me to yesterday’s latest “Hook Moment”. (Don’t sue me, Twitter, I’m broke as shit.) So anyway, I was rolling my handy-dandy luggage cart through the lobby at the height of the Sunday morning check-out frenzy when I happened upon (yes, people actually speak/write like that!) a most peculiar and disturbing sight.
(Well, it would’ve been peculiar if it wasn’t happening to me.)
That beast known as Canadian Winter has begun it’s relentless onslaught and so Hornblower (that’s the company that runs the boat tours of the Falls) has ended their season. As is the case every year, the hotel has dozens of plastic rain hoodies left over. These hoodies are displayed in the lobby in a stand with a sign that lets our guests know they can help themselves if they so choose.
A young black boy was attempting to retrieve a few of these hoodies for his family when a pack of four American rednecks brushed him out of the way and began inexplicably searching through the pile of identical hoodies.
Obviously this wasn’t cool with me. I’ve been that little kid; shoved away by a pack of bullies. Obviously I’ve never been black (I’m as white as Brooke Shields) but I honestly don’t think I could live with myself if I let this opportunity pass. And so as I walked by I let a single sentence, spoken loudly and clearly, equalize the situation.
“Trust me, fellas… you won’t find any white hoods in there.”
The little boy’s mama asked her husband, “Did that bellboy say what I think he said?”
The little boy laughed until he peed. Seriously, he said, “Momma, that man’s so funny… I peed a little!”
Several members of the sizable check-out crowd in earshot laughed out loud.
And one of the Rednecks even chuckled.
My younger self was far too scared and beaten down by the world to even think about trying to pull that off, but the fires of time have forged a man who just doesn’t give a damn anymore.
See you in the lobby, kids…