(Super exciting title, right?)
But let’s get down to brass tacks: NaBloPoMo stands for “National Blog Posting Month.” The goal of NaBloPoMo is for participants to write a post a day for an entire month. This, of course, mirrors NaNoWriMo, in which participants push themselves to the edge of sanity (with the help of wine, beer, smokes, chocolate and most likely plenty of sex breaks) by writing… get ready for it… a fifty-thousand word novel in a month.
To be clear, I salute anyone who can achieve either goal. If this applies to you, you’re a damn superhero. As for me, not only am I not a superhero, I can barely function as a baseline human being these days.
And so writing a 50k novel or 30 consecutive blog posts in a month is so out of the question it’s not even funny. But I feel I owe you more of an explanation, so here are a few more reasons why I’m not throwing my hat in the November binge-writing ring.
ONE) It took me two hours to come up with my first reason. And this is it. Do I really need to say more?
TWO) I just escaped from Kevin Spacey’s basement and I’m knackered. What? Family Guy made this joke twelve years ago and no one complained. Give me a break, guys, I’m reaching here!
THREE) The absurdity of this world constantly has my brain alternating between sanity and scrambled eggs. Case in point: the Canadian Prime Minister’s Halloween costume…
FOUR) I just got Netflix! Yes, I was that person you always heard of, the urban legend you assumed didn’t really exist. I was the last person on Earth who hadn’t signed up for the greatest TV service on the planet.
But now I have. So the world is literally at my fingertips.
FIVE) There’s just so darn much to watch on the internet, who has time – or the wrist dexterity – to write?
SIX) The off-season is in full effect in Niagara Falls. Sure, the hookers, corporate d-bags, pimps, drunks, frat boys, sorority chicks, bachelorettes and the usual suspects are still around, but the odds are no longer in my favor in terms of interacting with them as often. So without new material I’m pretty much useless. There are however, exceptions. Take this example of gallows humor courtesy of a scary young man and make of it what you will:
TEN-YEAR-OLD TIMMY (YES, TIMMY): (As I collect his family`s belongings from the room the morning of Nov. 1) Did you see what happened in New York, Mr. Bellman? I bet that guy won’t get his deposit back on that truck from Home Depot! Hope he took out the insurance!
ME: Wow. That’s an… interesting… sense of humor you have there… sir.
TIMMY: My name’s Timmy!
MOM: Who has time for originality anymore?
To be fair, she was most likely too busy smoking and doing drugs while pregnant to be original.
TIMMY: My dad says I have a… what’s it called, Mom?
ME: A small tumor in the base of your skull?
MOM: (Getting annoyed with me but hanging in there.) A gallows sense of humor.
Mom later informed that Timmy had suffered some sort of serious trauma early on and his sense of humor, though shocking and disturbing, helped him cope. Who am I to judge? Any serious comic (?) will tell you humor can, and should be, found in any situation.
ME: (Deciding to salvage my tip by any means necessary.) Oh! Well, in that case… do you know Home Depot’s motto, Timmy?
ME: “You can do it… We can help!”
TIMMY: Oh… my… God! I can’t help it.. I love it!
Tip salvaged – at the expense of my dignity and maybe some readers? Either way, please don’t judge me too harshly. But if you do, I understand. Truth be told, in that moment I didn’t like myself very much. But knowing myself as I do I can honestly say that I knew where I was coming from, so it”s all good.
SEVEN) I’m more than a little distressed by the fact that every single male in Hollywood appears to be a sexual predator these days. Seriously, everyone from Brett Ratner to Jeremy Piven to Kevin Spacey is cursing Weinstein for finally being dragged into the light of day. Hollywood is a giant rock that Ashley Judd lifted and threw away, exposing a yet-to-be-determined number of bugs.
Trust me, ladies, there are decent men out there who, while they love sexual activity, are more than willing to wait for consent before indulging. But this culling was long overdue anyway, so while my heart goes out to the victims, I’m relieved to see the fire of change sweeping across Tinsel Town right now. Let’s hope something good and decent can be built once the ashes are swept away by the winds of change.
EIGHT) I’m sick and tired of watching an endless number of writers/bloggers succeed where I’ve failed. I know I’m being a petty, jealous douche, but I’m willing to own it. So there.
The truth is, I feel like a failure as a writer and it sucks watching my dreams slip further and further away into nothingness.
NINE) In spite of my best efforts, the aging process is taking it’s toll on my form. I’m just plain tired and achy so writing just doesn’t appeal to me right now.
TEN) I miss my friend. His death and the circumstances that led to it have taken a greater toll on me than I ever could have imagined. And that’s all I have to say about that.
See you in the lobby, kids… but not every day for a month.