Thank you for continuing this journey with me, even though it’s taken awhile.
Now, where to begin… Oh wait, I know!
51) “Where was I?”
Honestly, I ask myself that question a million times a day. I’m guilty of starting so many things that go unfinished but with the exception of my wife, I get away with it every time.
Speaking of that question, where did we leave off last time? Oh, that’s right, I had thrown my back out bending over to change a garbage bag at home and my mortality was mocking me. Then I had to go to work the next day. That was fun…
52) “Why did that luggage tag slip from my fingers and land on the floor… a trillion miles away from me? Where’s that kung-fu grip I normally have whenever something important is in my hands?
53) “How do I develop telekinetic powers in the next sixty seconds?”
54) “WHY IS THAT DAMN TAG SO FAR AWAY!!!!”
Eventually I find a way to adapt and survive. (I’m like a cockroach that way.) And so my day progresses as usual. And of course, by “as usual”, I mean “anything but usual.”
55) “How could that family actually think it was a good idea to convert a laundry basket into a traveling gerbil cage? That thing gnawed through the plastic in seconds. It’s fuckin’ gone!”
56) “Can’t believe there are so many high class hookers around the last few days. Niagara Falls never sees this level of quality in sex workers.”
57) “There’s a gathering of lawyers in town? Well, that explains everything…”
58) “So we have a legal convention in town, one of the world’s biggest, deepest watery holes, and plenty of rope and big rocks… and no one sees the opportunity to do some real good in the world?”
TRULY RANDOM THOUGHTS WHILE ROLLING A LUGGAGE CART ACROSS THE LOBBY FLOOR TO THE ELEVATORS.
59) “When was the last time I washed my uniform?”
60) “Oh wait… I’m not allowed to do the laundry anymore. Not since the Great Strawberry Shortcake T-shirt Debacle of 2008.”
61) “How much helium does Ariana Grande have to inhale on a daily basis to get her voice that high?”
62) “How the hell do I know who Ariana Grande is?”
63) “There’s a corporate D-bag so entranced by his phone that he doesn’t see that he’s on a collision course with my cart? What should I do? Be a hero and adjust my path… or let fate decide?”
64) “Oh wait, I remember him… he stiffed me on the way in.”
65) “Wow, his head made a helluva ‘THUNK!’ as it bounced off the cart’s brass rail. I’m so glad I let fate decide…”
66) “Look at that couple dry humping in what they think is an out-of-the-way corner of the lobby. I’m going to have to call the Lobby Attendant; she’s going to need a mop…”
67) “There’s a big ass line for the service elevators?”
68) “Now there’s a big ass line for the guest elevators?”
69) “I need to find a radioactive spider, so I can climb up the side of the damn building. Of course then I’d still have to carry all this shit with me. If I was Kryptonian I could fly the cart up to the 40th floor, though I’d still have to get through the window…”
Yes, I now realize that not including a sex thought was a massive misuse of my 69th thought…
70) “Okay, now I’m in an elevator. But it’s filled with idiots.
WHAT I’M THINKING AS I’M STANDING OUTSIDE A DOOR, WAITING FOR A GUEST TO RESPOND TO MY PERSISTENT KNOCKING.
71) “Where the hell are these anteaters? My head’s pounding from all this knocking. I’m really going to have to start using my hands.”
72) “I can hear you in there, you morons…”
73) “Are they? They’re totally doing it! Why do this keep happening to me?”
74) “‘Surrender, Dorothy?’ People actually say that during sex? But why is she saying it?
75) “I’m going to keep knocking, so you better stop banging, you horny idiots! Why do so many people call for their bags then start going at it when they know I’m on my way to the room? Do these people want to be interrupted? It can’t be healthy to cease the proceedings mid-penetration.”
76) “Now she’s whispering, ‘The bellboy is at the door, Phillip! We have to stop!’ Gee, you think so, lady?”
77) “Phillip doesn’t seem to want to stop… or should I call him Dorothy?“
78) “Finally, someone’s coming… to the door. Sorry about your luck, Phillip.”
79) “Please,please, please let it be the half-naked chick that answers the door for once! If I have to see another half-naked, out of shape goofball in his skivvies I’ll lose whatever’s left of my mind…”
80) “It’s the chick, thank God! But now I have to keep it together while I bring in the bags. Don’t stare at her rack that’s barely being covered by her lace bra… don’t stare at her rack that’s barely being covered by her lace bra…”
81) “Phillip is waaaay older than his lady friend? Good for him! But I can’t believe the human body can adsorb enough Viagra to make up for that age difference!”
82) “Thank God Phillip got his girlfriend into a t-shirt. My eyeballs were sweating.”
83) “Two bucks? Seriously, Phillip? I’m going to assume the blood just hasn’t returned to your geriatric brain.”
RANDOM STUFF THAT FLOATS THROUGH MY BRAIN AS I WAIT IN THE LUGGAGE/BELL ROOM FOR MY NEXT CALL.
84) “Still can’t believe I was the only non-Brown person in the cafeteria today. Does thinking this make me racist?”
85) “If I’m a racist in my mind… does that mean I’m a cheater for having far-from-pure thoughts about females other than my lovely bride?”
86) “Aw, screw it. I’m too old to care about these things. Besides, VampireLover always tells me she doesn’t care anyway. ‘Go ahead and step out… I don’t care! I pity the chick that has to listen to the cacophony of sleeping noises you make!’ she always tells me.”
87) “I wonder whatever happened to the chick that played Lacey Underall in Caddyshack? She was so hot.”
88) “Come to think of it, my life is pretty much Caddyshack in 4D. I’m a working-class Danny Noonan who finds himself swept up in the chaos that happens when both the snobs and the slobs visit Niagara Falls on vacation.”
89) “Of course, I don’t get to lay down with any of the numerous Lacey Underalls that I encounter, do I? Oh well, I married my own Lacey Underall… so I got that going for me. Which is nice.”
SITTING AT THE BELL DESK WATCHING THE LOBBY CHAOS UNFOLD.
90) “There’s actually a Kardashian wannabe having softcore phone sex via video chat while sitting on a bench the lobby? Granted, there’s only eight or ten people in the lobby, and four of them are Asian, which means they only amount to one person all-together, but still, that’s nuts!”
91) “Now she’s walking around the lobby while having softcore phone sex via video chat. That should end well.”
Precisely thirteen seconds later…
92) “Annnddd she just walked into the revolving glass door. She’s not down, but she’s sobbing. Oh, her screen is cracked. So sorry about your luck, Fake Kim K.”
93) “There’s a family of five, on vacation together, but completely disconnected from one another because they’re all on their phones. Sweet Zombie Jesus, modern parents suck these days.”
WHILE SCANNING NEWS FEEDS AT THE DESK.
94) “Hundreds of white nationalists and counter-protesters are exchanging chants and slogans at two White Lives Matter rallies in Tennessee? Nazis are like cockroaches; you can crush millions of them but new ones spring up in different outfits/ideologies eventually.”
95) “Do we really need organizations dedicated to defending the rights of specific colors of people? Don’t all lives matter?”
96) “Wait, I take it back… there’s the jackasss from Montreal who stiffed me yesterday. His life definitely doesn’t matter.”
97) “This world’s been tearing itself to pieces ever since the second tadpole crawled up out of the primordial ooze and decided it didn’t like the looks of the first tadpole. We’ll never get it right, but there’s always hope, I suppose.”
98) “Speaking of hope, I can’t really dredge up any for my ‘writing career’. Everywhere I look there’s a new platform for writers, especially where television is concerned. Murdoch Mysteries just hired four new writers. It seems like most of the bloggers I know are forging new paths for themselves. And me? Well, I’m drowning ever so slowly. I shudder to think where I’d be if I didn’t have my family to keep me centered.”
99) “Why do people always say, ‘Watch your step!’… after someone trips?”
100) “I wonder if anyone is going to give a damn about this list? Or for that matter, my ‘work’ in general?”
See you in the lobby, kids…