Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau (the selfie guy!) government’s recently-reported changes to Canada’s citizenship guide have inspired me to consider what I would do if such a monumental undertaking was left in my hands.
I know what you’re thinking, but trust me, Canada would be one unbelievably-kick-ass country if The Hook was in charge. It wouldn’t be boring, that’s for damn sure…
Of course, this country’s looking pretty damn good to the world simply because of who isn’t running it these days, am I right?
So let’s examine a few of my citizenship guidelines, shall we? But first, here is the actual oath of Canadian Citizenship as it stands today:
I swear (or affirm)
That I will be faithful
And bear true allegiance
To Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second
Queen of Canada
Her Heirs and Successors
And that I will faithfully observe
The laws of Canada
And fulfill my duties as a Canadian citizen.
Now let’s see how far into the ground I can grind these ideals…
ONE) Forget everything you’ve ever heard about Canada from Americans. This country is nothing like the image the average Yankee carries within them… so push whatever you’ve read, heard or seen that may have come from the United States out of your mind. Canada has to be experienced, not studied.
And for the record, while I have no axe to grind with Her Majesty, the Queen, I don’t give her a second thought. And neither does anyone else I know.
TWO) End any sentence with “eh?” and you’ll be beaten within an inch of your life. Again, Canada is not a stereotype in 4D, it’s a wholly-unique nation of literate, well-spoken individuals. Okay, so some of our citizens are inbred rednecks, it’s true. But I don’t live near or personally know any politicians, so who cares about them?
THREE) Be respectful of the unknown and new. Canada is the great melting pot of the northern hemisphere. Period.
Now that we’ve established that, here’s my point. You are going to see things that seem strange. You are going to see things that will seem bizarre and counter-productive. You are going to see things that will seem to make no sense to you whatsoever.
Embrace these new experiences and draw what you can from them. There’s power to be found in the unknown, my friends.
FOUR) Use your government-issued stipend wisely. All new citizens will be issued one thousand dollars in Canadian Tire money. We suggest you use it to purchase items every Canadian uses on a daily basis. These include, duct tape, a garden hose (for washing down your driveway if you’re European), and of course, a Philips screwdriver.
And yes, we realize you have to spend another thousand dollars in actual money to get ten cents in CT cash. Welcome to our world, citizens.
FIVE) The Equality of Women and Men? Yeah, right! In Canada, men and women are equal under the law.
However, if you’re married you know “equality” is simply a word, nothing more. I have been married twenty-two years. My wife and I were equal for a a nanosecond. Then I said “I do.”, which actually means, “I do… hereby relinquish all rights and privileges associated with the concept known as free will.”
Until death so us part. And beyond.
So if you’ve journeyed from a nation/culture that doesn’t recognize this universal truth ( that women are in charge) no deity is going to be able to help you, so you better pray they have mercy on your soul, friend.
SIX) Defending Canada. There is no compulsory military service in Canada. (Why do you think I’m still here?) However, you’re more than welcome to serve in the armed forces if khaki is your color and you like the concept of serving in a military that every other nation mocks vigorously. Seriously, even Greenland laughs at us.
So if you’re like me, the military won’t be in your future. But if you still feel like defending your new nation’s honor there are a few options open to you:
- Get into it with any American you see. (not physically, of course, but you can still whup their ass verbally.)
- Volunteer in your adopted community. (You’ll be improving your microverse and this will enrich Canada as a whole. The Butterfly Effect rocks.)
- Vote! Too many people in every country in the world shirk this responsibility and look where it’s landed us as a planet. be the change or be a jackass, it’s up to you.
SEVEN) In this country, we’re lovers not fighters. From the actual Canadian Citizenship Guide:
Canada’s openness and generosity do not extend to barbaric cultural practices that tolerate spousal abuse, “honour killings,” female genital mutilation, forced marriage or other gender-based violence.
Let those words soak in, people. Canadians may be pacifists at heart but never mistake mercy for weakness. Inflict violence on others while on Canadian soil and we’ll fuck you up. Period.
EIGHT) Cursing is not only allowed (obviously) but encouraged. I’m not going to lie to you, you’re going to find life in Canada hard at times. But so what? You’re made of glass are you?
Nut up or shut up, my friend!
Curse all you like. Find your stress relief wherever you can. With some exceptions of course:
- Stay off the booze. (My childhood was irreparable damaged by alcoholism; don;t make the same mistakes my parental units did or I’ll kill ya.)
- Gambling is just that. And the House always wins.
- Drugs are certainly tempting but they’ll drag you down and smother you.
- Porn is… well, good old-fashioned mainstream porn is fine so stick with that.
NINE) Accept that you don’t know everything… and neither do I. So this is the end. Almost. Only you can determine just what sort of Canadian you’re going to be. So take your time, pay attention to those of us who are already here, and figure it out at your own pace.
TEN) Canada is a concept, not a place. Canadians aren’t Americans, so don’t go down that road. They rarely make war pictures about our army. We’re not the world’s police force; we’re the guys who pick up the pieces from other’s conflicts.
We can hold our own against anyone but we prefer to talk it out until the last possible second. Canada is peaceful resolution embodied.
We can destroy with the best of them but we prefer to create. Canada is creativity realized.
We can be as obnoxious as any other jackass watching a game at a bar but we prefer to be respectful. Unless our team wins… then we’ll be a pain in the ass for hours. Canada is honesty personified.
We can drink anyone under the table (with the exception of the Irish) but we prefer to use our powers wisely. Canada is control achieved.
Tho my wife would argue that not all Canadians have the same level of control. Then again, I believe she’s referring to something else entirely in those instances…
If you’re reading this you’re one of us now. We’ve got your back. Have fun out there, you newly-minted Canuck…