There are many things one can choose to be in this life but you can’t pick your parents or where you’re going to escape from the womb.
That said, I’m damn glad my origin story began North of the border. Here’s why.
ONE) Our leader, while obsessed with selfies and his own smile… isn’t Donald Trump.
TWO) We’re known the world over for our cuisine (though poutine isn’t exactly a shining example of what we’re capable of in the kitchen) and our role as peace keepers.
Though my wife will kick your ass nine ways to Sunday if you cross her.
THREE) Canada is home to some of the sexiest creatures on the planet. And I’m not just talking about me…
By the way, Miss Cuthbert married a hockey player. it doesn’t get any more Canadian than that.
FOUR) WE CREATED SUPERMAN! It’s a fact. Get over it, America.
FIVE) Our money pisses Americans off. So I have to admit, that makes me quite happy.
“It’s so many different colors! And you’ve got one dollar and two dollar coins with weird-ass names like ‘the loonie’! What the hell’s going on in this country?” – Actual quote from an American guest. Man, that eleven-year-old girl was surly.
SIX) William Shatner is one of ours. Yes, that fact is a double-edged sword, I know. But in the end, he gave the world Captain Kirk, Denny Crane and more hammy performances wrapped up into a career spanning decades than any actor will ever be able to lay claim to. So that’s nice, right?
Life in this country is not only hard at times, it’s wacky as fuck. I love that about my home and native land.
EIGHT) Our version of Niagara Falls is green, lean and filled with some of the coolest souls in the Multiverse. And I’m not just talking about me…
Okay, so this pic isn’t exactly “green”. Shut up.
NINE) Prostitution is legal in Canada. Buying the services of a prostitute is not.
Okay, so we’re also complicated as fuck. I also love that about us.
TEN) Canada has no weapons of mass destruction since 1984 and has signed treaties repudiating their possession.
We’re defend our land with our lives, but at our core, we’re lovers, not fighters.
ELEVEN) Dildo is a town on the island of Newfoundland, Canada.
Need I say more?
Happy 150th, Canada. I love this country and all it stands for. Like towns named after sex toys, a national animal that makes people giggle and think of a female sex organ and our reputation as a nation of decent, harmless folks.
Who will fuck your shit up if you go too far in mocking us.
See you in the northern, non-frozen lobby, kids…