The Least Romantic Conversation I’ve Ever Overheard.

There are other things/calamities unfolding in my life that I could use this space to discuss… but I need to wrap myself in the familiar, the absurd, the not-so-normal that has become perfectly normal in my existence. If I don’t, if I give into despair and worry, my mind will surely break.

So here we go.

A bellman is many things: a pack-horse, a mobile concierge, a sympathetic shoulder to cry on, in some extreme cases, a dealer/pusher, and above all… a bellman is a witness.

To more than you can ever imagine.

We see it all. Literally. (Why do people keep the door open when they start having coitus and they know I’m coming up with luggage? Why?)

Raging fathers. Birth. (I didn’t even see my own daughter’s entrance to this world from that vantage point.) Alcoholic mothers. (Boxed wine is a powerful drug.) Death. (It sucks every bit as much as you can imagine.) Nutty rugrats, hopped up on Red Bull.

And everything in-between.

Including an early Saturday morning convo between two mammals that probably shouldn’t be anywhere near one another, never mind involved in a coupling. She was a dead ringer for Canadian, uber-actress Dani Kind of the smash CBC hit comedy Workin’ Moms, with a few piercings, blazing crimson locks, piercing, deep-set eyes blue eyes, a thin frame and a surgically-enhanced rack to die for.

He looked like your accountant’s nephew.

They were the original romantic version of the Odd Couple.

I rolled on by them as they bickered in the middle of the fiftieth floor; I didn’t get the finer points but the gist was this: she was pissed. My duties as a bellman prevented me from lingering and eavesdropping so I continued on my way and began to load up luggage for a whole mess of Asians. And yes, I said “duties”. Get over it.

By the way, Asians are awesome guests to serve; they’re friendly as hell and their accent/super speed speech always makes me smile. But back to our regularly-scheduled victims guests: the Asians started out ahead of me, chattering away and moving through the hall as a single, hyper-active unit.

Sort of like a human sharknado.

But anyway, they moved ahead, which conveniently left me to slooowly make my past our intrepid heroes as she delivered one of the greatest lines of all time…

“I hate your stupid face… but you have a big cock and you know how to use it… so yes, I’ll marry you.”

She spit those venomous-yet-sweet words in the direction of her lover with a calm, measured pitch and little or no enthusiasm. But he was happy to be covered in her… love? (For lack of a more appropriate word.) He reached for her, she opened her arms with all the grace of a department store mannequin and they began to make out… and dry hump against the wall… in the middle of the hall.

Ain’t love – or whatever the hell that was – grand?

I’d be a fool to try to follow that spectacle.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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15 Responses to The Least Romantic Conversation I’ve Ever Overheard.

  1. oceanswater says:

    I’d give a couple thousand $$ just to shadow you at work one day. It sounds like it would be worth every cent. 😂😂😂😂

  2. Marion Hardy says:

    You have left me speechless Hook and that’s not easy to do!!!!!

  3. davidprosser says:

    You really should wear a minicam and a wire.
    I’m really sorry things aren’t great for you at the moment.My ear is available should a scream ever help.

  4. Some people just makes the world worth every dime of it. Like some president. This comment of your heroine must be the best ever wove and answer to a marriage proposal. Indeed a classical line. LOL. On a different note, I do enjoy Tim Roth as a bellboy. That man is never over the top.

  5. shimoniac says:

    That almost defies description, what does come to mind is, “Ewww…”

  6. umashankar says:

    I say, Sir, is the Nobel Academy reading this? Here is the new age Henrik Johan Ibsen, a digital age Émile-Édouard-Charles-Antoine Zola!

  7. I cannot imagine having to witness that kind of ugliness. My sympathies. Of course, it does make great reading. Well done.

  8. Let us all pray that they do not procreate. Wow

  9. List of X says:

    I’m not a trained marriage counselor, but I’m pretty sure this marriage isn’t going to work out.

  10. Doug in Oakland says:

    Best possible take: Apparently she knows what is important to her?

  11. The age of romance is indeed dead…

  12. OMG! just… OMG! When I started reading that line, that was SOOOO NOT THE WAY I EXPECTED IT TO END!!!! LMAO! 😂😂😂😂 You have definitely heard and seen it all Hook… you have heard and seen it all!!!!

  13. Tara says:

    I guess you can’t always have everything….

  14. Who ever said romance was dead, huh?

  15. curvyroads says:

    Oh Robert, people are just gross. And like someone else commented, hopefully they don’t last long enough to procreate.

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