Through The Inner Chaos, The IBS-Induced Mental Haze And The Usual Madness… A Post From The Hook.

Admittedly, I haven’t had the desire to blog lately.

But that doesn’t mean my life has suddenly become boring, by any means. Indeed, the weirdness quotient in the Niagara Falls hospitality hasn’t diminished one iota, especially since the summer season has finally begun after the longest winter of my bellman career.

Of course, every winter feels like the longest winter of my bellman career, so…


I still feel like this most days… but I’m hanging in there.


But back to the hospitality trenches; the world is a wonderfully-diverse place, my friends, one that is inhabited by beings capable of amazing feats of heroism and equally-shocking madness.

For example…

ONE)  As I write this post, two of my fellow bellmen are chowing down on SOUO (seafood of unknown origin) that they acquired from a guest last night. They have no idea where the is mystery lobster, crab, etc. came from, and judging by the speed at which they are consuming it… they don’t care.

For all we know, this seafood was never properly refrigerated. (It sat in our luggage room bar fridge since last night but that particular appliance is not to be considered a reliable source of food storage.) Nevertheless, they’ve been munching away for a half hour. I’ll let you know if they begin to show signs of an infestation of any sort. To be honest, a zombie outbreak in a thousand-room luxury hotel spurred on by radiation-soaked seafood would make for great blog fodder.

But I couldn’t get that lucky, could I?


TWO)  Stephen K, my wife’s favorite Elvis impersonator (or as some prefer, “tribute artist”) is returning to the Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort this September and it goes without saying that she has already secured two sets of front-row tickets. This leaves me the summer to muster enough enthusiasm to avoid hearing, “Why aren’t you getting into it, boy? This is FANTASTIC!”, something I hear every single time I’ve seen this show with my lovely bride.

And God help me if I say, “You do realize that while he’s an amazing performer, he’s not the real Elvis, right?”

That is not a wise statement for a husband to make if he plans on acquiring any physical affection from his spouse after the show. Trust me on this.


THREE)  The usual ladies of the evening – most of whom I see during the day – have been around but I’ve also noticed hookers arriving in groups. I can’t be certain if said hookers are actually servicing their clients in groups or if they’re merely sharing traveling expenses, but either way, these gals are more conspicuous in large numbers than they are solo. But they don’t appear to care so why should I? In a way I admire their moxie; they know who they are, what they want from life and most importantly, how to get it.

How many of can honestly make that claim?


FOUR)  Travelers still feel confident they can bend the laws of space and time and begin and fully complete a physical encounter in the time it takes a bellman to reach their room with luggage. I truly loathe having to deal with a guest who has been interrupted mid-coitus; these people are not happy about having to climb off one another, get dressed (barely in most cases) and hobble over to the door to let me in – while they were trying to do the same.

To be clear, and not for the last time, I’m sure… As a bellman it is my job to deliver guest luggage within my establishment’s set time parameter. In my particular case that means I have to do everything in my power to arrive at your room within fifteen minutes, horny traveler. So if you plan on engaging in coitus after requesting your luggage be sure you can fit in (if you don’t mind the pun) the appropriate amount of begging, foreplay, thrusting in more than one position and the requisite number of apologies that accompany a standard physical encounter, before I arrive at your room.

On a personal note, I’ll never understand how guests think they can pull this stuff off (pun intended). It takes me longer than fifteen minutes to decide who gets tied up…


If you’re going to engage in this sort of activity, please… wait until after I’ve delivered your luggage.

And on that personal note, see you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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18 Responses to Through The Inner Chaos, The IBS-Induced Mental Haze And The Usual Madness… A Post From The Hook.

  1. Good one, Hook. These vignettes had a lot of laugh appeal.

  2. hehehe you know, my wife keeps reminding me that the “average” is about 3 minutes. I’m not sure if foreplay and wrap-up is included in this, but I’m not asking. It’s a huge ego boost to be ahead of the curve (most of the time;))

  3. I’m with you on Elvis impersonators. The guy’s been dead for 40 years, for goodness sake. Or working in that maccie D’s in Wisconsin

  4. Allie P. says:

    SOUO? That’s a whole level of bravery I can hardly comprehend.

  5. shimoniac says:

    SOUO, I’d be on the side taking bets on whether or not either or both of them survive. 😀

  6. curvyroads says:

    I know you aren’t feeling well, so I wish you could give yourself the gift of the laughs you give us. 😍

  7. julie says:

    Bahahahahaha! Day brightened. Check. Thank you!

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