30 Things Canadians Will Say This Victoria Day.

Yes, it is the long weekend in Canada, also known as Victoria Day.

Ans yes, I’m still feeling out of sync with the rest of the Multiverse, so here is a quick but hopefully amusing post for your perusement. Here are thirty sentences that Canadians will utter today.

Besides, “What the hell is Victoria Day all about anyway?” I mean…

“Respect my sacred day or face my Royal wrath, Sir Hook!”

1)  “I have no idea how much I’ve had to drink today, Marge… and frankly, I don’t care!”

2)  “Okay, we’ll (insert normally-forbidden sex act of your choice) but only this once because my mother has the kids!  This isn’t becoming a habit!”

3)  “Did anyone watch the new Twin Peaks last night?  Does anyone know what the hell that was all about?  I thought my maybe weed had gone bad!”

4)  Let’s take a selfie!”

5)  “Hey, you know what would be fun?  Let’s take a post-coital selfie!”

Followed, of course, by…

6)  “I’m not going to put it on the net or show it to my friends… I swear!”

7)  “Actually, I think Trump’s not doing a half-bad job.”

To which the only reply can possibly be…

8)  “No, I’m not high!  Or suddenly retarded!”

9)  “For the last time, we’re not bringing another girl into our bed!  I don;t care what you read online… not all women have that fantasy!”

10)  “Why do those bastards always raise the price of gas on holiday weekends?”

11)  I wasn’t talking to her for too long… and I wasn’t staring at her rack.  For your information, I was just being  friendly.”

12)  “WHO WANTS A BURGER!”  (It’s a statement that’s always hollered, never spoken… hence the cps and slammer.)

13)  “I swear to God, if you tell me we’re out of beer I’m taking a flamethrower to this place!”

14)  “The Leafs suck ass!  The haven’t won a Stanley Cup in eight hundred years!  Why the hell don’t we trade the whole damn team?”

15)  “Who’s idea was it to go to Niagara Falls on a holiday weekend?”

 

We shall now pause for a gratuitous sex shot…

 

At least it’s a Canadian sex shot…

16)  “I’ve never seen so many goddamn (insert the ethnic group of your choice) in one place before!”

You may be bristling right now, but I am merely a speaker of truth.  Deal with it.

17)  “Best… Monday… Ever!”

Until the hangover the next day…

18)  “I swear to God, God, I’m never doing that again.  Just heal me with angel power, okay?”

19)  When the hell is Trudeau going to legalize weed?  That’s the only reason I voted for the bastard!”

20)  “Are you kids ever going to look up from your phones?”

21)  “When I was a kid we didn’t have damn cellphones… if we wanted to talk to our friends we got on our damn bikes and we rode the twenty miles uphill to their house!”

22)  “Yes, I swear it was twenty miles!”

23)  “Oh, I’m sorry, Boss… I don;t tip on holidays… because of my religion you know.”

Apparently being a cheap bastard is a religious thing these days.

24)  “What the hell has Trump done now?”

25)  “What do you mean this park doesn’t have Wi-Fi, mom?”

26)  “I swear, if you kids don’t shut up back there, not only will I turn this car around… I’ll drive it head-on into the pumps at the next Petro-Canada we pass!  We’ll all die in a fiery inferno and I’ll be laughing with delight the whole time!”

Incidentally, that was the best part of every family trip I ever took as a kid.

27)  “What do you mean the barbecue’s out of propane?  I swear I ‘ll burn this place to the ground!  What?  Well, I’ll use something other than propane then, Marge!”

28)  “Did you guys watch the latest SNL?  Yes, people still watch SNL!  Well, everyone I know still watches it.  Okay, not everyone…”

29)  “Seriously, Hook?  A Victoria Day post at the end of the day?  Kinda screwed the pooch on that one, didn’t ya?”

Followed, naturally, by…

30)  “Shut up.”

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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21 Responses to 30 Things Canadians Will Say This Victoria Day.

  1. I’m not sure these are just Canadian. I think I have heard them on other holidays but others. Good post, Hook.

  2. StillWaters says:

    We are amused.

  3. Haha!
    I do wanna be Canadian. 😉

  4. umashankar says:

    Well, that is a classic! You have captured an entire culture in a few quotes. Keep living, dear blogger.

  5. Pretty much like a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK.

  6. Doug in Oakland says:

    Re #7: Nothing halfway about it.

  7. jlheuer says:

    But seriously, “What the hell is Victoria Day all about anyway?”

  8. There were no Canadian phrases in our house this past Victoria Day weekend, unless you consider me strongly suggesting to hubby he sleeps in the spare room, so I don’t get his awful cough, hack, cough germs.

  9. curvyroads says:

    Made me laugh, Robert, hilarious!

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