My Life At The Moment…

Work has been anything but fun these days.

Not that anyone ever promised me that actually working for a living was ever supposed to be a super, super, fun ride on a unicorn while guzzling Jack Daniels. But lately I’ve realized there are issues occurring around me that will never change – because no one gives a damn about the people who recognize these issues in the first place.

And yes, I’m aware I’ve just described virtually every workplace on the face of the earth, thank you very much. And yes, I also realize I just actually referred to carrying luggage to a room via a cart and an elevator as “work”. Shut up.

We lost Uncle Johnny two weeks back after a sudden diagnosis and a mercifully-short illness. But at least he’s gliding with his beloved Helen behind the Pearly Gates. Have fun, you two.

I should’ve been a dentist.  Those guys really know how to unwind.

My IBS is a nightmare on toast. It’s lovely having a condition they advertise on late-night TV and between reruns of Judge Judy and Maury Povich. There’s nothing I enjoy more than spending an hour a night in the bathroom straining to expel whatever I’ve consumed that day from my broken body.

And the IBS “cure” (more of a treatment really) is far worse than the disease. The second I ingest my medication the countdown begins; before you know it, I go from being severely constipated (awesome post so far, right?) to being racked with pain from cramps. (I swear I have immense sympathy for every woman alive or dead. You’re all heroes for what your body forces you to go through every month.) The cramps are followed by a symphony of gurgling that is so loud and inhuman, even the dog can’t believe where it’s coming from.

And so I sit in the bathroom for hours after taking a pill, praying for death, sipping water and watching videos to kill the time and block the pain.

No, I’m not watching the videos you think I am, gang. I wish I was healthy enough and capable of enjoying filmed vignettes starring Mercedes Carrera and Kenna James at the moment… trust me. But to be honest,  lately I haven’t been watching anything – except for that goddamn buffering symbol swirling around and around.

And around.

You see, Bell Canada is our internet service provider. Except that lately all they’ve been providing me with is frustration. For the last few nights all I’ve done is wait as my phone buffers. Until I finally give up, resist the urge to hobble through the house while gripping my phone and launch it out the front door, and just the shut the godforsaken thing down, wait out my body’s unnatural sequencing and head back up to bed, slap in my night guard and try to go sleep. 

Yes, my stress has led to a wonderful side effect: I grind my teeth to dust every night! And so now I wear a night guard that makes me look like a low-rent Dracula; one that unfortunately isn’t sexy enough for my vampire-worshiping spouse. Not that I’d be up for “relations” after one of my bathroom sessions anyway.

Let’s see, what else has gone to hell lately?

Oh yeah, the freakin’ Niagara Falls Public Library’s online system has kicked me out again. First it rejects my account number and pin then it locks me out for entering an “incorrect” sequence. I now have a love/hate relationship with my local library system; my love for books is immense – but so is my hatred for whoever runs their system.

I’m no closer to achieving my goal of trailer for a series based on this blog. I know people who have similar ambitions and who are helping each other to make their dreams come true.

But none of these people gives a toss about lending me a hand. Never mind that I’ve done what I can to help these individuals; at the end of the day, I’m nothing to them. The same goes for agents and publicists I’ve deal with. The agents think I’m not famous enough to publish a memoir and the publicists know I’m not famous enough to be worthy of their time.

And oh yeah, the basement flooded this week after four days of rain. Bloody animals were marching down the street two-by-two as my walls and carpet filled up with water. And so we’ve ripped our finished basement apart for the second time in twelve years.

I now have a driveway worthy of “White Trash Monthly”…


So where does that leave me?

Depressed as hell but fully aware that I’m full of shit.

I own a home that is completely paid for. It’s still subject to Mother Nature’s mood swings… but it’s ours.

I have a hot wife that doesn’t vomit when I touch her. Sure we’re both busy as hell and that doesn’t leave much time for spontaneous coupling… but it still feels like the first time every time. And after twenty-two years that’s pretty darn spectacular.

Unlike many of my middle-aged white brethren I have never experienced erectile dysfunction. So at least I have something to look forward to in my golden years.

My kid is a gift from the All-Mighty – unlike most kids I see at work who are the spawn of the devil himself.

I have a stable of real and virtual kick-ass friends/acquaintances whose support keeps me from scouring garage sales and auctions in search of a vintage stove to hook up to a gas line so I can stick my head in it while holding a lit match. And yes, I realize it would be more efficient and make more sense to simply take a header into the Falls. Shut up again. Who told you to keep speaking?

I’m far from wealthy – or even rich – but I have a few bucks in the bank.

I’ve given away the bulk  of my comic book collection this week but I still have a few hundred t keep me occupied.

All in all my life is a blessed one.

So that’s me at the moment.

How are you, dear friends?

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to My Life At The Moment…

  1. I’m sorry about your uncle. My condolences — and hugs.

    LOL, you lived up to your name, Hook with “fun ride on a unicorn while guzzling Jack Daniels” That’s fabulous. I’ll fly by on my Pegasus with a Lynchburg lemonade (that’s the only way I like whiskey; give me gin).

    I get it about work and the stress results. I have a whole assortment of my own. I wish I could say something uplifting about that, but… maybe I need that Lynchburg lemonade first. Have a satisfying Saturday. Hugs.

  2. Victo Dolore says:

    Ok, yeah that really sucks. I am so, so sorry (because one “so” is just not enough).

  3. I have the “other” IBS. You know, the one that gives you a 2 second warning that a major flood is coming. My friends need an ark for that. Sorry about losing your uncle but when I go, quick is the way. Perhaps you need to install some kind of system that drains water without drenching your stuff. Hope your next week is better but yes, you still have a lot going for you.

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    I am sorry for your loss. Stress sucks the life out of one. I am happy you are able to count the good things in your life. Hugs.

  5. kunstkitchen says:

    Stress is the pits. Loss is even “worser”. IBS it’s a “blast”. (I apologize for that.) I too understand the ups and downs of that. Stay the course. You will get recognition. Hug your family and feel better.

  6. Marion Hardy says:

    So sorry life has been so tough on you lately. Been having a rough time myself with pain. Sending you big big hugs and will always be cheering you on!!!!

  7. davidprosser says:

    I’m sorry about your uncle and I’m sorry about your week. Maybe things will be better this week based on the belief that Things can only get better after he worst of weeks.

  8. I’m sorry for your loss, Hook. I think the idea of a couple who love each other being united is perfect. Hold onto that thought. I had IBS like symptoms when going through cancer treatment and definitely sympathize with you. Nothing worse. I think you have every right to haul that stove from the garage sale, but then…lovely wife and dear daughter would miss you. I hope for better times ahead.

  9. Allie P. says:

    You poor thing! I thought your tweet summary if the time you are having was bad enough. Hope your luck improves and I’m sorry for your loss.

  10. umashankar says:

    Your blog has about the same effect on me as guzzling Jack Daniels. What is more, it doesn’t cost a dime! Thanks for those fun rides, my friend. Congratulations on your Erectile-Nondysfunction Syndrome!

  11. granny1947 says:

    I am sorry for your loss.
    The first half of your post was really shitty but then you perked up.
    In more ways than one!
    Keep on writing.
    I think you are great.

  12. Doug in Oakland says:

    I tried to like Jack Daniels a long time ago because I read that Jimmy Page drank it, but really? Ugh. It made me want to throw it up before it made me feel the least bit good.

    I hope you are feeling much better very soon. It’s hard to see the light on the other side of the wall of feces some times, but it usually comes around eventually. I remember getting close to despair when we were stuck living in the old foundry building with no hot water and the bathroom forty yards down the corridor for almost three years, and then when there was a fire and the city cut off our electricity at the end of November those days were literally dark until we got out of there a year ago February.

    But I didn’t give up, and now we live in a nice little two bedroom duplex by the freeway with fruit trees in the back yard and an adorable cat to play with.

    I read your blog every day, and my day is better because I do, if that helps any.

  13. Jackie says:

    What an awful week! I am sorry for your loss.

    I struggle with IBS type stuff too, although not as badly as you. It’s frustrating trying treatment after treatment and nothing working. For me, the low FODMAPs diet has done the trick. I hope you find whatever magical combination of treatments it is that will appease your intestines.

    I hope this week is a better one and gutting the basement turns out to be less awful than expected.

  14. Theresa says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss Hook! My heart and prayers are with you!

    IBS, I admit, I don’t suffer from it but I do suffer from Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Basically an Autoimmune disorder that has progressed to giving me vertigo! While driving or sitting or whenever the hell it feels like showing up. But, honestly, it’s diet induced. So is the rancor of this disorder. If I stick to my diet, nothing spectacular mind you, it can be kept at bay. I’d look into the FODMAP diet that Jackie suggested. A lot of our “disorders” are from our food supply. That’s no shit!

    Good luck Hook! I hope you start to feel better soon!

  15. dave ply says:

    Hang in there Hook. Your elevator to better times will be along shortly…

  16. OMFG you have been through the ringer, but I’m sure your wife is quite pleased that your “one eyed trouser snake” is still in top form.

    If you need help I will volunteer services as long as there is no heavy lifting and your wife deals with all the personal stuff, God bless her.

  17. Poor Robert.. I am so sorry you have been through so much lately 😦
    It can only get better! 😘 ❤

  18. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Bless him along with you and your loved ones.

    Now, just a couple of observations: Be sure you aren’t confusing the swirling of the toilet water with the buffering symbol on your computer. During those late night/early morning trips to the loo, things can get confusing. Also, you don’t need any gas lines and a stove to light up your life. Just keep some matches handy by the toilet. Farts really do light, and if you build up enough methane while sitting there, why, you could cause an explosion that could be seen half way to New York City!

    It’s all about the damned process, ain’t it? Sucks, but it’s how we get from one place to another. Hang in there, Hook. You’ve got a slew of Murdochians on your side! 🙂

  19. Tara says:

    I’m hesitant to say that I love this post, and that it made me laugh out loud. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time of things lately, but at the end of the day you count your blessings and that’s important. I appreciate you and your blog, and I’m still rooting for you in my quiet little corner of Maryland.

  20. curvyroads says:

    Impossibly late, but still offering my virtual hugs and hope that the good outweighs the bad at least half the days, my friend! 😘

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