“The Simple Life” Will Never Be The Title Of The Hook’s Biography.

In my world a seemingly-simple delivery of three bags and a garment carrier can become infinitely-complex in an instant.

Case in point: I recently arrived at a corner room with, you guessed it, three bags and a garment carrier, but before I could rap away on the door…

You put the Shama Lama, Baby
In the Rama Lama Ding Dong
Hey, Hey!
You put the Ooh Mow Mow (Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Back into my smile child

The voices emerged from the room next door. They were in tune and full of life. They continued for another moment and ceased. I returned to my labors and knocked on the door.
Thrilling tale so far, isn’t it?

Back to the delivery; the door opened and a rather large, bearded gentleman in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt appeared.

BURLY BILL:  (Seriously, he looked like a Bill.)  Hey, how you doin’, buddy?

ME:  Good, sir.  I was just listening to a little concert next door.

BB:  (Puzzled but coping.)  Oh, them?  Yeah, they’re Indians… if they get too loud I’ll fuckin’ kill ’em!

His sidekick, whom we’ll call Curt Chuck, chimed in.

CC:  Yeah!

What did you expect? I didn’t say he was Articulate Andy, did I?

As you’ve no doubt come to expect by now, I rolled with the punches, dropped off their bags and waited for my reward in short order. Once that was done, and only once that was done, did I let loose.

ME:  So, how long are you visiting from New York?

BB:  Look at this guy!

CC:  Hey, how’d you know we were New Yorkers?

ME:  Lucky guess. It’s also safe to assume you voted for Donny Trump, right?

IN UNISON:  Yeah, Donny’s our boy! He’s making America great again!

ME:  He’s making America something again, that’s for sure.

CC:  You got it, man! Take care, buddy!

And that’s how you deal with racists, get tipped, and avoid an international incident all in one fell swoop, friends.

See you in the lobby, kids…


I see shit like this all the time.  Thank Dog.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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30 Responses to “The Simple Life” Will Never Be The Title Of The Hook’s Biography.

  1. davidprosser says:

    You’re a better man than me. Even with my job at stake I don’t think I could have bitten my tongue long enough or hard enough. What you did say was clever though.
    Hugs Robert.

  2. I think asking them, “How long you lovebirds been together?” would have been a great topper.

  3. OMG YES! What John said.
    You are smooth, my friend. I’m sorry that I’ve been away for so long 🙂

  4. StillWaters says:

    Uh, what’s the name of your hotel????

  5. umashankar says:

    Blessed are the eyes that befall on tantalising confluences of the two sexes again and again and yet again.

  6. Masterpiece of diplomacy. I’d have gone for the jugular and sod the tip.

  7. shimoniac says:

    OMG John just said what I thought. I also need to clean crumbs off my keyboard now. 😀

  8. Michelle says:

    There is a word I am looking for……ahhh I see it above, diplomacy. I could picture those asshats perfectly!

  9. Doug in Oakland says:

    Please don’t hold it against Led Zeppelin. They were one of my all time favorite bands, and my first big, out-of-town rock concert.

  10. They should have tipped you again.

  11. curvyroads says:

    I wish I had your restraint! 😍

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