To be clear, I’m not suggesting you’re a moron if you recognize yourself as someone who needs to follow my guidelines.
But I am saying that we all make mistakes that make our lives more difficult than they need to be, and when we do so we’re engaging in moronic behavior. So don’t be a moron. Read carefully. In fact, here’s what I suggest; read each hack individually, click away and return for the next. If you do this several times a day for at least six months I think we’ll both see the benefit.
Let’s begin, shall we?
ONE) Edumacation is key, kids! Don’t request a top-floor room if it’s raining felines and canines out and then act surprised when you get to the window and see… nothing but dense water vapor. Scour the web before you arrive and arm yourself with a double-barrel shotgun… of knowledge.
- Check your destination’s long-term weather forecasts daily.
- Do your homework when it comes to deals; book directly with your hotel’s reservation line and you’ll be amazed at how much cheddar you can save. Third-party sites aren’t the online orgy for the wallet that they pretend to be.
- Make absolutely certain there is no – and I mean zero – construction happening at your hotel if you’re the type of person who can’t tolerate that sort of inconvenience. Make sure you’re the only one doing any hammering, you know what I’m sayin’?
- Make a checklist of details that are important to you and be damn sure you cover those bases when you’re at the front desk. Personally, as a bellman there’s nothing I hate more than a guest that begins complaining about the room after I’ve already unloaded my luggage cart. He who hesitates is lost – and is doomed to suffer my wrath.
- If you have any questions… ask a grown-up! Or in this case, ask a hotel representative, we’re here to help. After all, hat’s what they pay us minimum wage for.
TWO) Forward-thinking is the way to go. Always. When you pull onto a hotel’s valet deck and the doorman ushers you off to the garage – which is a good distance away from the entrance – consider the walk to the front desk with all your luggage. Always ask if you can unload (stop giggling!) before you park. Or better yet…
THREE) Get a bellman to help you! We’ll save your back, we’re delightful, no one knows the property better and we can score you anything you need. (I won’t score you drugs, but I could if I wanted to.)
FOUR) If you plan on swinging from the chandeliers, engaging in animalistic cosplay or any other extremely loud form of coitus… get a corner room! This one pretty much speaks for itself if you really think about it – but most people don’t. Most folks are so horny they simply take whatever room they’re given because they can’t wait to get to said room and rip into each other’s loins.
And to be honest, there are a lot of people who can’t wait to get up to the room before getting down.
So make sure you consider the details behind the mechanics of the coital act before all the blood rushed away from your brain-box, friends. Hotel walls are far from soundproof. No one likes to be interrupted by hotel security responding to a noise complaint as the carnal carousel they’re on is “climbing the mountain”, so to speak.
FIVE) Be nice – to everyone! Treat the housekeeper with respect. (AND TIP HER! SHE’S CLEANING THE SHEETS YOU’VE SPOILED WITH YOUR BODILY FLUIDS, FOR PETE’S SAKE!)
Always be cordial – at the very least – to wait staff. Ryan Reynolds wasn’t kidding in that movie; the people who serve your food will always find a way to even the score. You just won’t be able to prove it.
Front desk staff can really mess you up if you cop an attitude. (Although they’ll understand if you’re tired or cranky from the rigors of travel.) Just don’t forget they can ‘accidentally’ book a five am wake-up call for you if they feel so inclined.
And of course, the bellmen are connected to everyone throughout the hotel, so stiffing us is the equivalent of fellating a shotgun.
SIX) Slipping the front desk clerk a twenty isn’t as foolproof as you’ve been led to believe. Many travel experts will recommend this tactic and consider it a “can’t miss” scenario.
These people have never actually worked in a hotel. And if they did, it was a pretty bad one. Slip a clerk a bill under your credit card at my hotel and you’ll find yourself… right where you started. Some clerks receive kickbacks for upgrading you “on the books”, and if they don’t, they may even wind up getting admonished for not reaching a quota. Plus, modern chain hotels use more cameras than the NSA these days, so any funny business does not go unnoticed by management.
As I’ve already said, be nice and the hotel will be your oyster. The pearls will be the reasonable upgrade, the free breakfast vouchers and any of the endless perks the clerk has at their disposal. Put your jet lag, your frustration with your traveling companions and your emotional baggage aside when checking in and the results will astound you.
SEVEN) Ditch the white trash attitude! Yes, I’m resurrecting this term; with all the hoopla about immigrants these days we forget white people can be jerks too.
But as for this hack: This means many things. Don’t behave like a leering idiot, drooling uncontrollably at everything in a skirt and tight top, especially if you’re traveling with your family. Don’t bring enough booze to supply a frat house though the school year (you can only drink so much at once).
When it comes to saving money by bringing food for the kids, be smart about it. Many folks bring bread (but inexplicably, nothing to put on it), Walmart candy and baked treats, and tons of junk food and sugary, sugary pop, or if you prefer, soda.
Hear me now… YOUR KIDS WILL NOT CONSUME THIS GARBAGE! THEY WANT ACTUAL FOOD WHILE ON VACATION! GIVE THEM THIS CRAP AND YOU’LL TRANSFORM THEM INTO RAGING HELL-BEASTS BENT ON WANTON DESTRUCTION!
Seek out a grocery store, or if its the height of summer and you’re in a region with a farming belt, head out to the fruit stands and get some real food! You’ll be amazed at how physically fit your entire family feels afterwards. The healthy option may be more expensive but its worth it.
Remember what I always say: if you can’t afford to take a vacation, and do it right, don’t go!
As I often tell the wife, that’s all I have for you today… so I hope it was enough.
See you in the lobby, kids…