Let’s get this out of the way first; you know I’m going to leave this post undone, right?
I’m the first to admit that I’m not a terribly ambitious person. My lovely bride and I purchased our house more than a decade ago and she recently handed me a nostalgic item that spurred the following conversation:
THE WIFE: Hey, Skippy! (Hey, it’s a step up from her first pet name for me, “Boy”.) Recognize this?
ME: Recognize what, my lovely bride?
THE WIFE: Do not call me that.
ME: Your tone is flat and icy. And yet, I’m still turned on…
THE WIFE: Focus, you horny idiot.
ME: Do I have to?
THE WIFE: I have the lawyer on speed dial…
ME: You win.
THE WIFE: Was there ever any doubt?
ME: (Taking the paper from her hand before I wind up living in an apartment complex called “Vista Heights”.) I’d be happy to look this over, my lovely… never mind. I love you.
THE WIFE: (After a moment. Or ten.) Well?
ME: (Not-so-faking ignorance.) This appears to be a list of some sort…
THE WIFE: It’s the “To-Do” list we started when we bought the house. Notice anything unusual?
This is so not us…
ME: (Fighting to stay ahead of whatever was coming.) Unusual? No, it appears to be a standard list on thick, yellow paper…
THE WIFE: That paper was WHITE and SOFT when we wrote the list out… THIRTEEN years ago.
ME: So something has obviously tainted this paper. I’m thinking we have a hard water problem in the house…
THE WIFE: Oh, there’s a problem in this house, all right…
ME: And by the way, we didn’t write this list… you did, pretty girl.
(When engaging in a discussion-on-the-verge of-becoming-an-argument with with one’s spouse, it is best to pepper your responses with terms of endearment. They won’t help whatsoever, but the effort is valiant.)
THE WIFE: Pretty girl? Bite me! And off course I wrote it! And I did most of the work too! I laid the floors. I put the moulding on. I painted the living room, the dining room, the bathroom…
At that point I should have said something like, “I get it, honey. I’m so sorry I haven’t pulled my weight around here. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”
But you know I didn’t, right?
Instead…
ME: If you’ve done most of the work then why the hell did you drag out this list?
My wife began to vibrate, it was barely noticeable at first, then it really showed. After that, well, let’s just say I still have one of my testicles still hasn’t descended and leave it at that, shall we?
This is definitely me…
So what have we learned from this little tale of marital relations? (No, not those marital relations.)
ONE) My wife has a Kung fu grip G.I. Joe would be envious of. (But not always in a good way.)
TWO) I have trouble finishing what I start – assuming I start it at all.
And I’m sure you can relate, correct? (To the second point, I mean, not my wife’s kung fu grip.) The truth is, we all struggle to overcome apathy. (Seriously, I started this post before I left the womb.) Actually, I have that wrong, don’t I? If we all struggled to overcome apathy we’d be a planet of Sheens. Charlie, not, Martin.
But we don’t.
Most of us just let apathy wash over us like summer rain. On the surface it seems refreshing – and then we start to sneeze. Before you know it, you’re coughing up mucus that’s thicker than Trump’s weave, your brain is on fire with fever and you’re making deals with a deity you normally don’t believe in.
But maybe that’s just me.
At any rate, I’ve finished this post now, so that’s something to be proud of, right?
See you in the lobby – and Home Depot – kids…
You've Been Hooked! 
DIY rules, house or boat Robert.
Yeah, but I suck at it…
So do we, but we hide it well…………….
I think there is a list like that in every house. The house we are in now was built from the plans designed by the architect we engaged and the contractor we hired. The closing papers came with a list. I don’t even know who made up the list and guess what? After ten years there is not one item completed. So rest easy, my man. You are not alone.
Thank God!
Yup. She has one too. (God that is)
Best of luck……
Thanks, I definitely need it.
Actually, if your wife is so handy, do you rent her out? And don’t you dare tell her I wrote that. Feeling empty in the motivation dept myself.
You rock, Megan.
It’s not just you. The sober through the funny shows.
You rock, L.
Thanks again.
Your posts rock my world.
I don’t even want to talk about this… however, happy wife=happy life. 😉
Oh yeah…
I’m sure you know that. 😀
Oh I so empathize with your wife.
I don’t doubt it.
You’re so not alone except you might be braver than I was with your responses, I detested seeing the ice forming all over my meals.
Hugs
I’m somewhat fearless, buddy.
A vibrating wife is never a good sign. Eeeek!
My husband’s terrible at the whole DIY thing. If I want something done, I’ll do it myself! 😜
You’d get along famously with my wife, Amanda.
I expect I would! 😉
Lol’ed pretty loudly as soon as I read, “My wife began to vibrate”. Like the prelude to the attack by some dangerous animal (in the form of a beautiful woman, that is). Seeing my dad and brother, both have no idea what “home maintenance” is, has taught me to look after my own house a bit. Wouldn’t mind having a handy lady help a bit, though! Rock on, Hook.
I’ll try, pal.
Is this a bad time to mention I remodelled the downstairs toilet, built an en suite bathroom, and a utility room from scratch? Yes, I suppose it might be. 😀
I hate you.
Kidding!
Mostly.
Haha
Sounds familiar.
I imagine it does.
Ha! We’ve been walking through our house making a list of things we need to do before selling and moving to Canada. So far, we have enjoyed several different coffees and creamers, flicked some plaster onto the floor and admired the lath work under it, purchased some painting materials — which are still in the bags — and then gone outside to get the panoramic view of the landscaping and exterior work to be done. It’s going to be a loooooong summer. BTW, I have a 100 lb. grip strength (measured) in my nondominate hand. Mrs. Hook rocks!
That certainly seems to be the consensus.
Hilarious, as is your wont! You remind me of Hamlet of a Shakespeare fallen from grace. That said, it is in the best interests of the posterity you don’t mess up with your Kung Fu Bride…
I’m trying but my fate is to eternally fail, it appears.
But is there any resolution to this? Or is finishing the post going to take the place of finishing the Honey-do List. It has been so long since my hubster did ANY of those things, I don’t even bother anymore. Le sigh.
I hear you.
To be honest, I’ve gotten better – but I have a long way to go.
I guess I should get my list done a little sooner. Thanks for the tip!
I live to sere as an example, Derek.
Best of luck….keep all your digits intact!!
I’ll try…
I share your “ability” to leave things undone. 😉
Great minds procrastinate alike…
Yes, that is my new favorite quote, Robert!
HA! I have absolutely no problem finishing what I
Well played!
“Horny idiot”, yes that is what I got out of the post! Haha, your wife sounds like a hoot.
You have no idea…
Hahaha, I had one of those lists. Jobs for me, written years ago……hardly any done. I prefer to refer my wife to my strengths which don’t include DIY. 🙂
I tried that.
Didn’t work.
You’re not the only one. As our house gets older, our list gets longer!
Ain’t it the truth?
While I’d like to empathize with your wife, I’m afraid I have to jump the fence to your side. The hubs jumps up early on weekends after a 50 hr work week and wants to go DO STUFF. All kinds of stuff. You name it stuff. And when can we get going, stuff And how far can we drive before you have to go to work at the restaurant tonight, stuff. It’s maddening. All I want to do is sleep.Maybe have some morning sex. And sleep some more. Then coffee. Then maybe a bit of writing. Maybe. The moral of the story? I don’t want to do stuff, but HE does.
You’re the best, Tara.
I know. 😉 And thank God he knows it too.
Nice…