To clarify, this is not a “The Hook Vs. An Unsuspecting Traveler” post.
However, even though it may not be as long as you like, I hope you’ll find this satisfying nonetheless. And yes, for your information, I have spoken those words many, many times at home. (You know you were thinking it.)
ME: (While preparing a lovely workplace breakfast of toast and a large carton of delicious Canadian chocolate milk in the hotel cafeteria, a sprawling space filled with tables and chairs from Tim Hortons. Seriously, that’s where we snagged ’em.) What’s up, Phil?
PHIL: (In case you weren’t certain. By the way, Phil is a young, Italian, self-proclaimed “stud”.) Hey, Hook, have you seen the new housekeeper?
ME: You’ll have to be more specific. We literally have hundreds of housekeepers… and we go through them like tissues.
(Cleaning up after travelers is not exactly the sort of profession one can adopt lightly. It takes a special breed of human being to change sheets soaked in bodily fluid every day for years without throwing in the towel. Literally.)
PHIL: (With great enthusiasm expressed in a booming tone.) You know the one! On twenty-three! She’s got long, jet black hair, a tight butt, a wide smile and HUGE –
ME: Jugs of cleaning fluid?
(In these situations, when the staff cafeteria is filled with dozens of female housekeepers, it is important to defuse any possible gender battles that may erupt. Nothing ruins my breakfast faster than having to pull five housekeepers off Phil before they remove his genitals with toilet brushes.)
PHIL: What? (Pondering.) Oh yeah!
ME: I’ve seen her. So what?
I knew what. I was just being polite.
PHIL: Think I have a shot at railing her?
Yes, you guessed correctly; Phil is a romantic at heart. Who loves trains, apparently.
ME: Do you want the truth or would you like to live in blissful ignorance for a few weeks?
ME: Ignorance it is.
PHIL: No, give it to me straight, Hook!
Interesting choice of words.
ME: Well, the two of you do have at least one thing in common…
PHIL: We’re both awesome!
ME: No, that’s definitely not it…
PHIL: You’re killin’ me, Hook! Wait, I know! We both love to par-tay!
ME: Perhaps, but that’s not it.
PHIL: (Starting to truly hit a mental wall. And certainly not for the first time.) We’re both horny as hell?
ME: Again, that may be likely, but it’s not what I’m referring to.
PHIL: Then what the hell do we have in common?
ME: You both love vagina.
Phil’s reaction can be summed up thusly…
PHIL: You’re not serious, Hook?
ME: I take lesbianism very seriously, Phil.
PHIL: (After a ridiculously-long pause.) We could probably make it work…
Told you he was a romantic at heart.
See you in the lobby, kids…