A Workplace Conversation With The Hook.

To clarify, this is not a “The Hook Vs. An Unsuspecting Traveler” post.

However, even though it may not be as long as you like, I hope you’ll find this satisfying nonetheless. And yes, for your information, I have spoken those words many, many times at home. (You know you were thinking it.)

ME:  (While preparing a lovely workplace breakfast of toast and a large carton of delicious Canadian chocolate milk in the hotel cafeteria, a sprawling space filled with tables and chairs from Tim Hortons. Seriously, that’s where we snagged ’em.)  What’s up, Phil?

PHIL:  (In case you weren’t certain. By the way, Phil is a young, Italian, self-proclaimed “stud”.)  Hey, Hook, have you seen the new housekeeper?

8642bc142b5fd8344e026384c24b2085Just picture this guy – in pretty much every way.

ME:  You’ll have to be more specific. We literally have hundreds of housekeepers… and we go through them like tissues.

(Cleaning up after travelers is not exactly the sort of profession one can adopt lightly. It takes a special breed of human being to change sheets soaked in bodily fluid every day for years without throwing in the towel. Literally.)

PHIL:  (With great enthusiasm expressed in a booming tone.) You know the one! On twenty-three! She’s got long, jet black hair, a tight butt, a wide smile and HUGE – 

ME:  Jugs of cleaning fluid?

1hc4hcfA representation of the object of Phil’s lust affection…

(In these situations, when the staff cafeteria is filled with dozens of female housekeepers, it is important to defuse any possible gender battles that may erupt. Nothing ruins my breakfast faster than having to pull five housekeepers off Phil before they remove his genitals with toilet brushes.)

PHIL:  What? (Pondering.) Oh yeah!

ME:  I’ve seen her. So what?

I knew what. I was just being polite.

PHIL:  Think I have a shot at railing her?

Yes, you guessed correctly; Phil is a romantic at heart. Who loves trains, apparently.

ME:  Do you want the truth or would you like to live in blissful ignorance for a few weeks?

PHIL:  What?

ME:  Ignorance it is.

PHIL:  No, give it to me straight, Hook!

Interesting choice of words.

ME:  Well, the two of you do have at least one thing in common…

PHIL:  We’re both awesome!

ME:  No, that’s definitely not it…

PHIL:  You’re killin’ me, Hook!  Wait, I know! We both love to par-tay!

ME:  Perhaps, but that’s not it.

PHIL:  (Starting to truly hit a mental wall. And certainly not for the first time.)  We’re both horny as hell?

ME:  Again, that may be likely, but it’s not what I’m referring to.

PHIL:  Then what the hell do we have in common?

ME:  You both love vagina.

Phil’s reaction can be summed up thusly…

giphy

PHIL:  You’re not serious, Hook?

ME:  I take lesbianism very seriously, Phil.

PHIL:  (After a ridiculously-long pause.)  We could probably make it work…

Told you he was a romantic at heart.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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22 Responses to A Workplace Conversation With The Hook.

  1. Ignorance is bliss! 😂

  2. nbratscott says:

    Hook, I can’t imagine why the Network passes on your ideas!!

    BTW- I’m thru MM Episode 6! What am I going to do after season 7? I’ve already messaged Netflix to encourage more MM be included!

  3. Allie P. says:

    I have to say I appreciate Phil’s optimism. It’s like that scene in the movie Dumber and Dumber – your chance is like 1 in a million. So… you are telling me I have a chance.

  4. The glass is half full!

  5. Ha ha ha. I like that Phil is a romantic. (a little slow maybe) but romantic just the same

  6. You leave me gasping for breath as fits of laughter rolled into fits of coughing. This damned flu has left my lungs in a bad way, but perhaps exercising them more through hearty laughter is just what the doctor ordered. Wonderful story.

  7. Doug in Oakland says:

    I was made an “Honorary Lesbian” by the night crew at the last restaurant where I cooked for a living. I kept asking when I was going to receive my “hazing” and they kept telling me to shut up.
    It was OK, though, and they did invite me to some of their parties, on the condition that I bring my girlfriend and dance with her at least once.

  8. rumpydog says:

    No one can shoot down a jerk like you, Hook!

  9. curvyroads says:

    LOL. Poor Phil.
    Q: How does someone that dumb survive?
    A: The kindness of people like you, I suppose!

  10. How do you NOT know when someone is a Lesbian? He isn’t very observant for someone who was “observing”…… what a dick! :-/

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