BEFORE WE BEGIN: I was recently honored with a spot on Open Thought Vortex Magazine, a revolutionary website that is changing lives as well as entertaining. Click here to read my offering, entitled, My Grown-Up Wish List.
And now, onto the usual shenanigans…
Admittedly, I’m not a travel writer – then again, America’s President-elect isn’t actually a politician, so a lack of qualifications shouldn’t stop anyone from doing anything, right?
But back to business: If you ever find yourself in Niagara Falls (in other words, if you can’t afford Vegas) you might want to consider my advice before immersing yourself in all my fair city has to offer.
ONE) Never ask, “What time do you roll up the sidewalks and shut off the Falls?” Yes, I’ve touched on this myth before, but it’s too connected to my home to ignore so here we go for the last time. (Not really.)
Inflation and a lack of skilled labor have forced us to forego the usual practice of rolling up the sidewalks each evening. As for shutting off the Falls, everyone knows that would cause a back-up that would eventually flood the city and cost thousands of lives and millions of dollars in insurance claims.
What’s wrong with you people?
TWO) Don’t show up in July and say, “Where’s the snow? And I thought we’d see polar bears!” While it’s the dead of winter in Niagara right now (like, the dead of Trump’s eyes dead) in July we enjoy sweaty swamp-butt-inducing weather just like many countries. As for the polar bears, where do you think we get the meat in the tourist district from?
THREE) Assuming all Canadians are pushovers can be dangerous! Yes, Canucks are some of the nicest humans in the Multiverse. No, we are not spineless saps you can manipulate easily. Case in point:
BEWILDERED GUEST: (While sweating and shaking in the elevator.) Hey, buddy, can I ask you a question… on the down-low?
ME: Well, to be completely honest, I have a blog, sir.
BG: Oh! (Nanosecond pause) Well anyway… the thing is… I hired a girl last night…
(This guy meant well, but I could’ve wrote this entire post before he finished his sentence. And yes, I realize now that that makes no sense. Shut up.)
and she was smokin’ hot! But when she went to leave, I asked if there was a discount if I ordered her again…
ME: You asked her if she had a loyalty program? Like a “Pay for ten orgasms, get the eleventh free!” type of deal?
BG: (Pondering for a second.) Yeah, like that! You’re hilarious, Boss!
ME: So how did that go over? (As if I didn’t know.)
BG: She was PISSED! I tried to explain, but she opened her purse and showed me a knife… a big one! What’s up with that? I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice! Isn’t that a law or something?
ME: It’s more of a guideline, sir.
BG: But I was paying her a compliment! I come to Niagara often for business and I could get any bitch.. but I wanted her again!
Charmer, wasn’t he?
ME: And were those your exact words, sir? Think carefully…
BG: Yeah! And she was still freaked out!
There was no point in continuing down this road. Plus the elevator reached its destination and so it was time to let this guy off the hook, so to speak.
ME: Canadian chicks, man…
BG: You said it, Boss!
FOUR) Stiff The Hook! This goes without saying but I’ll say it again: You don’t need to take my assistance but if you do you’ll never forget it. Anyone can say they stayed at a hotel and were served by “Ben the Bellman”, but how many people can claim they visited Niagara Falls, Canada, and were served by a guy named “The Hook”?
This is also a perfect place to feature one of my favorite tweets of all time:
Peter Mitchell is the show runner of Murdoch Mysteries and terrific human being. As for my point – and I do have one – the service industry has become more hostile than ever in recent years. My fellow workers are just that; hard-working, decent folks who are paid low wages because they occupy gratuitous positions. So help ’em out if you can, won’t you? Trust me, we return the favor; no one tips as well as a waiter, waitress, bellman, etc.
And as I often tell the wife, that’s all I have for you today. Incidentally, fellow blogger and uber-cutie, Michelle Terry recently commented that my posts have had more depth; wonder what she’ll think of this one?
See you in the lobby, kids…