Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Canada.

Thanks to the glorious power of the interweb at least one of the ten people reading this hails from somewhere other than my home and native land.

It’s a fact. Google it.

This post is for all of the non-Canucks out there who have stumbled upon my little slice of virtual real estate. It’s a foregone conclusion that those of you who haven’t actually set foot on Canadian soil have some, shall we say, “interesting” views on how life is conducted north of the American border.

I’m here to add to those misconceptions.

ONE)  Kevin Smith loves Canada!  The one thing (besides weed and comics) that Silent Bob is definitely not silent about is his love for all things Canadian. References to Canuck culture and lore are peppered all through his work and he’s more than willing to take pity on his Canadian fans by posing for a pic even though he’s clearly exhausted from traversing the con circuit.

He’s a helluva guy. For an American.

Hook and Smith

Two of the most patriotic Canadians you’ll ever find – and one’s from Jersey…

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TWO)  In Canada, one can purchase milk (both white, dark and strawberry) in bags, as well as cartons and jugs. (Admit it, you’re giggling at my use of the word “jugs”, aren’t you? Good for you.)

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THREE)  Unlike Brits – or American frat boys – in Canada we have access to full-sized refrigerators and freezers, and so we often buy milk in bulk and freeze the bags for consumption at a later date.

(Thrilling stuff, right?)

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FOUR)  Canadian children are forged into resilient, strong-willed, productive members of society by being subjected to ads for delicious products designed  to scare the frozen snot out of them.

page-breakFIVE)  Contrary to poplar myth, in Niagara Falls, Canada, we do not roll up the sidewalks at night. Anyone found on these pathways after curfew is simply beaten to a pulp. With a bag of frozen milk.

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SIX)  Simply because Canada is often referred to as “The Great White North” does not mean most of the nation is frozen solid. That is just silly. No, the truth is my countrymen and I are really, really into the daily practice of snorting cocaine. Like Pacino once said, It keeps us sharp, on the edge, where we gotta be.

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SEVEN)  Canadians are not the bumbling, inept characters we’re often portrayed as in film and television shows. We even get the girl on occasion. For free sometimes, even. For example, once upon a time, while meeting a blind date’s parents, I let this smooth sentence formation escape my lips:

“I am double the worst trouble you ever thought of.”

And for the record, I did get lucky that night. Not with that girl… but it still counts.

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EIGHT)  Though Toronto is though the largest, most populous city in the country (and where all the $ is), it is not the capital of Canada. This is…

33209342Bet your capital doesn’t have crullers…

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NINE)  Canada’s number one export isn’t beaver pelts… it’s ham.

kirk-reliefYou didn’t know Capt. Kirk is Canadian?  Get to Google…

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TEN)  Canadians aren’t sex machines. Nothing could be further from the truth. I myself have been married almost twenty-two years and I’ve had intercourse at least twice as many times. So there.

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As you can imagine, this post barely scratches the surface of the diverse, endlessly-fascinating realm known as Canada, but I’ve learned it’s best to quit when you’re ahead so I’m out of here. Look for more patriotic posts in the future, though. My country celebrates a milestone birthday next year and I would be remiss if I didn’t do my part to shine a spotlight on that proud legacy.

And chip away at it with my “work”.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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24 Responses to Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Canada.

  1. Mark Myers says:

    I love my neighbors to the north. I worked for a Canadian company for twenty years, so I am very appreciative. Interesting facts that didn’t center on Mike Myers or Shania Twain.

  2. I love my Canadian brothers and sisters to the north! Wouldn’t want a day to pass wit-out you’s guys! (from a fond, fun-loving Nu Yawk’r – who might need a new country soon!) 😉

  3. As a former Detroiter (Born and raised) I’ve been called a Hoser by the best of em, eh?

  4. Crullers! I miss crullers. Ate them growing up outside of Boston. Yep. I’m a former Masshole from Beantown. Thanks for all these enlightening tidbits. I’m still wrapping my brain around Quebec having French as their first and foremost language. Great skiing up there. I need to renew my passport so I can visit Vancouver again. I’m only about 90 minutes from it.

  5. List of X says:

    And by large freezers available to all Canadians, you obviously mean “the outside”, correct?

  6. Doug in Oakland says:

    Let’s see, Canada? I’ve seen Rush six times, and the New Pornographers twice, does that count? I own a Robbie Robertson CD. I ran amuck for a week when my parents drove to Canada for a vacation when I was in High School. I like Neil Young a lot. I know the name of the wife of a Canadian politician Zsuzsanna M. Zsohar. I like Mint Records and I know who Nardwuar is.
    That’s probably all I’ve got.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Oh Canada…for the ❤ of you and Tim Hortons.

  8. Tara says:

    Nice! I can’t wait to set my little blue toes back down in Canada one day. Happy Christmas to you and yours!

  9. What on earth is ‘dark milk’?

    As for James Tiberius Kirk, for some reason I knew that.

  10. Shatner being from Canada explains SOOOOO much!! LOL! 🙂

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