Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Canada.

Thanks to the glorious power of the interweb at least one of the ten people reading this hails from somewhere other than my home and native land.

It’s a fact. Google it.

This post is for all of the non-Canucks out there who have stumbled upon my little slice of virtual real estate. It’s a foregone conclusion that those of you who haven’t actually set foot on Canadian soil have some, shall we say, “interesting” views on how life is conducted north of the American border.

I’m here to add to those misconceptions.

ONE)  Kevin Smith loves Canada!  The one thing (besides weed and comics) that Silent Bob is definitely not silent about is his love for all things Canadian. References to Canuck culture and lore are peppered all through his work and he’s more than willing to take pity on his Canadian fans by posing for a pic even though he’s clearly exhausted from traversing the con circuit.

He’s a helluva guy. For an American.

Two of the most patriotic Canadians you’ll ever find – and one’s from Jersey…

TWO)  In Canada, one can purchase milk (both white, dark and strawberry) in bags, as well as cartons and jugs. (Admit it, you’re giggling at my use of the word “jugs”, aren’t you? Good for you.)

THREE)  Unlike Brits – or American frat boys – in Canada we have access to full-sized refrigerators and freezers, and so we often buy milk in bulk and freeze the bags for consumption at a later date.

(Thrilling stuff, right?)

FOUR)  Canadian children are forged into resilient, strong-willed, productive members of society by being subjected to ads for delicious products designed  to scare the frozen snot out of them.

FIVE)  Contrary to poplar myth, in Niagara Falls, Canada, we do not roll up the sidewalks at night. Anyone found on these pathways after curfew is simply beaten to a pulp. With a bag of frozen milk.

SIX)  Simply because Canada is often referred to as “The Great White North” does not mean most of the nation is frozen solid. That is just silly. No, the truth is my countrymen and I are really, really into the daily practice of snorting cocaine. Like Pacino once said, It keeps us sharp, on the edge, where we gotta be.

SEVEN)  Canadians are not the bumbling, inept characters we’re often portrayed as in film and television shows. We even get the girl on occasion. For free sometimes, even. For example, once upon a time, while meeting a blind date’s parents, I let this smooth sentence formation escape my lips:

“I am double the worst trouble you ever thought of.”

And for the record, I did get lucky that night. Not with that girl… but it still counts.

EIGHT)  Though Toronto is though the largest, most populous city in the country (and where all the $ is), it is not the capital of Canada. This is…

Bet your capital doesn’t have crullers…

NINE)  Canada’s number one export isn’t beaver pelts… it’s ham.

You didn’t know Capt. Kirk is Canadian?  Get to Google…

TEN)  Canadians aren’t sex machines. Nothing could be further from the truth. I myself have been married almost twenty-two years and I’ve had intercourse at least twice as many times. So there.

As you can imagine, this post barely scratches the surface of the diverse, endlessly-fascinating realm known as Canada, but I’ve learned it’s best to quit when you’re ahead so I’m out of here. Look for more patriotic posts in the future, though. My country celebrates a milestone birthday next year and I would be remiss if I didn’t do my part to shine a spotlight on that proud legacy.

And chip away at it with my “work”.

See you in the lobby, kids…