What Not To Say To A Cougar.

HOOK’S NOTE:  For parents, this is that most sacred of days… back to school. So sit back, pour yourself a glass of your poison of choice and laugh a little. You’ve earned it.

When I was growing up in the Seventies every cougar I knew was just referred to as “So-and-So’s Mom”.

But times have changed and now we label every segment of humanity in order to create more divisions between the species. At any rate, you’re not here so I can philosophize, are you? No, you want to laugh, don’t you?

You do realize whose blog you’ve clicked on, right?

But like I often tell the wife, “I’m going to do my best… but I can’t promise anything.”

So now, kids, here’s a crash course in serving the most volatile of hotel guests, traveling cougars. (Without singling out any specific cougars I’ve ever encountered.) To clarify, most “cougs” are fun to deal with but every once in a while I’ll come across one that’s nothing but trouble.

Yes, I realize that sounded horrible. Let’s move on shall we?

ONE)  “That’s a rather… unique look you’re sporting today. Who did your make-up, miss? Zombie Stevie Wonder?”

TWO)  “I have to hand it to you, miss… there’s no substitute for experience. I’ve never met a woman whose vagina actually had its own gravitational pull.”

Believe it or not, a colleague said this to a guest. On one hand, she was so drunk she didn’t really understand him. On the other, she vomited on him two seconds later, so…

THREE)  “You’re in tip-top shape for someone who’s been alive so long!”

Yes, another fellow bellman uttered those words too. I’ve worked with some top-shelf talent over the years…

FOUR)  “Wow, those baby-making thighs have really held up!”

FIVE)  “I see you brought the four most important food groups with you, miss… wine, penis-shaped baked goods, beer and Cialis.”

SIX)  “Excuse me, miss but your fur is growling. Did Canada Customs clear it, has it had its shots?”

SEVEN)  “Nice to see you again, miss. We’ve lined up some fresh virgins for you to snack on while you wait to check in.”

EIGHT)  “Fair warning, miss, the Animal Control people have been lurking around here…”

NINE)  “Have you ever been to Pound Town, baby?”

TEN)  “Hey, baby, ever have your bell rung by an actual bellman?” 

To be clear, that one actually works on most cougars, but that’s the last thing you want to have happen if you’re a married bellman like me. After all, the wife has mean right me.

See you in the lobby, kids…

(Yeah, it’s back. What of it?)