What Not To Say To A Cougar.

HOOK’S NOTE:  For parents, this is that most sacred of days… back to school. So sit back, pour yourself a glass of your poison of choice and laugh a little. You’ve earned it.

When I was growing up in the Seventies every cougar I knew was just referred to as “So-and-So’s Mom”.

But times have changed and now we label every segment of humanity in order to create more divisions between the species. At any rate, you’re not here so I can philosophize, are you? No, you want to laugh, don’t you?

You do realize whose blog you’ve clicked on, right?

But like I often tell the wife, “I’m going to do my best… but I can’t promise anything.”

So now, kids, here’s a crash course in serving the most volatile of hotel guests, traveling cougars. (Without singling out any specific cougars I’ve ever encountered.) To clarify, most “cougs” are fun to deal with but every once in a while I’ll come across one that’s nothing but trouble.

Yes, I realize that sounded horrible. Let’s move on shall we?


ONE)  “That’s a rather… unique look you’re sporting today. Who did your make-up, miss? Zombie Stevie Wonder?”

TWO)  “I have to hand it to you, miss… there’s no substitute for experience. I’ve never met a woman whose vagina actually had its own gravitational pull.”

Believe it or not, a colleague said this to a guest. On one hand, she was so drunk she didn’t really understand him. On the other, she vomited on him two seconds later, so…

THREE) You’re in tip-top shape for someone who’s been alive so long!”

Yes, another fellow bellman uttered those words too. I’ve worked with some top-shelf talent over the years…

FOUR)  Wow, those baby-making thighs have really held up!”

FIVE)  “I see you brought the four most important food groups with you, miss… wine, penis-shaped baked goods, beer and Cialis.”


SIX)  Excuse me, miss but your fur is growling. Did Canada Customs clear it, has it had its shots?”

SEVEN)  “Nice to see you again, miss. We’ve lined up some fresh virgins for you to snack on while you wait to check in.”

EIGHT)  “Fair warning, miss, the Animal Control people have been lurking around here…”

NINE)  “Have you ever been to Pound Town, baby?”

TEN)  “Hey, baby, ever have your bell rung by an actual bellman?” 

To be clear, that one actually works on most cougars, but that’s the last thing you want to have happen if you’re a married bellman like me. After all, the wife has mean right me.

See you in the lobby, kids…

(Yeah, it’s back. What of it?)


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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31 Responses to What Not To Say To A Cougar.

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Number 2…karma karma. Too funny.

  2. So, has the bellman rung the bells??😜

  3. shimoniac says:

    Yeah. I’m really glad I don’t have your job. I can’t keep a straight face, or punch out a straight line like those.

  4. Number two and now I’m trying to get coffee off my keyboard.

  5. You’re a very bad man. Not a bad person. A bad man

  6. Yay! Thanks for the treat of a hospitality story. It’s so wild to know that people like your guests actually exist, and aren’t just characters I’d see on TV. What a bunch!

  7. Paul says:

    Aaaaaah. i learn something new everyday

  8. Doug in Oakland says:

    My friend Dirty Dan once said “There’s no substitute for experience, but I’ll take enthusiasm every time.”

  9. Ned's Blog says:

    This explains the chair and whip you keep in the elevator. I thought it was just something you brought from home…

  10. Drunks are such an easy target – but they do have that one defensive weapon: throwing up.
    Stand back – waaay back.
    Number 3 is a real giggle – no doubt some would still take that as a compliment

  11. Rosemary says:

    I am Cougar! Hear me ROA—-cough—spit–gag—ugh! Damned hair ball! Ahem. ROAR!

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