Ten Things I’d Like To Do To Amy Schumer. (An Ironic Post.)

She may not be the prototypical symbol of sexual awesomeness, but there are millions of mammals – and quite possibly other living beings – who consider Amy Schumer to be super hot.

And I cannot disagree.

There’s nothing sexier than a taut, quivering sense of humor, folks, and Miss Amy Schumer is at the top of her game. Yes, I’m a fan, thank you very much. Sure, you may not be able to watch her with your Grandma (unless your grandmother drinks and smokes a lot of weed – while skinny dipping) but no one can deny she’s on fire right now. How much do I like Amy Schumer? I’m so glad you asked…

ONE)  I’d love to take my firm, hot sausage and serve it to her… as part of a delicious homemade breakfast.

TWO) Play with her sweater kittens…

(Not actually Amy’s kittens but you get the idea, right?)

(Incidentally, when I Googled “sweater kittens” virtually no actual shots of kittens appeared. This is a sick world we live in, people.)

THREE)  Bend her over… and bring in a fully-licensed chiropractor to examine her spine thoroughly. She spends a lot of her time on her feet and it’s best to stay ahead of potential back problems, don’t you know.

FOUR)  Teach her about discipline and self-control.  Sure, Amy’s been a professional comic for years, but these things are worth practicing daily, right?

FIVE)  Role play with her; she could be the “Tightly-Wound Guest” and I could be the Bellman. (It’d be a stretch for me but I could pull it off.) I bet I could transform her into the “Happy Guest Who Tips Me” in no time…

SIX)  Make that recurring dream I have about her, me, a case of Cool Whip, a blanket and length of rope, come true.  In the dream, we’re going on a picnic and our basket, which is filled with pie that’s screaming for a topping, breaks. So I use the rope to fix the handle.

SEVEN)  Introduce her to my little friend. His name is Phil Epstein. He’s a dwarf with a giant attitude who is a HUGE fan of hers. His is an ironic existence.

EIGHT)  Watch her as she plays with some of my “special toys”.  I have a Stretch Armstrong, mint in box!

NINE)  Tie her up… with numerous requests from community groups, schools, book clubs and other organizations who could greatly benefit from her unique, hilariously-intelligent world view.

TEN)  Tell her how much I admire her life path so far and that I think she’s one of the coolest people on the planet. With a great sense of humor when it comes to her fans. (I hope.)

Seriously, Amy’s one cool, indefinable, think-outside-the-box-before-setting-the-box-ablaze, comic genius. She’s paid her dues and now she’s as successful as the people she made cut up along the way. But success hasn’t changed her, it’s merely made her even more… Amyer. 

Amy can rifle off a killer “crazy blue” SNL opening monologue about Bradley Cooper o  the weekend and then render us speechless with her insights and passion on gun control. Ask two hundred people their opinion of Amy Schumer and you’ll get words like “vulgar”, “brilliant”, “perverted”, “gifted’, “sick” and “unbelievably-talented” thrown at you. And Amy herself would say they all apply equally.

She’s vulnerable and guarded simultaneously.

She’s put it all out there but I don’t think she’s even scratched the surface of her own talent yet.

She’s inspired millions of girls to accept the body God gave them and she’s given this middle-aged hack the courage to publish a post – the title of which is sure to tick some people off royally – that’s sure to draw some controversy. Even now, I’m deeply hesitant to hit “Publish”. But here goes everything…

See you around, kids…