The Hook On… “Those Types of Movies”.

I like porn.

There, I said it.

I’m not a deviant nor have I ever been into fifty shades of anything. I don’t drink or consume drugs other than Advil. A cigarette (of any kind) never meets my lips. I’ve never been arrested (but only because the cops haven’t caught me) and so I have no record of any form. I don’t cheat on my wife. I’m a good boy – for the most part.

Think of me what you will, but to be clear, I’m not suggesting I spend hours every day downloading increasingly-shameful “cartoon” videos featuring schoolgirls being ravished by tentacled beasts – who bear more than a striking resemblance to the Kardashians. However, as a red-blooded (there are other shades out there, trust me) Canadian male I have no problem admitting that these eyes have viewed more than one adult film in their day.

We’re talking about good, old-fashioned mainstream porn, the kind mom and dad used to hide in the top of their closet. But with far less hair and less funky scores.

In fact, I credit Ginger Lynn – and her “sisters”, Amber and Porsche – with helping me survive puberty. They had help, of course, but without them, and the fact we didn’t have any cute female neighbors in my age group with low self-esteem and even lower standards, there’s no way I would have made it out alive as my body was transitioning into what we refer to as adulthood.


I recall a particularly eventful afternoon that involved a group of my high school classmates and an adult film involving two guys who stowed away on a cruise ship.

One that was staffed entirely by lesbians.

In retrospect, maybe “staffed” isn’t the best word to use in this case…

At any rate, on this specific afternoon a bunch of us decided to play hooky from Mr. Shaw’s mind-numbing exploration of geography rather than wait for our teenage brains to melt in our skulls. And yes, I recognize the irony of the fact that I, The Hook, played hooky from school, thank you very much.

So we wound up at Shelley Fanshawe’s house (I’ve changed some names to protect the ridiculously-guilty) and since her parents were super freaks that even Rick James would be scared of, the VHS porn collection soon appeared. I have to admit, it was a little weird watching hardcore scenes surrounded by one’s peers (or so they considered) but I got through it. The next day at school though, a young lady named Nicole Winters – who thought God blessed her with the perfect female form – decided to share a certain “fact’ with the entire student body:

“Rob Hookey got a boner while watching porn with all of us at Shelley’s house!”

This went on for weeks; I was too timid back then to mount any sort of viable defense. Finally, though, I’d had enough. One day, when our law teacher slipped out for a hit of weed (Canadian high school) I confronted Nicole after her umpteenth declaration and let her have both barrels.

“Listen, it was porn!  How was I supposed to react while watching beautiful women peel each other’s clothes off?  And for the record, Nicole, those women had perfect bodies with actual breasts, not those mosquito bites you wrap in a Sears bra stuffed with an entire forest’s worth of Kleenex!” 

Three things happened after that day:

ONE)  Nicole Winters never walked by my locker without spitting at it.

TWO)  Any boyfriend Nicole Winters ever had after that day was instructed to beat the holy crap out of me.

THREE)  I never got to act out any of the scenes in that film with Nicole Winters.

And that, friends is just one of many “porn stories I have in my repertoire. More to come, I mean follow.

See you around, kids…

gingerYes, my teenage years were filled with more than comics and sci-fi movies…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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26 Responses to The Hook On… “Those Types of Movies”.

  1. robincoyle says:

    What was that about your wife having a mean left hook? Did she use it on you after reading this post?

  2. High school mean girls love an easy target.

  3. So much fun, Hook. I had my share of Nicoles and I can tell you I would have rather had a boner watching porn.

  4. I do worry about you sometimes.

  5. Didn’t expect to read about your porn habits today, but it was certainly entertaining! As someone who was also an easy target at school, I feel your pain – my one comment back to a girl who tortured me for months resulted in her sister attempting to attack me in front of the whole school. Do you know what Nicole and her mosquito bites are up to nowadays?

  6. Paul says:

    Egads Hook! That young woman was a real bitch – any healthy male of age should and will get a sexual reaction from watching sex – it is the way we are built. To not have a reaction is to have a problem. High school was a real minefield of emotions. I avoided most of that by starting part time work when I was 14. Not only did that reduce the opportunity to get involved at school (time), it also gave me a whole other world of work in which to operate. That meant I had a girl friend from work and went to parties from work and spent the majority of my time with adults between 25 and 65 – a much more calming – emotionally – environment than the hotbed of a High school. It worked so smooth that I wondered many times if perhaps that is why teens are so emotional – at that stage of life they need adult influences and instead they get more teen influences and less adults.
    Very cool post Hook.

    • shimoniac says:

      Interesting observation, Paul. I actually think teens would benefit from more adult influence. High school is an artificial environment and recent development socially speaking. A hundred years ago, our ancestors didn’t live in nearly the density that we do nowadays. Only the children of the rich would be going to school. Otherwise, a boy or girl, between say twelve to fourteen, would be working.

      • Paul says:

        Shimoniac: I think education is important but I also think that exposure to the real adult world – like working – is important for development at that age.

      • shimoniac says:

        Fate would be a fine thing. These days with helicopter parents, they would never think to allow their precious children to actually, you know, work. Why they might be out of the house and out of contact for hours at a time while being exposed to strangers.

  7. shimoniac says:

    I, also, was an easy target in high school. Until one day, I shut Ms. Bitchface down. When she stopped her verbal abuse to sneer, “Don’t have anything to say?” I said, as calmly as I could, “You’re not worth it.” She turned red, then white, then stormed away. And she never said another word to me again, ever. Her posse were gobsmacked and slunk off after their leader.

    • The Hook says:

      Love it!
      Well done!

      • shimoniac says:

        It wasn’t until years later that I realized that was the best/worst thing I could have said to her. She was bullying me to bolster her own confidence, so by saying that she wasn’t worth a reply, I reinforced her own feelings of inadequacy. On the one hand, I got her to stop harassing me, on the other I trashed her self-esteem even further. Life is a painful and messy process.

  8. Doug in Oakland says:

    Do you suppose that Nicole later revised her, uh, position on the getting of boners by boys?

  9. susielindau says:

    I just started watching Silicon Valley. It’s a TV series. A hooker stopped by, but only one of the guys “enjoyed” the show. The rest said they felt “uncomfortable” around their friends. Hilarious show.

  10. curvyroads says:

    Kids and porn, lol!

  11. Oh Hook, how I have missed you:)
    Reading about your first experience with porn tripped a memory for me, too.
    It was college and I was on a first date with a dude. He took me to a house party. When we opened the door, all I could see were about 12 other dudes sitting in chairs surrounding a little tube tv (yes, it was a while ago).
    I was the only female – a non-stereotypical product of Catholic schooling the 12 years before. I didn’t even know what I was watching.
    I sat beside the TV so that I could’t see anything. It didn’t even dawn on me until now that I had 13 pairs of eyes darting between the TV and the scared sh*tless chick on a chair beside the main event.
    Was there a date #2? No way!
    Was there more porn in my future? Pleading the 5th 😉

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