HOOK’S NOTE: Yes, I’ve made some changes to the core concept of this countdown. (Good eye, faithful reader.) The truth is, I’m just not in a place where I can take on 100 things in 100 days.
Yes, I suck.
But I’m good with it. My apologies for the inconvenience and mental anguish. Now, on with the abridged show…
There are as many distinct groups traveling the highways and byways of North America as there are hotels for them to stay in.
In my role as a bellman I see them all; Orthodox Jews of young and old persuasion, hardcore gamblers, hookers, Johns, bachelor parties, cougars on the prowl, and of course, bachelorettes.
Bachelorettes really are a mother-lode for blogging bellmen like me; they never fail to stimulate one’s cerebral cortex/creative engine. While stimulating other things, of course.
I’ve seen some things that were simultaneously amazing and disheartening while serving bachelorette parties.
- Male blow-up dolls tied to luggage carts.
- Female guests tied to beds.
- Guests that have tied one on – and beyond. (One girl actually passed out in a pool of her own bodily fluids.)
- Vibrators so powerful and mammoth they require the same size battery one would use for a power drill.
- More “dirty” baked goods than one should ever attempt to consume.
- Fuzzy handcuffs.
- A “coven of witches” that, since they didn’t have a fatted calf to sacrifice, decided to bring a bag of raw, bloody steaks to the hotel to “offer up to their dark god”.
I could go on but I risk recalling memories that could make a grown man sob like a little girl. As for the here and now, I recently stored a plethora of lady items for three bachelorettes (vibrating lace things, what remained of a tray of penis cupcakes, a box of wine etc.) who were incredibly-nice, well-behaved young ladies of good character.
(Hey, I had to run into some sooner or later, right?)
However, just because they were decent chicks doesn’t mean they were above having a good time, something they demonstrated while we were waiting for their vehicle to arrive on the valet deck. And yes,a s you’re about to see, I hit the United Colors of Bachelorette Benetton jackpot…
STATUESQUE BLONDE: There are a lot of bachelorette chicks like us here, aren’t there?
BRUNETTE OF AVERAGE HEIGHT: Yeah, they’re everywhere!
AWESOME, PETITE REDHEAD: (You’ll see why she’s awesome soon enough.) Do you see a lot of craziness from chicks like us, Robert?
I then went on to recount my many bachelorette encounters for them. No stone was left upturned; they got the whole ugly, libidinous truth. I concluded my recollections with a tale of the “All-American Challenge”, a red, white and blue vibrator that was so large it required the aforementioned drill battery.
They stood there on the valet deck as the last words left my lips, paralyzed with shock. But not all of them.
AWESOME, PETITE REDHEAD: I could’ve handled that thing!
I was shocked – as were her friends – by her boldness, but I didn’t miss a beat in replying.
ME: Oh yeah? Remember, sometimes our eyes are bigger than our stomachs… so to speak!
APR: Trust me.. I may be small… but I’ve got mad skills, yo!
My parents have great health coverage… bring on that Challenge, Hook!
Her colleagues nearly fell over.
ME: Mad skills or not… you take on that challenge… and you’ll require surgery afterwards!
They all broke up in raucous laughter – which was interrupted by a powerful gust of wind that lifted the Brunette’s sundress .
Right over her head.
APR: OMG! He just saw everything!
The Brunette was mortified, though she was laughing her head off as she pulled her dress down and made sure it stayed that way.
ME: Actually, miss… I happened to look away at that moment. Just my luck, right?
BRUNETTE OF AVERAGE HEIGHT: Well, if this wind keeps up… you’ll get your chance again, Robert!
But, of course, their car arrived at that moment and they were out of my life forever. Thankfully, they’ve achieved immortality on the blog.
See you in the lobby, kids…