I love elevators.
(Though, to be clear, I will be visiting an elevator-related issue in the near future. But for now let’s keep things positive, shall we?)
#96: Things you Overhear In Elevators.
As I was saying typing, elevators are wonderful metal boxes where people seem to think inhibitions are verboten. Guests will do anything in elevators. Or at least, they’ll start to; the average ride is ninety seconds and I don’t know about you, but being a tall man, it takes me longer than that to get my pants down, never mind to… well, you get the x-rated picture, right?
Getting back to guests; they’ll say pretty much anything, even if, and sometimes especially, if I’m right beside them. Take this pair of twenty-something broads (and trust me, they were most definitely broads): they couldn’t care less that a bellman was right there in the elevator with them. They just wanted to bash their “friend” as much as they could.
TOWERING BRUNETTE ON THE ELEVATOR: She claims she got her cootchie sewn back up by a doctor in San Diego, but I checked and her husband said she’s never been to San Diego, the lying bitch!
PETITE BLONDE ON THE ELEVATOR: Really, I had no idea you even knew her husband, Brad.
TOWERING BRUNETTE: Oh yeah! We’ve been fucking each other for over a year! That’s why I know she’d never need her cootchie sewn up… she’s a frigid bitch!
PETITE BLONDE: Oh! You’re seeing Brad? You never told me!
TOWERING BRUNETTE: Well, you moved away and I’ve been busy…
(Banging her friend’s husband.)
PETITE BLONDE: How’d you guys meet anyway?
TOWERING BRUNETTE: The office Christmas party. He says I’m what he ‘Wanted Santa to put in his stocking – the gift that keeps on giving… head!’
I swear, I wanted to bust out laughing – and knowing myself as I do, I’m surprised I didn’t – but The Hooks stayed silent. Momentarily, at least…
PETITE BLONDE: (Glancing in my direction hesitantly and whispering – finally.) Do you think the bellguy can hear us?
TOWERING BRUNETTE: (Definitely not whispering.) Who cares! They’re not allowed to listen to guests anyways!
Just then the elevator ascending box of gossip reached their floor. As they got out, I discovered I could stay silent no longer.
ME: (To the Petite Blonde.) To answer your question, miss… I have fully-functioning hearing so I can’t help but overhear conversations that occur right beside me. However, I am completely discreet – in spite of the fact I write a blog about my adventures as a bellman. To quote Bon Jovi… have a nice day!
Needless to say, they were speechless/mortified as the elevator door closed in front of them.
And that’s why I love elevators.
See you in the lobby, kids…