Fear The Corporate Dead.

To clarify, by “Corporate”, I mean corporate drones, the so-called business class among us. And by “Dead”, I mean non-animated from the neck up.

And yes, this is going to be the post where I tear a HUGE strip off corporate North America. Trust me, they have it coming.

There are many times when a bellman must grin and bear it when it comes to dealing with corporate guests. After all, they bring in oodles of cash, thus helping to keep the lights on, as they say.

Plus, they’re vindictive as fuck, so one must always be fully aware of the Pandora’s box one may be opening by crossing them.

Please pardon my Canadian French.

Seriously, corporate drones and executives will go out of their way to make a hospitality worker’s life a living hell if they feel they’ve been wronged, I’ve seen it far too many times. Fortunately, I’ve grown quite adept at the art of putting a guest in their place without suffering consequences, to say the least.

But not everyone has my particular personality and winning charm. In fact, I actually said this to the last corporate drone I served…

I have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired  over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you

That’s one corporate secretary that will never again ask a bellman, “Do you know what you’re doing?”

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Hey, don’t blame me, the Hook writes this drivel!

Here’s a hand-dandy guide to some of the many varieties of the Corporate Dead I’ve encountered over the years. I hope you enjoy this guide; Lord knows I went through hell to compile it…

 1)  The Slutty Secretary.  Yes, they aren’t just an urban myth like the mail carrier who sleeps with housewives, the sane Kardashian or the female orgasm. These gals put the “ass” in assistant and they really mean it when they say they work “hard”…

The classic example is the CIBC “sexretary” who got an extreme close-up view of the hotel’s laundry room years ago – specifically, the folding table. Incidentally, CIBC is a Canadian bank. Which apprentice deals in hard currency...

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2)  The Party Animal.  Every company needs at least one. Apparently. No one knows how they escape the HR noose, but somehow they survive employee review season like business cockroaches. To be honest, corporate retreats actually function better without PAs (I’ve seen them be forcibly removed from functions after the booze starts flowing) but no one is really interested in getting any actual work done at these things any way so…

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3)  The Bootlicker.  Male or female, this single-celled organism will do whatever it takes to get ahead. I love to watch them run around the lobby looking for higher-up ass to smooch. We have them at the hotel as well, obviously. They’re the best.

As long as its not your job they’re after.

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4)  That Idiot Johnson.  He has existed since the dawn of time itself. He makes you roll your eyes more than watching Trump speak. He drives everyone – from the mail guy to the Big Boss – crazy, but he fulfills an important role in the corporate hierarchy. 

Of course, I have no idea what that role could possibly be.

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5)  The Planners.  These are the employees who arrive before everyone else. They bring the booze, the snacks, the actual work materials. They always need help. They never, ever, ever tip.

So basically, they suck.

Real hard.

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6)  The Head Planner.  Stop giggling, perverts. This is usually a female. (I’m not being misogynistic, it’s true.) This chick will drive a bellman to drink the green cleaning liquid the housekeepers use. She’ll make me run around the hotel like a headless (but still ruggedly handsome) chicken for days. Granted, fifty percent of the time she’ll tip large, so it’s worth it. It’s exhausting but it’s definitely worth it if the Hospitality Gods are smiling upon me.

Most planners love me, but there have been a few exceptions…

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7)  The guy who steals all the leftover booze.  This isn’t necessarily a Planner – or even a male, necessarily – but it is a person who knows how to seize an opportunity when they see it.

This person is also a thieving bastard.

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8)  The Spouses.  Most Corporate Drones refuse to bring their spouses to company outings, as they are considered the ultimate downer, but there are a few exceptions. Personally, I kinda love the paranoid spouses who grill their significant other’s co-workers. They make for delicious, but non-fattening drama. And that’s the best kind, friends.

 

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9)  The Kids.  Children are also a rarely-seen commodity at corporate retreats but again, if you’re a student of human behavior they can make your day. Of course, everyone else at the retreat will paint a mental bulls eye on whoever decided it’d be a good idea to bring their spawn to a work function…

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10)  The Big Boss.  The CEO of your life. The Head Honcho. (Literally, if he’s traveling with a sexretary.) Call him whatever you like, the buck stops with him, in theory at least. To be clear, I’ve seen two types of BBs: The in-your-face flashy type who will make it very well known that he or she is in charge and the understated type who prefers to get results quietly rather than with a flashy display of status.

Either way, any BB worth their salt will keep a low profile during a company retreat. After all, there’s always some opportunistic Bootlicker, a vindictive Johnson or a moronic Party Animal with a camera on their cellphone (or a blog) who’s ready to document a leader’s shenanigans while away from the office.

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 All right, all this delving into corporate culture has left me feeling icky (I’m anything but a yes man) time to call it a day.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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22 Responses to Fear The Corporate Dead.

  1. Tara says:

    At the risk of sounding redundant, you have the BEST job.

  2. Allie P. says:

    Sigh… I know many of these characters too well…

  3. This job sounds so exciting I’m surprised they even pay you to do it!

  4. shimoniac says:

    Many of these people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

  5. umashankar says:

    I will wait for Hookwick Papers. Perhaps someday you will realise your true calling and sit down to complete it.

  6. Lisa Orchard says:

    You hit the nail on the head with this one! Great post!

  7. kunstkitchen says:

    Yup. Yes. Uh huh. Although a corporate secretary these days is more likely a ‘director’ to one of the chiefs, on her way up to be a VP.

  8. jlheuer says:

    Dealing with politicians is bad too. When I worked at the library we had a big auditorium that many a local politician would use for town hall meetings, listening sessions, etc. I remember one particular Planner or Front Man asking me at the public service desk about the setup or some such info. I told him everything was ready for Mr. “Smith”. He responded to me , “that’s Senator “Smith”. Well, la de daa. Definitely had an affect on how I voted that year.

  9. susielindau says:

    Quite a variety, Hook!

  10. Nadia says:

    Corporate retreats are the equivalent of the latest Fergie video. Something you desperately want to forget but can’t. (Or I guess remember, in some people’s cases.)
    And you managed to feauture Jon Ham. Thank you.

  11. curvyroads says:

    Thank you for the very accurate reminder of why I miss nothing about corporate life!!

  12. Paul says:

    Oh lord, I know you are right Hook. It irks me that their shenanigans are funded by the cost of their products that I purchase. It sucks.

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