Welcome, everyone, to my first Monday On A Tuesday post, where I share one of those, “That actually happened, Hook?” stories.
This initial foray is brief but unfreakin’ believable – until you remember it happened to me.
I arrived at a room at seven-thirty in the morning to pick up some luggage from a corporate executive. Sounds simple enough, right?
So, so wrong.
I knocked and knocked but after a full minute it seemed as though I was wasting my time. Then a breathless, raspy voice ushered me in. One swipe of my master key later, I entered a dimly lit room that truly was void of illumination save for the glare of a hotel television. It was the TV that caught my eye first.
Porn always has that effect on me.
And this was most definitely porn. Lesbian porn to be accurate. (I strive for accuracy in these matter, as you know.) After a few brief-but-steamy-seconds my examination of the “art film” in question was broken by the purring voice of the guest who summoned me to this den of sin in the first place.
COUGAR: Do you mind if I finish watching this skinflick while you load up my luggage, Mr. Bellboy?
I turned, almost choked for a nanosecond and began to pick up the bags gathered next to the dresser the “big electronic box of porn’ was sitting on.
ME: Not at all, miss! But if you could stop masturbating until I leave… I’d be most grateful. It’s a bit distracting.
(Once again, I regretted not being able to take photos of guests; the masturbating aside, the look of shock on her face was priceless.)
Yes, I all but ignored the towering, auburn-haired, horny-as-a-hoot-owl cougar who one can only assume was hoping to ensnare a “bellboy” in her porno fantasy. Instead, I picked up her bags with lightning speed and got the hell out of there.
And that’s it. No cheesy music. No dropping of my uniform on the floor. No squeaking bed frames. No divorce and a cast iron frying pan to the side of my head from the wife. Just another morning in my life that’s sure to make your coffee shoot out your nose.
How’s your day been so far?
See you in the lobby, kids…