Welcome To My M.O.A.T.

Welcome, everyone, to my first Monday On A Tuesday post, where I share one of those, “That actually happened, Hook?” stories.

This initial foray is brief but unfreakin’ believable – until you remember it happened to me.

I arrived at a room at seven-thirty in the morning to pick up some luggage from a corporate executive. Sounds simple enough, right?

Wrong.

So, so wrong.

I knocked and knocked but after a full minute it seemed as though I was wasting my time. Then a breathless, raspy voice ushered me in. One swipe of my master key later, I entered a dimly lit room that truly was void of illumination save for the glare of a hotel television. It was the TV that caught my eye first.

Porn always has that effect on me.

And this was most definitely porn. Lesbian porn to be accurate. (I strive for accuracy in these matter, as you know.) After a few brief-but-steamy-seconds my examination of the “art film” in question was broken by the purring voice of the guest who summoned me to this den of sin in the first place.

COUGAR:  Do you mind if I finish watching this skinflick while you load up my luggage, Mr. Bellboy? 

I turned, almost choked for a nanosecond and began to pick up the bags gathered next to the dresser the “big electronic box of porn’ was sitting on.

ME:  Not at all, miss! But if you could stop masturbating until I leave… I’d be most grateful. It’s a bit distracting.

(Once again, I regretted not being able to take photos of guests; the masturbating aside, the look of shock on her face was priceless.)

creepy-flag_i4df7s

Yes, I all but ignored the towering, auburn-haired, horny-as-a-hoot-owl cougar who one can only assume was hoping to ensnare a “bellboy” in her porno fantasy. Instead, I picked up her bags with lightning speed and got the hell out of there.

And that’s it. No cheesy music. No dropping of my uniform on the floor. No squeaking bed frames. No divorce and a cast iron frying pan to the side of my head from the wife. Just another morning in my life that’s sure to make your coffee shoot out your nose.

How’s your day been so far?

See you in the lobby, kids…

giphy

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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37 Responses to Welcome To My M.O.A.T.

  1. Paul says:

    You are a man with great intestinal fortitude Hook. I’m proud of ya. 😀

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    That never happens at the Motel 6s I stay at.

  3. charflew23 says:

    After as many blog post of yours I’ve read this shouldn’t phase me, it did though. Only you can describe it so well.

  4. 1. You officially have the best job in the world.
    2. I read this through my fingers.
    3. I wish I hadn’t mentioned fingers.
    4. People are so weird.
    5. 🙂

  5. Tara says:

    From the sound of it, bellboys can land as much tail as a rock star.

  6. umashankar says:

    I am not sure whether God invented The Hook as a forethought or an afterthought to Sin but he is such a relief from all the grimness spanning over the world, and by extension to blogs.

  7. Oh *great*. Now I’m going to have an image in my mind today that I can’t unsee. I’ll be outside cutting brush and that little scenario will pop into my head. LOL. I seriously don’t know how you do that job sometimes. I might have burst out laughing at it all. What did she expect of you? For you to suddenly rip off your clothes and jump into a circle jerk?

  8. I have to admit I would hoof it out of there too. Good job.

  9. shimoniac says:

    Wow, just wow. Actually after the cast-iron frying pan to the skull, the divorce would be redundant. I mean your brains smashed flat as a pancake and all.

  10. curvyroads says:

    Oh my. It might take me awhile to regain my full capacity for using my words…

  11. Archon's Den says:

    I am now so happy that I don’t drink coffee. 😳

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