Sunday mornings are gold for a blogging bellman, folks.
From drunken bridesmaids who wake up chained to each other to foul-mouthed nuns, you see it all. All of God’s special children make their way through Niagara Falls on Sunday mornings. And if you’re me, you try to write about it – if you can find the time, that is. Here is a brief look at ten of the most special of all the souls I encountered in my end-of-the-week travels, friends.
ONE) One quote pretty much says it all:
“On any other day, in any other life, that might seem strange.” – Me, while watching a guy with a cinder block chained to his wrist carry it thru the lobby on his shoulder.
Of course, you know I couldn’t let something like this go, right? I quickly approached the gentleman (who had to be a groom-to be) in question:
“I’ve heard of a ball and chain, sir… but this is ridiculous!”
Naturally, his buddies broke out into raucous laughter as he lowered his head – and almost dropped his cinder block on his foot.
TWO) The happiest hooker I’ve ever seen. Seriously, this petite redhead had to have been a Disney employee at one time, that’s how chipper she was. She bounced through the lobby as though helium had been injected into her bloodstream. And this was after her “job” was done.
“This chick is ridiculously-happy for someone who lets people, no matter how disgusting or depraved they are, jump up and down her for money.” – Me, of course.
THREE) A hungover, towering, bottled-blonde bachelorette with dried vomit in her hair, bloodshot eyes that would make a vampire peckish, an outfit that looked as though it had been slept in – for a month – and a foul mouth that would set a sailor straight.
“Holy fuck! Am I fucked up or what?”
Is that classy or what?
Incidentally, people should never complain about bachelor parties; these days, the gals are just as likely to go over the edge of sanity in the pursuit of a good time as their male counterparts.
You’ve come a long way, drunken babies…
FOUR) The morbidly obese Grinder Dad who had the balls to use his ten-minutes-from-death mother-in-law’s wheelchair as a luggage cart. To my delight, his leaning tower of luggage fell over just as he approached the revolving door leading out of the lobby.
I laughed out loud. And no, I didn’t feel bad for a moment.
FIVE) The nervous-as-a-long tailed-cat-in-a-room-full-of-rocking-chairs-father who freaked when he heard the resulting “BANG” that resulted when Grinder Dad’s bags fell over.
“We just got back from Mexico… when you hear a sound like that, it means someone got shot!”
SIX) The two Frat Boys who were way too close for guys who claim to be straight. To be clear, I have no problem with an individual’s choice of lover; it’s all good to me. But when two guys check in with impossibly-hot girlfriends but then spend more time slapping each other on the shoulder and ass in the lobby?
SEVEN) A horde of brash, ridiculously-overbearing Bostonian Americans. This needs no further explanation, does it? By the way, Bostonians are hilarious human beings that can make an otherwise boring day unforgettable. All this particular group had to do was yammer on and I was entertained.
EIGHT) A little girl dressed as Iron Man (Iron Lass? Metal Maiden? Circuitry Chick?) who kept running into every stone pillar in the lobby. Her parents just let her go. After encountering them twice I had to speak up.
“You do realize, folks, that the young lady’s ‘armor’ is actually plastic? Trust me on this, brain damaged is no way to go through life – in spite of Donald Trump’s example, of course.”
NINE) Golden-aged golfers. There were an even dozen of them, dressed in their full golf regalia. (Who designs this stuff anyway, a blind designer with a massive head injury?) They were, for the most part, happy, decent folks. Naturally, there were a few way-past-the-expiration-date souls among them who were angry at the world.
“All these damn people need to get out of our way so we can get going, time’s a’wastin’!”
“Where’s our damn tour bus?”
“Can one of you damn bell guys take our golf bags and coolers to the damn tour bus? We’re old!”
“Who’s got the booze?”
(I suppose it was a valid query – for ten-thirty in the morning.)
“Hot damn, I’m on fire! Seriously, my pacemaker just sparked up!”
TEN) Me. After all, I am God’s special bellman…
See you in the lobby, kids…