Bellmen don’t just wear those goofy caps that will be forever associated with our profession; we have to wear many metaphorical caps in order to properly serve the traveling public.
On any given day I have to be a…
- Drug dealer. Though I decline, obviously. (I’m too pretty for prison.)
- Marriage counselor.
- Pimp. Yes, I decline that request too. (Hey, If I’m not getting laid.. no one is!)
- Human GPS. Truth be told, I suck at directions. Thankfully, nerds invented Google Maps.
- Peter Parker. The photographer, not the superhero.
- Trip advisor. Though, to be clear, I’m not as corrupt as the website.
- Packing expert guy.
- Travel expert guy.
I could go on. But I don’t want to. Instead I’m going to share a few of the questions travelers hurl my way on a daily basis. We’ll start with something topical. Here are a few queries I received on Niagara Falls Comic Con weekend.
“I can’t have my own cart? But I’m Superman!”
To clarify, he was wearing a Superman Tee. And he was Asian. And in a wheelchair. I have nothing against wheeled guests, but how the hell did he plan on wheeling the cart while simultaneously wheeling himself?
“So have you seen anyone famous, Mr. Bellguy? Like Pauly Shore?”
Fun Fact: A former colleague actually slept with Shore years ago after meeting him at a club in St. Catharines. Being the classy chick she is, this gal posted shots of Shore in the morning in front of her house.
Hugging her dad.
“Do you think you could get someone famous to sign my wife’s chest?”
His wife was… not attractive, so the odds were against this couple, to say the least.
“Do you think the Hulk is really as big as he looks?”
I knew my response was going to be ineffective, but I had to try: “If Lou Ferrigno looks that big to you sir… he is that big.” Poor Lou had a few run-ins with guests — and others – during his stay with us at the hotel, prompting a few interesting questions:
“Do you think the Hulk is going to… you know… ‘Hulk-out’ if people keep pestering him? It’d be cool to see him snap a guest in half!”
“The servers have been all over him the Hulk this weekend! What are the odds Lou Ferrigno ever gets to finish his eggs at the breakfast buffet, I wonder?”
“They’re really ticking the Hulk off! How many servers do you think Ferrigno could fit in his suitcase?”
“Do you think the Hulk will like me?” – Casey, an eight-year-old cutie pie.
I am happy to report, that, in the end, Lou didn’t make bacon out of any of the breakfast staff. (And he thought Casey was adorable.) As it turns out, the Hulk is an incredibly-decent, happy, sweet guy. Who knew?
Do you see now why I love NFCC, kids? It’s the greatest. Let’s move onto some other rascals of the hospitality world.
“Do you think I have a lot of balls?”
She was carrying a clear plastic case of baseballs – and a great sense of humor.
“My new wife is pretty hot, isn’t she, Robert? Have you seen her ass? She puts A LOT of work into it! And you know what I put in it, right?”
Yes, my world is made up of extremes, friends. From eight-year-old cutie pies to vulgar, middle-aged pigs, I deal with them all. But it’s all good. As for this particular pig, there was only one thing I could say…
“Yes, she is. Yes, I have. I believe you… it shows! And yes, I know full-well what you put in it, sir… well done.”
Here’s a few random questions to close out today’s offering, my friends.
“Why does God hate me?”
The guest in question had just lost his wallet and reservation confirmation number – after having a car accident on the way to the hotel. My response, “Were you planning on voting for Trump, perhaps?”, lightened his mood significantly. Incidentally, he found his wallet and his confirmation number, but his car was still wrecked. You can’t have everything, sadly.
“Why does it cost so much to leave your house these days?”
“Where the hell’s my room? You moved it since the last time I was here, didn’t you?”
“Can you tell me why I keep losing at the casino?”
“OH GAWD… OH GAWD! WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD?”
Okay, so that last one was more of a declaration than a question… but you don’t care do you?
See you in the lobby, kids…