“Let’s Ask This Guy!”

Bellmen don’t just wear those goofy caps that will be forever associated with our profession; we have to wear many metaphorical caps in order to properly serve the traveling public.

On any given day I have to be a…

  • Drug dealer.  Though I decline, obviously. (I’m too pretty for prison.)
  • Marriage counselor.
  • Pimp.  Yes, I decline that request too. (Hey, If I’m not getting laid.. no one is!)
  • Human GPS.  Truth be told, I suck at directions. Thankfully, nerds invented Google Maps.
  • Peter Parker.  The photographer, not the superhero.
  • Trip advisor.  Though, to be clear, I’m not as corrupt as the website.
  • Packing expert guy.
  • Travel expert guy.

I could go on. But I don’t want to. Instead I’m going to share a few of the questions travelers hurl my way on a daily basis. We’ll start with something topical. Here are a few queries I received on Niagara Falls Comic Con weekend.

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“I can’t have my own cart? But I’m Superman!”

To clarify, he was wearing a Superman Tee. And he was Asian. And in a wheelchair. I have nothing against wheeled guests, but how the hell did he plan on wheeling the cart while simultaneously wheeling himself?

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“So have you seen anyone famous, Mr. Bellguy? Like Pauly Shore?”

Fun Fact: A former colleague actually slept with Shore years ago after meeting him at a club in St. Catharines. Being the classy chick she is, this gal posted shots of Shore in the morning in front of her house.

Hugging her dad.

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“Do you think you could get someone famous to sign my wife’s chest?”

His wife was… not attractive, so the odds were against this couple, to say the least.

“Do you think the Hulk is really as big as he looks?”

I knew my response was going to be ineffective, but I had to try: “If Lou Ferrigno looks that big to you sir… he is that big.” Poor Lou had a few run-ins with guests — and others – during his stay with us at the hotel, prompting a few interesting questions:

“Do you think the Hulk is going to… you know… ‘Hulk-out’ if people keep pestering him? It’d be cool to see him snap a guest in half!”

“The servers have been all over him the Hulk this weekend! What are the odds Lou Ferrigno ever gets to finish his eggs at the breakfast buffet, I wonder?”

“They’re really ticking the Hulk off! How many servers do you think Ferrigno could fit in his suitcase?”

“Do you think the Hulk will like me?” – Casey, an eight-year-old cutie pie.

I am happy to report, that, in the end, Lou didn’t make bacon out of any of the breakfast staff. (And he thought Casey was adorable.) As it turns out, the Hulk is an incredibly-decent, happy, sweet guy. Who knew?

tumblr_n51vkdEWAx1s2wio8o1_500“Hulk just want to eat in peace!!!”

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Do you see now why I love NFCC, kids? It’s the greatest. Let’s move onto some other rascals of the hospitality world.

 

“Do you think I have a lot of balls?”

She was carrying a clear plastic case of baseballs – and a great sense of humor.

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“My new wife is pretty hot, isn’t she, Robert? Have you seen her ass? She puts A LOT of work into it! And you know what I put in it, right?”

Yes, my world is made up of extremes, friends. From eight-year-old cutie pies to vulgar, middle-aged pigs, I deal with them all. But it’s all good. As for this particular pig, there was only one thing I could say…

“Yes, she is. Yes, I have. I believe you… it shows! And yes, I know full-well what you put in it, sir… well done.”

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Here’s a few random questions to close out today’s offering, my friends.

“Why does God hate me?”

The guest in question had just lost his wallet and reservation confirmation number – after having a car accident on the way to the hotel. My response, “Were you planning on voting for Trump, perhaps?”, lightened his mood significantly. Incidentally, he found his wallet and his confirmation number, but his car was still wrecked. You can’t have everything, sadly.

“Why does it cost so much to leave your house these days?”

“Where the hell’s my room? You moved it since the last time I was here, didn’t you?”

“Can you tell me why I keep losing at the casino?”

“OH GAWD… OH GAWD!  WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD?”

Okay, so that last one was more of a declaration than a question… but you don’t care do you?

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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20 Responses to “Let’s Ask This Guy!”

  1. Paul says:

    You are a man of many talents Mr. Hook.

  2. I had the pleasure of meeting Lou once… great guy! So kind and sweet! We were all flying out of a little bitty airport in Paducah, KY. When we got on the plane, he came on board and said someone left their purse in a seat in the gate area and he turned it into security… it was my daughter’s purse. 🙂 She went back in and got her purse from security.

    Did I mention this was a little bitty airport?? 2 gates! Seriously! (also, it was pre-911) We were on a puddle jumper too. When he boarded, he FILLED the entire doorway! No one ever believes my daughter when she tells them the story… people are so stupid! Do they think all celebrities live in mansions and don’t do normal things?? Geez……

    He had just attended the Superman festival in Metropolis, IL…right across the river from Paducah. It is a HUGE festival believe it or not. It will bring in about 30,000 people from all over the country in 4 days. And Metropolis is a little bitty town… like 6,500 people. The one for this year actually just ended yesterday. There were celebs there from Supergirl, several comic book graphic designers and artists and 2 of the past Jimmy Olsens from movies and Butch Patrick! LOL! I would love to meet “Little Eddie Munster!” 😀

  3. When I worked in advertising I got a lot of requests for drugs and pimping activity. And no, you cannot charge the fur coat to the room account my client is paying for. I did get that one.

  4. “I know full well what you put in it sir… well done.” “Well done” made me spit my tea all over the counter. Too funny. At least it keeps things entertaining.

  5. Human GPS indeed! The problem is that some people still wouldn’t know what to do with directions once recited to them. You could tell them that it is three blocks north and they’d still cry that they don’t have a compass.

  6. Wow, people really expect you to have an answer for everything!

  7. A says:

    I hate to say I’ve been absent from your world for far too long, my friend, but I’M BACK!!! You never disappoint and you’ll be seeing me around much more frequently, again 🙂

  8. Great session. I loved the comment to the guy who thought God hated him.

  9. There was a brief attempt at a Japanese style game show where Lou Ferrigno had to ride a stationary bike for a specified length of time in order to win a baby (yep, a human infant) and of course he did. The part where he was handed a human baby was amusing just for the expression on his face alone. Larry the chicken might have had the same expression as he floated away thanks to the balloons attached to him – the game show host waved and said “Bye bye Larry the chicken!” but I’m assuming there were animal rights activists behind the show going off the air. *sigh* Those people are the reason we can’t have Japanese style game shows. 😉

  10. curvyroads says:

    Love the ballsy woman, and the cutie pie!

  11. Doug in Oakland says:

    “Can you tell me why I keep losing at the casino?”
    Let me take a guess at this one: Because you keep playing at the casino…

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