Every May 24th, one of my colleagues makes the identical comment in an exasperated tone:
“Hook. the May Two-Four weekend is always a zoo from Hell! I’m not gonna make it this year!”
But every year he does. However, his observation is spot-on; the May holiday weekend in Niagara Falls is indeed a zoo. But it can be survived – and easily – if one just accepts the situation for what it is and acts accordingly. Personally, I maintain a forward momentum and let it all roll off my back – by venting and blogging, of course.
Which brings us to today’s post. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a sampling of comments, declarations, queries and other statements made at my desk, in the elevator and other locations throughout the hotel. As always, I recommend you take what you will from them and get on with your lives.
We’ll begin with a tweet detailing a conversation, albeit a truly bizarre one, I had with a cougar on the thirty-second floor of the hotel’s North Tower. She was not impressed with the intensity of the air conditioning on her floor. To say the least.
In my defense, this not-quite-young-but-definitely-energetic lady was terrifying. Saying no to her was not an option. Luckily, my ordeal (yeah, go ahead and laugh it up) was brief. Incidentally, if I had to guess, I’d say her chest was factory-issued and yet, it really did feel like the bags of sand Steve Carell references in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Yes, my life is beyond weird, what of it?
In the end (or should I say in the front?) the cougar had to satisfy herself (not for the first time, I’m certain) with the fact the outside temperature was actually warmer than her floor, which she was departing from anyway.
At least she warmed up – and was briefly felt up – eventually. And that’s all I have to say about that.
Outside of divorce court, that is.
Now on with the show! To the guest elevator!
GOLDEN-AGED HUSBAND: Twenty bucks Canadian for an effin’ skinflick?
MUCH, MUCH YOUNGER TROPHY WIFE: Well… look at it this way, Pookie (I swear, I’m not making this up) at least it did the trick! For a few minutes, you were a real tiger… Tiger!
Then she growled. And I couldn’t help but chuckle. Out loud.
She giggled at my chuckle. He lowered his head; when he should have been proud at scoring out of his weight-class. The elevator arrived at the lobby and we departed. He moved to let me out first.
ME: Oh, that’s all right, sir. You go first.
GOLDEN-AGED HUSBAND: Thanks, Boss.
ME: My pleasure… Tiger.
He laughed out loud. Finally.
“Man… I’m hangin’!” – Eight-year-old pig-tailed, white-as-Brooke-Shields girl.
“Niagara Falls sure is busy this weekend! I guess nobody can afford Disney anymore! – Grandma of indiscernible age.
“This hotel is the shit!” – twelve-year-old, African-American homeboy from New York.
“Why the hell are there so many people here from the “Sand Countries?” – Redneck wife in the lobby, addressing her equally clueless clan.
And yes, I’m sure she was a Trump supporter. God save America – because it looks like no one else is going to. Now onto a young couple I was helping to their car. They were a curious duo – and a hilarious one.
YOUNG WIFE: (Looking back into the lobby from the valet Deck.) Is that Kim Kardashian, honey?
YOUNG HUSBAND: (Squinting and pondering.) No, I think it’s just a slutty broad, honey.
ME: Actually, it’s a hooker, folks.
BOTH: Isn’t that the same thing?
See you in the lobby, folks…