But it’s definitely the funniest.
In my world, at least.
It was Memorial Day morning. The hotel was abuzz with activity at an earlier hour than was the norm. Then again, in the hotel, “normal” is a relative word. At any rate, the lobby was packed and people were bouncing about like lobotomized lemmings. With their eyes glues to cellphones. Mixed in among the departing horde was a petite goddess.
Her hair was black as night. Her eyes sparkled like the Incredible Hulk’s biceps. (Yeah, I’m a nerd. What of it?) Her skin was as tight as the weave in Donald Trump’s hairpiece. She was healthy in a way you rarely see from someone who doesn’t spend twenty-four hours a day in a gym.
And like a citizen of the United Kingdom would say, she was built like a brick shitehouse, her chesteral region almost fully exposed by a neckline that plunged deeper than Kanye’s mental state.
Though to be honest, I barely noticed.
As you’re about to see, you’re not the only one who doubts me. As our paths aligned – she was heading out and I was rolling a cart full of Middle Eastern bags – the young goddess decided to “call me out”.
GODDESS: (Stopping dead in her tracks without actually expiring.) Excuse me, are you staring at my breasts?
Have to admit, I was thrown by her use of “breasts” rather than something more colorful. Like “God’s greatest creation since bacon” for example. But I recovered quickly.
ME: To be frank (I knew Frank wouldn’t mind.), miss… I really wasn’t. And yes, I’m even surprised by that.
She paused to consider my answer. Then she brought the house down.
GODDESS: Well, why the hell not? Why’d I bother wearing this barely-there top in the first place?
Again, I immediately fired back.
ME: Listen, miss… under different circumstances, my eyes would be doing a jig all over you. But the truth is… I’m married –
GODDESS: But you’re not wearing a ring?
ME: I lost it some time ago… but trust me, I’m not lying. And the truth is… my wife scares the crap out of me. No offense to you, miss, but I enjoy having my organs inside my body…
That little nugget almost brought her to her knees.
GODDESS: You’re funny! And that’s the only reason I’m letting you off the hook!
ME: You have no idea how ironic that is, miss.
GODDESS: What’s that?
ME: Well, you see, everyone around here calls me “The Hook” because –
GODDESS: No, I mean what’s “ironic” mean?
It was my turn to nearly double over.
See you in the lobby, kids…