As a bellman I handle a lot of sex toys.
Fortunately, they’re in suitcases, boxes or bags. Usually. Recently, I made contact with (I have to admit, I had to resist the urge to use the phrase “hooked up”) with a few individuals on Twitter (Bunny and Karen) who are advocates of self-pleasuring devices like the Sybian. These enlightened souls have inspired me to take a closer look at the coital devices I see so often and their impact on the male psyche.
Actually, I don’t think sex toys should be seen as a threat by any member of the human race who is willing to put in the effort to please their partner. Still, the following list is worth exploring for entertainment value alone. Hopefully you see it that way too…
We’ll use the Sybian as an example. Here are what I see as Pros for a device like the “Big S”.
1) The Sybian will never forget a birthday, an anniversary or any special occasion. For that matter, it will never stand you up. Talk about the ultimate attentive partner.
2) A device doesn’t fall asleep right after it orgasms.
And to that point…
3) A machine doesn’t orgasm… so there’s no clean up. I know that’s the ultimate bonus for many ladies. I won’t get into the icky details but let’s face facts, sex is a messy endeavor; if you can achieve the “YEEESSS!! without the “EEEWWW!!!”, you’re golden.
4) The Sybian never snores after sex.
5) Technology gets right the point without all the sometimes-clumsy foreplay.
6) You never have to worry about bad breath with the Sybian.
7) Once the a device finds your sweet spot (or to be exact, once you help it find your sweet spot), it never forgets it. Ever.
8) Until science really gets going, devices can’t slap you in the ass and call you, “Sweet Cheeks!” (However, if you like that sort of thing, please disregard.)
9) The Sybian won’t divulge all your sexy secrets to its buddies on social media or in person at the local watering hole.
10) The Sybian is the best listener you’ve ever had coitus with.
11) Technology can never piss you off so much you don’t want to sleep with it anymore – unless it breaks down, of course.
12) The Sybian will never cheat on you with that girl from work that you hate with the intensity of a thousand white-hot suns.
13) You can cheat on the Sybian without feeling guilty. For example, if you want to try a Sybian of a different color, who cares?
14) Technology is virtually impervious to the aging process. You can’t say that about your current lover, can you?
15) The Sybian doesn’t need to take a break during lovemaking.
16) The Sybian is always in the mood.
17) A machine’s CPU will never wander during sex.
18) The Sybian will never disagree with your choice of “sexy soundtrack” to accompany your session. Play all the Janet Jackson you want, baby!
19) Devices like the Sybian allow you to set the pace. You want to slow down or speed up? No problem!
20) The Sybian will never stop loving you. Literally.
I’m not sure there’s much of a point now, but let’s look at the human machine, shall we?
1) A human may very well forget those special days – but at least they can make it up to you. A sex toy can’t buy you flowers or take you out for a nice meal and dancing.
2) A human can learn to not fall asleep after sex if you hit them enough times.
3) People can learn to be thoughtful enough to clean up after icky-sticky sex. (Violence really can save a relationship if applied properly.)
4) Foreplay – if administered expertly – rocks.
5) Pre-coital breath mints can work wonders.
6) It may take some patience, but your lover can learn to navigate their way to your sweet spot if they’re willing to be a little selfless.
7) I slapped the wife in the butt once. It did not go over well. People – even males – can learn from their mistakes.
8) The aging process isn’t so bad. I’m actually a far better lover now than I was as a teen. It helps to have a real person to practice with…
9) Breaks during lovemaking can actually enhance the experience. Dehydration is the enemy, my friends.
10) I don’t care what’s playing in the background; I’ll fool around to whale song as long as I get to fool around! Yeah, I’m a guy through and through. What of it?
11) Being pissed off at your partner isn’t the worst thing in the world. Angry sex can be pretty damn awesome. Period.
12) Again, people can change. They can become more attentive, respectful of privacy, they can love deeper and they can embrace decency. They can evolve. They can learn to focus, even while wheezing and groaning like an animal. They can learn to be the best lovers they can – if they truly love their partner.
Technology is wonderful. (It’s brought us together, right?) But in the end, it’s the human touch that brings the greatest satisfaction. Not that devices like the Sybian aren’t great for those moments when the human touch isn’t available. In fact, there are many individuals out there who are living more fulfilling, richer lives because of technological advancements like the Sybian.
So let’s hear for tech.
See you in the lobby, friends…