Sexual Dynamics As Interpeted By The Hook, Nad (Not a doctor.)

Sexual intercourse is a big part of my life; not only am I a red-blooded Canadian male, as a bellman I hear more people having sex than the sound guy on a porn shoot.

Perhaps, I should have said, “porn set”? Nah, why waste a perfectly good joke, right? The point is, barely a day goes by where sex hasn’t had some sort of impact on me. Sometimes I’m merely viewing or hearing others engage in coitus, sometimes I’m involved in the coitus.

To be perfectly honest, most of the time it’s the former.

Reflecting on the subject of the Beast With Two Backs has led me to an inescapable conclusion.

Sex is weird.

To clarify, I’m not referring to sex that involves food, animals, a variety of toys or even restraints. No, I’m referring o the act itself. Think about it for a moment. (Join me in my waking nightmare). The act itself, even when executed properly and with precision, resembles a clumsy mass of flailing limbs, shuddering torsos and heads bouncing about to a soundtrack of grunts, moans and pleas to a deity most people don’t even truly believe in.

To an alien we must look like we’re attempting to fuse ourselves together into a single being. Which, come to think of it, is a pretty apt description.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the act of lovemaking. (If they had competition called, “Canada’s Horniest Bellman” I’d win that sucker without breaking a sweat. Well, okay I’d probably break a sweat, but you get the point, right?) But on the face of it, fornication is a weird trip, man.

I’ve seen guests so consumed by their randy nature they can’t even wait to get to their room before pouncing on one another. It boggles the mind. They most likely don’t even understand it themselves.

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Then again, they’re too busy trying to have intercourse to spare the blood to their brains to think about it. Some guests will do it pretty much anywhere, as evidenced by the following list:

  • Cars parked in the hotel’s garage. (Even if they don’t own the vehicle in question.)
  • In stairwells.
  • On top of other guests.
  • Bathrooms of either gender.
  • Handicapped bathrooms. (Actually not a bad choice when you consider all the bracing bars and locks.)
  • The folding table in the hotel’s laundry.
  • In guest elevators.
  • In service elevators.
  • In dumb waiters. (Little people can be horny and stupid too.)
  • On top of various pieces of hotel equipment in the aforementioned laundry room, the kitchens, maid’s closets, outdoor maintenance sheds, storage rooms and even on top of lobby furniture – and not necessarily when the lobby is deserted.

Yes, when properly motivated, horny traveling devils will tuck logic and reason away and behave like animals in heat, regardless of the time and place.

I’ve served more than one guest whose sexual appetite is their excuse for slipping out of the bonds of marriage to rendezvous with their lovers in Niagara Falls.

Some guests are so blinded by their lust they don’t have time to engage in illicit affairs that involve trivial matters such as meaningful conversation or emotional ties, and so they hire companions to jump up and down on them. As long as mankind is horny hookers will never be out of favor.

Don’t get the wrong idea, though, married folk can also be slaves to their hormones but remain faithful to their spouse. I’ve seen married guests leave their newborns in the care of their toddlers just so they can shower together. There are many people who travel with their older parents with the agenda of repurposing Grandma and Grandpa as babysitters in order to fulfill a biological agenda. Some couples will even ask hotel staff to watch their rugrats so they can achieve multiple traveling orgasms.

But fair warning: I don’t work cheap.

I’ve seen guests check-in on Friday, get married on Saturday and leave in separate vehicles on Sunday. In one case the groom left in handcuffs with a police “escort”. In another, the bride went completely UFC on the groom’s mother. And in one particularly memorable instance, the entire wedding party took on a bunch of Bostonian parents who wandered into the ballroom after consuming far too many “Cokes”. 

In short, even when we’re traveling, humans are slaves to our baser urges. The quest for the all-mighty orgasm can reduce any of us to a quivering, heavy-breathing mass of human sex machine at any time. 

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. As I’ve already said, I’m hardly a prude; I’ve even viewed an adult film or two in my time.

You don’t realize this, but I had to actually pause after I wrote that, just in case I was struck by divine lightning. Which I wasn’t. So there.

Bottom Line: sex drives much of what we do with our time while on this plane of existence, especially when we’re traveling. As a blogging bellman this fascinates me and always will. In other words, we’ll be revisiting this topic eventually so I hope my musings haven’t bored you to tears, because there’s more to come.

And yes, I meant to do that.

See you in the lobby – and the stairwells and bathrooms – folks…

goodluckchuck-inbed-jessicaalba-movie-screencap-sittingup-d1ecd629ad1d26cdb5367f7cd8c28e47_hDon’t feel bad, Jessica Alba, I’m sure everyone’s confused right now…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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21 Responses to Sexual Dynamics As Interpeted By The Hook, Nad (Not a doctor.)

  1. Tara says:

    Wait – your hotel actually has a dumb waiter?
    And, I will admit to an alternate agenda while traveling with the hubs this weekend to a bowling tournament (insert any balls joke you like here).

  2. Paul says:

    Hook, I believe you are observing a special case. Much as mass and weight are the same here on Earth, this is an exception – albeit the only one we know – that is not so anywhere else in the universe.

    You see, when I trucked for a living I met a lot of people and in my case about half were folks who were at “home” and half were “away”. This allowed me a basis for comparison in the sexuality department. And I gotta tell you Hook, those who were “away” were hornier than hell – and those who were “home” were subdued. I pondered this and have a tentative theory – and it fits well with evolution.

    At “home” your tribe protects and feeds you – so it is critical to maintain smooth and calm relationships – which means no screwing around, choose a partner and stay or suffer the wrath of the group. When away, there is no such restraint – in fact pleasing others sexually gains friends and builds relationships fast. Perhaps not stable relationships, but that is of no concern for you will be back home before the breakdown. In addition, when tribes and towns were smaller, screwing around could create problems because many would share the same gene pool -i.e. you could end up doing it, for instance, with your fathers daughter from a tryst that you were not aware of. dangerous territory for the gene pool. However when away, any and all genes gained through sex would strengthen the gene pool upon returning home for females and spread genes wider for males – both positive from a tribe perspective and for human diversity. In fact many tribes and small towns deliberately sought sexual partners for their members from other tribes or twins. As well the sharing of genes between tribes was often the basis of peace treaties and trading relationships.

    Personally Hook, I think this behavior is programmed in our amygdalae – the part of our hind brain that contains behavior from long ago – like fight or flight, fear of fire, etc. The best way to get amorous with a woman in my world, was to ask her to take a trip in the truck – you were bound to get a sexual interaction at one point. In your case, your job is to be surrounded by people who are ALL “away” all the time you see them. When you think about that in terms of the above observations, it is amazing that they even take time out to eat. ha!

    Keep the stories coming my friend!

    • The Hook says:

      Will do, Paul.
      Thanks for the insight – and for elevating my slice of the internet.

    • Doug in Oakland says:

      Have you read Daniel Quinn’s books, Paul?

      • Paul says:

        No I haven’t Doug – what’s he say?

      • Doug in Oakland says:

        He says a lot of stuff that sounds very much like what you just said, some of my favorite reading of all time. Ishmael, The Story of B, and My Ishmael.
        I don’t mean to hijack your comment thread Mr. Hook, but I’m sort of an incorrigible nerd when it comes to Daniel Quinn and the stuff he writes about.

      • Paul says:

        Cool! Thank you.

  3. oceanswater says:

    Amazing! I would say I can’t believe much of your list of “places,” but I have to admit (not by doing) 🙂 but from hearing stories from friends… Enjoy your weekend Hook!

  4. Nice treatise on the subject Hook. I look forward to more. (reading that is)

  5. umashankar says:

    Not a blinding flash of revelation, but the way you put forth the hurly-burly of coitus, illicit and legitimate, is priceless. I remain hooked.

  6. Archon's Den says:

    I’ve done late-night security in a couple of hotels, so I know whereof you speak….uh, write, and write well. Some day I’ll send you a link to a 100-word Flash Fiction about Clifton Hill. ?Who??

    Change of subject: I just returned to reread the first blog I ever visited, and which got me started blogging too. It was BrainRants ‘Burrito Rage’, and there, among the comments, was The Hook. 🌯 Congratulations guy. Putting out quality posts for over five years. 😎

  7. Jeanne says:

    Must be a slow day for you to reminisce.

  8. Mark Myers says:

    So many great one-liners and punches I had to reread it a few times to get everything I could. The rhythm of this post drives to the climax.

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