Sexual intercourse is a big part of my life; not only am I a red-blooded Canadian male, as a bellman I hear more people having sex than the sound guy on a porn shoot.
Perhaps, I should have said, “porn set”? Nah, why waste a perfectly good joke, right? The point is, barely a day goes by where sex hasn’t had some sort of impact on me. Sometimes I’m merely viewing or hearing others engage in coitus, sometimes I’m involved in the coitus.
To be perfectly honest, most of the time it’s the former.
Reflecting on the subject of the Beast With Two Backs has led me to an inescapable conclusion.
Sex is weird.
To clarify, I’m not referring to sex that involves food, animals, a variety of toys or even restraints. No, I’m referring o the act itself. Think about it for a moment. (Join me in my waking nightmare). The act itself, even when executed properly and with precision, resembles a clumsy mass of flailing limbs, shuddering torsos and heads bouncing about to a soundtrack of grunts, moans and pleas to a deity most people don’t even truly believe in.
To an alien we must look like we’re attempting to fuse ourselves together into a single being. Which, come to think of it, is a pretty apt description.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the act of lovemaking. (If they had competition called, “Canada’s Horniest Bellman” I’d win that sucker without breaking a sweat. Well, okay I’d probably break a sweat, but you get the point, right?) But on the face of it, fornication is a weird trip, man.
I’ve seen guests so consumed by their randy nature they can’t even wait to get to their room before pouncing on one another. It boggles the mind. They most likely don’t even understand it themselves.
Then again, they’re too busy trying to have intercourse to spare the blood to their brains to think about it. Some guests will do it pretty much anywhere, as evidenced by the following list:
- Cars parked in the hotel’s garage. (Even if they don’t own the vehicle in question.)
- In stairwells.
- On top of other guests.
- Bathrooms of either gender.
- Handicapped bathrooms. (Actually not a bad choice when you consider all the bracing bars and locks.)
- The folding table in the hotel’s laundry.
- In guest elevators.
- In service elevators.
- In dumb waiters. (Little people can be horny and stupid too.)
- On top of various pieces of hotel equipment in the aforementioned laundry room, the kitchens, maid’s closets, outdoor maintenance sheds, storage rooms and even on top of lobby furniture – and not necessarily when the lobby is deserted.
Yes, when properly motivated, horny traveling devils will tuck logic and reason away and behave like animals in heat, regardless of the time and place.
I’ve served more than one guest whose sexual appetite is their excuse for slipping out of the bonds of marriage to rendezvous with their lovers in Niagara Falls.
Some guests are so blinded by their lust they don’t have time to engage in illicit affairs that involve trivial matters such as meaningful conversation or emotional ties, and so they hire companions to jump up and down on them. As long as mankind is horny hookers will never be out of favor.
Don’t get the wrong idea, though, married folk can also be slaves to their hormones but remain faithful to their spouse. I’ve seen married guests leave their newborns in the care of their toddlers just so they can shower together. There are many people who travel with their older parents with the agenda of repurposing Grandma and Grandpa as babysitters in order to fulfill a biological agenda. Some couples will even ask hotel staff to watch their rugrats so they can achieve multiple traveling orgasms.
But fair warning: I don’t work cheap.
I’ve seen guests check-in on Friday, get married on Saturday and leave in separate vehicles on Sunday. In one case the groom left in handcuffs with a police “escort”. In another, the bride went completely UFC on the groom’s mother. And in one particularly memorable instance, the entire wedding party took on a bunch of Bostonian parents who wandered into the ballroom after consuming far too many “Cokes”.
In short, even when we’re traveling, humans are slaves to our baser urges. The quest for the all-mighty orgasm can reduce any of us to a quivering, heavy-breathing mass of human sex machine at any time.
Not that I’m complaining, mind you. As I’ve already said, I’m hardly a prude; I’ve even viewed an adult film or two in my time.
You don’t realize this, but I had to actually pause after I wrote that, just in case I was struck by divine lightning. Which I wasn’t. So there.
Bottom Line: sex drives much of what we do with our time while on this plane of existence, especially when we’re traveling. As a blogging bellman this fascinates me and always will. In other words, we’ll be revisiting this topic eventually so I hope my musings haven’t bored you to tears, because there’s more to come.
And yes, I meant to do that.
See you in the lobby – and the stairwells and bathrooms – folks…