HOOK’S NOTE: We’re going to dispense with the foreplay again and get right to it. I know what you’re thinking, but as much as I love foreplay, sometimes you have to get right to the good stuff in order to save time.
He was a rather… shall we say, plump gentleman?
Aw, who am I kidding? This son of a bitch had his own orbit. But he was all right. For a lumbering redneck from the deep, deep South with a downright terrifying wife with orange hair, a few missing teeth and two definitely-inbred-but-well-behaved kids. However, he was not happy with his room, to say the least.
“This damn room smells like smoke! What the hellfire kind of joint you running, Boss? What happened here?”
My response was classic me:
“Oh, you’re referring to that brimstone smell, sir? Well, you see… we incinerate guests that complain about the room in any way. Housekeeping does their best to freshen the room afterwards but you can still smell flash-fried tourist in the air from time to time.”
The secret is to remain totally deadpan the entire time. It throws guests off their game every time.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I took the only path open to me in a case such as this. I walked over to the window, opened it and tossed the hospitality rule book out to the streets of Niagara Falls below. Metaphorically, of course; we’d have to be fools to install balconies on a hotel right across from a casino…
And how did the Redneck Guest respond to my smartassery you ask? He took a moment to process my Canadian wit and then he let loose once more.
“You’re one funny sumbitch, Boss! (Long pause.) But we’re still getting the hellfire out of this room!”
You gotta admire a man who knows what he wants, right?
See you in the lobby, kids…
Meet the hotel’s new Customer Service Department…
You've Been Hooked! 
Yikes! Remind me to not complain. Really funny Hook, I laughed out loud – a great way to start the day.
Thank You. 😀
Once again, it was my pleasure, Paul.
Brilliant comeback! But on a side note, doesn’t your place have smoking and non-smoking rooms? I always book non-smoking because I don’t want to be reminded of my clubbing days back in college.
Every room was declared non-smoking a few years back.
Ah.
Ugh… I can’t stand smoke smell. No matter what “housekeeping” tries to do to cover up the smell, I know it and it makes me gag. I usually stay in hotels that do not allow smoking in any room so I can avoid those situations. But you had a great response to his query! LOL! I really hope I get to meet you in person some day Robert! 😉
Likewise, Courtney.
Calling you Boss instead of Hoss might have been the difference between standing and laying flat. Here in Texas when somebody uses the term”friend” you can bet a knuckle sandwich is pretty soon to follow. (as in “Excuse me friend, but you’re standing on my foot.”
Good to know, John!
Always here to serve.
I wish that I had an nth of your wit. Love this.
Come on, L, you’re a cut-up!
So Hell’s Hotel has smoking rooms labeled nonsmoking, and nonsmoking rooms labeled, well hmmm, The Dante’s Inferno Suite?! Comes with incinerated guests, a smart-ass bellman, and nauseatingly pungent room freshener?! Sounds like fun! Throw in a complementary bag of charcoal briquettes and you can book me a room!
Thanks as always for the laugh, Hook! And yes, please remind me never to complain about the accommodations if you’re my bellman!
Not to worry, Larissa, if it’s you, I’ll happily listen.
What about people who want to smoke Other Things? It used to be somewhat of a thing to get a hotel room to do that in.
People still do that, Doug.
They just try to keep it low-key.