HOOK’S NOTE: We’re going to dispense with the foreplay again and get right to it. I know what you’re thinking, but as much as I love foreplay, sometimes you have to get right to the good stuff in order to save time.
He was a rather… shall we say, plump gentleman?
Aw, who am I kidding? This son of a bitch had his own orbit. But he was all right. For a lumbering redneck from the deep, deep South with a downright terrifying wife with orange hair, a few missing teeth and two definitely-inbred-but-well-behaved kids. However, he was not happy with his room, to say the least.
“This damn room smells like smoke! What the hellfire kind of joint you running, Boss? What happened here?”
My response was classic me:
“Oh, you’re referring to that brimstone smell, sir? Well, you see… we incinerate guests that complain about the room in any way. Housekeeping does their best to freshen the room afterwards but you can still smell flash-fried tourist in the air from time to time.”
The secret is to remain totally deadpan the entire time. It throws guests off their game every time.
And yes, I know what you’re thinking, but I took the only path open to me in a case such as this. I walked over to the window, opened it and tossed the hospitality rule book out to the streets of Niagara Falls below. Metaphorically, of course; we’d have to be fools to install balconies on a hotel right across from a casino…
And how did the Redneck Guest respond to my smartassery you ask? He took a moment to process my Canadian wit and then he let loose once more.
“You’re one funny sumbitch, Boss! (Long pause.) But we’re still getting the hellfire out of this room!”
You gotta admire a man who knows what he wants, right?
See you in the lobby, kids…
Meet the hotel’s new Customer Service Department…