As I’ve heard more than once, “Your foreplay could use a little work… could we just skip to the main event?”
Words to live by, kids. Let’s get right to today’s main event. Never mind calendars or the words of meteorologists, I would like to share my personal prognosticating cues.
ONE) The consistent string of warmer days – much like the cougars that have tried to mount me over the years – are right on top of us. I love the summer. Period. Sure, it gets a little humid in a bellman’s monkey suit – nothing ruins a shift like swamp butt, kids – but overall, there’s no better time to be a Niagara Falls bellman than the summer.
TWO) The older folks are beginning to retreat in droves. They’re all over the Niagara region in the winter, but summer temps keep the seniors away. Seriously, they hate summertime in Niagara Falls. One older gentleman I recently met summed it up best:
“We’ve raised our own kids and now we don’t want to spend our vacations surrounded by screaming little bastards! Plus, we can’t stand the crowds… they make us want to kill someone… and we don’t have the strength!”
To be fair, he really was too old to waste time being indirect. And by the way, he said Abe Lincoln was a very nice gentleman.
THREE) There are more heads in beds during the week. To suggest the hotel biz slows down during the winter months is like suggesting I have a bit of an attitude problem. Weekends stay busy all year round but weekdays are deader than Cruz’s Presidential campaign. But things are beginning to pick up from Monday to Friday, so summer, unlike my chances of ever getting published by The Huffington Post, can’t be far away.
FOUR) The families are returning in record numbers. Obviously, we see a lot of clans in Niagara Falls in the summertime. Everyone that can’t afford Disney or Vegas winds up here. So when I see a steady string of mini-vans during the week I know the good times are just around the corner.
FIVE) Topless young ladies are beginning to show up at the hotel. Never when I’m on duty, of course. Still, thank Heavens for warmer temperatures. Yes, I’m married, but my appreciation for a beautiful woman does not in any way diminish my love for my soulmate. Of course, she’s still going to kick my ass when she reads this.
SIX) There are fewer toothless hookers prowling the streets of Niagara. It’s well-known fact that summertime horndogs have higher standards. Don’t ask me why, as a born slacker I just scratch the surface with my research. No sense in straining myself, right?
SEVEN) The corporate A-Holes are beginning to retreat to the Fifth Level of Hell. For the most part (maybe 60%), corporate drones are lower than cockroaches when it comes to tipping and treating those of us in the hospitality biz with respect. So for the most part (maybe 80%), of me hates their guts. Fortunately, most businesses don’t hold retreats in the summer so I’m spared their wrath in the sweltering heat.
EIGHT) I’m seeing more dead squirrels on my path to work. It’s a sad fact but that doesn’t make it any less true: the summertime brings summer traffic and summer traffic is bad news for the furry residents of Niagara Falls. And it’s bad for the animals too. I don’t like seeing innards strew across the road as I travel back and forth from work. I’m funny like that.
NINE) There are more golf bags in my luggage room. The retreat of Jack Frost from Canadian streets means that golfers can start coming back to Niagara to play with their balls. Stop giggling.
TEN) My Spidey senses are tingling. Either that, or I’m having a stroke. Regardless, summer is still on its way.
BONUS SIGN) The Hornblower boats are back in the water! This attraction is as much a part of Niagara Falls as the Falls themselves. If you ever visit my nape of the woods, you have to take a Hornblower cruise. That’s an order.
And that’s it, kids. Summer’s imminent arrival means I’ll have less time to blog. On the plus side, summer’s imminent arrival means I’ll have plenty of bitchin’ tales to share.
See you in the lobby, kids…