No, I Haven’t Been Fired Yet.

Anyone with even a passing familiarity with my “work” will agree that, while I’m wearing a bellman’s uniform at least, I’m a pretty outspoken guy.

To say the least.

Well, trust me, the best/worst is yet to come.

In fact, just the other day I set a new benchmark for myself in smartassery. I was delivering luggage to a nice older couple (they said Jesus was a nice young man – for a hippie) who were not impressed with the room.

To say the least.

You see, several months ago Upper Management decided to increase our room count by taking several double-room suites and re-configuring them into two single suites. The resulting rooms are fine for a lone traveler or a couple who only plan on using the bed in the room for carnal activities – and nothing more. However, when couples find themselves in these rooms, their reaction is not pretty.

The wife was quiet but fuming. The husband was just fuming.

“This is how they treat old people? I’m pissed!”

And when I suggested he call the Front Desk or pay them a visit to discuss the matter…

“I can’t do that… I have a bad temper! I’ll start out fine… but then I’ll get so mad I’ll probably kill someone!”

His wife just sat there quietly nodding her head in agreement, as if remembering a past altercation that had a similar result. Now, most bellmen would decide the prudent thing to do would be to let the guest stew in their own juices, rather than risking making the situation worse.

But I’m not most bellmen.

So, of course, you just know I couldn’t let this one go, right? Rather than direct the guest to a manager, I decided to let my unique customer service skills take over. Sometimes you just have to play the hand you’re dealt and let the chips fall where they may. And so I did just that.

And I have to say, this might be my masterpiece.

“Just imagine, sir… if you do go to the Front Desk, snap out and actually kill someone… the cell you’d wind up in would be bigger than this room.”

As always, I’ll give you a moment to process the depth of my smartassery.

hqdefault“Were we satisfied without stay?  Let me tell you a thing or two about that pirate bellman you employ!”

All done? Good.

After the couple took a few moments to accept the fact they were dealing with the world’s most smartass bellman, they broke into raucous laughter. Which, for seniors, can be fatal. I am happy to report, however, that they both survived “being hooked” and lived to be old another day.

And I’m still a smartass.

So all is good in the world.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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22 Responses to No, I Haven’t Been Fired Yet.

  1. Tara says:

    You are surely the master! Did they get another room?

  2. Paul says:

    The hotel bastards selling such small rooms. i’ve seen that done before and it sucks. Typically a luxury hotel does not want any complaints about lack of luxury because it detracts from business. But if they have a category of rooms that are not doing well, they’ll reduce them in size, quality of fixtures, amenities, etc. And then market these sub-quality rooms on expedia and other web booking services as being in a four star hotel when,in fact,the rooms are not four star. that way they can offer them cheaper and fill them up. My Mum came to visit me a while back and booked a room at an Ottawa four star on line, When she arrived they put her in an unimproved tower where the rooms were about 2.5 star. She had stayed there before and requested a better room. They told her that was the on line rooms and if she wanted to upgrade she had to pay more to get into the renovated tower. Bastards. But they still advertised it as a four star hotel.

    Give ’em shit Hook – looks good on the company for being so evasive. Well Done.

  3. B&Bs are nothing on your hotel Hook, but the ex and I were booked into a ‘cupboard’ as we didn’t look married. The door marginally missed the bed when it was opened (had it had a luxury thick king size duvet we would probably have spent the night in the hall), and we couldn’t open the wardrobe because the bed was actually in the way. En suite facilities weren’t always available, and the shared guest bathroom could probably have been accessed though said wardrobe, the walls were that thin.

  4. davidprosser says:

    All told, this is a pretty good new benchmark. You’ll have to go a long way to improve on this one.

  5. But did they go to a manager and get a luxury room (or are those gone)? Seniors are an odd group as far as reactions are. They either go totally batshit crazy or are so laid back you need to check their breathe with a mirror. Well done smartass! (I found it funny that WordPress recognizes smartass as a real word!)

  6. Don’t ever lose that smartassery!!

  7. Being a smartass is ALWAYS better than being a dumb one… I always say!! ha ha ha! 😉

  8. HA! You confirmed that the booking agents were stinkers. Great job supporting the under dogs, Hook

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    Your smartassery is unsurpassed! Thanks for the warning about the cutbacks. Smh.

  10. curvyroads says:

    I am glad they appreciated the depth of your smart-assery, Robert! 🙂

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