Things You Should Never Say To A Niagara Falls Hooker.

Certain marketing geniuses have tried – rather unsuccessfully, it should be noted – to market Niagara Falls as a”Little Vegas” in the past.

While my hometown has two casinos, it is no Las Vegas – by any means. And by the way, that’s a good thing; the delicate balance of the Universe would be upset by more than one Sin City. However, there is one common link between Niagara Falls, Vegas and most big cities, for that matter.

That’s right, kids, hookers. All big cities have horny people in them. Some are residents while others are just visitors who can’t keep it in their pants until they get home. Many of these individuals, seemingly-immune to the charms of internet pornography, are bold enough to seek sexual satisfaction in the arms – and orifices – of individuals who don’t mind letting strangers jump up and down on them for money.

It’s the world’s oldest profession so apparently it serves society pretty well. And while I realize every hooker was once someone’s little girl, I feel no shame writing a post like this one. The world needs to laugh at itself, my friends. If it doesn’t, society will crack like a an egg.

In my eighteen years as a bellman I’ve grown accustomed to ladies of the evening (though, as longtime readers know, I prefer to call a spade a spade) and most importantly, I’ve learned what not to say to said ladies. This is an invaluable trick to master; “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” is nothing compared to an enraged hooker. They’ll cut you, man.

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This whole thing could have been avoided had Tom Roth read my blog.

So without further adieu, here are some sentences that should never escape your lips whilst conversing with a hooker.

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SUPER-BUBBLY HOOKER:  I’m Candy!

ME:  Of course you are.

Yes, I stole that comeback from the motion picture Highlander. But to be honest, I’ve been waiting my entire adult life to be in a position to legitimately use that line with an actual call girl. And yes, it was totally worth it. But you should never follow my example, kids. Not everyone is cut out to play in my league.

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 “Wow, you look pretty young to be an escort… you sure you don’t still have training wheels on your lady parts?”

No, I didn’t use that line. It came from a Bostonian goofball who was traveling with a dozen of his buddies. They were waiting for an elevator when the young lady crossed their path. I happened to be walking by when the “gentleman” lowered the bar in a most spectacular fashion.

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“You don’t take Canadian Tire money, do you?”

1297604431273_ORIGINALIf you’re not Canadian… you’re lost right now. My apologies. But if you are, you’re losing it at this moment.

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“Is it more if my husband watches? He’ll be real quiet! He can even stay in the closet if it makes you feel better!”

Trust me, hookers do not care for surprises. They may be in a business that is all about discretion, but they like to know everything about the situation they’re about to walk into. At least, the smart ones do.

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“Do you think your parents are proud of the work you’re doing? I mean, I assume you went to university.. for I don’t know, French literature or something like that? Is it paying off”

“Do you have like, a rewards card, or something? Maybe something like a ‘frequent flyer’ program?”

“So, is this a family business?”

“I bet you see a lot of ceilings and pillow cases in your line of work, right?”

“So what’s the ultimate goal? To be a porn star like Jenna Jameson?”

“Weren’t we in Sunday School together?”

“Do you do that thing where you lay naked on a table and people eat off you? Because there’s a guy at the plant who will be retiring soon and…”

And on that ultra-classy note, I’m going to wrap this mutha up with the usual parting line.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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24 Responses to Things You Should Never Say To A Niagara Falls Hooker.

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    Picking myself off the ground from laughing, and most thankful that I will never use any of these lines.Ever.

  2. shimoniac says:

    :facepalm: I’m impressed that you were able to keep the list so short. There’s got to be dozens of items. Although, my personal favourite is “MOM!?”

  3. Paul says:

    Yikes! Any one of those could result in a slap across the face. Well done Hook.

  4. davidprosser says:

    How does “Do you do a discount for cash” go down?
    Hugs

  5. In Cuba once I got the come on from a pair of identical twin hookers. Two things. One, I was with my wife. They didn’t seem too fussed. Two. They were identical twin dwarfs. Bet even you never saw that, Hook. 🙂

  6. “Little Las Vegas” Laughed at that. They use the same line for Lake Charles, Louisiana casino.

  7. A fellow Highlander fan!! YES! I knew there had to be at least ONE other person who liked Highlander! 😛

  8. Enjoyed it Hook. I’ll never say any of those things I promise.

  9. Hahahahhahaha…. You are an awesome writer, with mastery over delivering humour. LOVED IT. Satisfaction in arms and orifices! Hahahahaha….

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