BEFORE WE BEGIN: A word of caution; I am officially geeking out. I’ll try to keep it together, but no promises.
Teddy Wilson may not be the BIGGEST nerd of ’em all, but he may be the biggest nerd of ’em all.
I know what you’re thinking and A) I don’t drink and B) If my parents would have had me tested (if they could have afforded to divert funds from their key party budget; it was the Seventies, after all), it would have come out negative for any form of psychosis.
Please allow me to explain. Teddy Wilson may not be big in stature (he reminds me of the Golden Age Atom, who was pretty cool if you really think about it), but his devotion to nerd culture is unparalleled.
Sure, right now you’re thinking “But Hook, what about Chris Hardwick?” Well, I heard Hardwick has his tongue waxed, and I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust a smooth-talking nerd. Any nerd worth his salt will be more than a little geeky and tongue-tied at times. And that, my friends, is Teddy Wilson in a pint-sized nutshell.
Teddy isn’t just in touch with his inner child… he is his inner child.
I discovered some ridiculously-cool facts about Teddy while engaging in research for this post:
- I can’t afford an actual “research department”. Especially since my daughter raised her prices. (I’d cut the kid out of my will – if I had anything worth leaving her, that is.)
- Young Teddy (who inexplicably referred to himself as “Ted” back then), was a cast member on the coolest show of my wayward, misspent youth, You Can’t Do That On Television.
If you’ve never seen it, your childhood was as hollow and empty as Kris Jenner’s soul. It was a sketch-comedy program hosted by kids for kids and was a hit with rug rats in over twenty nations. “Ted” was in sixteen episodes between 1989 and 1991. The show featured an up-and-coming jagged little singer-songwriter named Alanis Morissette, and screenwriter Bill Prady, who would go onto to write and produce The Big Bang Theory.
After doing time in the children’s television universe, young Ted entered a chrysalis and emerged as Teddy, who, according to the “facts” I uncovered, went off the radar and became an international gigolo and man of mystery known as “El Pícaro”. Servicing the physical and emotional needs of global clients soon became old hat for a good ole Canadian boy from Ottawa, and in 2004 Ted became a talent booker on The Comedy Network series PopCultured, hosted by comedian Elvira Kurt. (Nope, not that Elvira.) In 2005, Wilson joined MTV Canada as a senior producer for the daily comedy talk show MTV Live.
Finally, in 2008, Shazam-like lightning struck. Teddy became a segment producer and on-air correspondent for one of the coolest networks in nerd history, Space. When InnerSpace debuted in 2009, Teddy Wilson came into his own and was made co-host of the new series, alongside Ajay Fry.
Not content to sit around on InnerSpace and interview everyone from Mark Ruffalo to the guy who tranquilizes Shatner’s hairpiece every night, Teddy has branched out.
He co-hosts Never Ever Do This At Home, where he gets to legally blow things up. He’s co-hosted Inside The Race, the digital companion series for The Amazing Race Canada. He’s been a celebrity panelist. A spy. (Wait, forget I mentioned that.) A talk-show guest. A drummer. An upwardly-mobile mammal. A writer.
If he wasn’t so nice, I’d hate the guy.
But enough of this sappy stuff! Let’s get on with the show, shall we? I racked my brain – for thirty seconds – and came up with these five kick-ass queries for young Theodore.
1) Assuming it was possible, what type of cheese would you be?
I REALLY love cheese, despite the rather disgusting and best-left-unremembered fact that it’s just basically very, very old milk.
Nonetheless, cheese is awesome and I have been known to consume unhealthy amounts of it weekly (daily). If I had to pick one cheese to actually BE, I’d certainly pick the almighty ‘Babybel.’ Why? First and foremost, ‘Babybel’ is (to my knowledge) the only fully clothed cheese, coming wrapped in a gorgeous fire engine red wax casing that is best described as a ‘cheese dress.’ It’s fun to unwrap, and it’s even more fun to eat – because it’s friggin’ delicious. And in terms of actually BEING the cheese… I don’t generally go out in public full-frontal naked, so the fact that I’d be a clothed-cheese is very appealing.
Babybel is spherical, and I’ve always wanted to exist in sphere form.
It’s mild-tasting and accessible – a gateway cheese, if you will – and I’d enjoy being a brand that gets people addicted to the wider cheese genus.
It’s French in derivation, and I love France. Hopefully, abandoning my human form in favor of living-out my remaining years as a piece of ‘Babybel’ would at some point result in a trip to France to visit the original Babybel plant – a pilgrimage to discover my roots, family history, and to learn a little bit more about myself. I would hope (nay, expect) that the Babybel Corporation would pay for this trip.
Babybel generally comes in packs containing 6 pieces. Thus, I would always have friends. CHEESE FRIENDS.
2) Who would be in your dream band?
DRUMS: Slayer’s Dave Lombardo AND Paul Bostaph. Yep, TWO DRUMMERS. Most Slayer fans have a favorite between the two players – personally, I cannot chose, and I could probably write a PhD thesis on their relative merits. So screw it, this is MY BAND, so I’m picking them both.
BASS: The Who’s John Entwistle (you did say living or dead). Entwhistle was, in my opinion, the greatest bass player in the history of Rock ‘n Roll.
GUITAR: Several. This band is going to be AWESOME.
Black Flag’s Greg Ginn. Motley Crue’s Mick Mars. Dinosaur Jr’s J Mascis.
Jawbreaker’s Blake Schwartzenbach. Deep Purple’s Ritchie Blackmore. Bad Brains’ Dr. Know.
The Yardbirds’ Jeff Beck. The Rolling Stones’ Mick Taylor. Rush’s Alex Lifeson. Fugazi’s Guy Piciotto.
Voivod’s Piggy. Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine. Descendents/ALL’s Stephen Egerton, etc….
VOCALS: A handful.
Swervedriver’s Adam Franklin. Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson. Bikini Kill’s Kathleen Hanna. F****d Up’s Damian Abraham. Black Sabbath/Dio’s Ronnie James Dio. Pantera’s Phil Anselmo. The Runaways’ Cherie Curry. Bill Haley & His Comets’ Bill Haley.
BEST BAND EVER.
3) You’ve left me in the dust (not that it’s hard to do), but are there any mountains left for Teddy Wilson to conquer?
So many. Here’s a few….
Travel to WAY more countries. I don’t care where, I love going everywhere.
Become a better guitar player. (I’m ok, but I’d like to be as good a guitarist as I am a drummer.)
Read more Isaac Asimov.
Get a Master’s Degree in International Relations. (though no idea if I’ll ever be able to find the time.)
Become a better sleeper. (I’m a life-long insomniac.)
Eat less fried stuff. Drink more wine.
Get rid of some of my stuff, or get a bigger apartment. (Sounds like Teddy needs a TARDIS.)
Bike across Holland.
4) Who would your ultimate “Big Bad Battle” would feature?
Darth Vadar & Donald Trump VS. The Hulk & WALL-E.
(Wow. I’d pay good money to see that donnybrook, wouldn’t you?)
5) What are some of your greatest nerd moments, Teddy?
In real-life: Interviewing Iron Maiden’s Bruce Dickinson, the late Ernest Borgnine, Stan Lee, Jodie Foster, KISS’s Gene Simmons, director Guillermo del Toro, journalist Anderson Cooper, Ben Kingsley, Anthony Hopkins, and the list goes on…. I’m a very, very lucky little dude.
In fiction: Seeing Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen (one of my fave comic book characters of all time, and PERFECT casting).
Seeing Rey tell Finn “stop grabbing my hand!!” as they ran from danger in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (a single moment that said so much).
The 2-part finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation (absolute perfection).
The series of twists revealed toward the end of M. Night Shayamalan’s SIGNS.
The twists revealed at the end of The Twilight Zone episodes ‘The Obsolete Man’, ‘Time Enough At Last’, ‘To Serve Man’, ‘I Shot An Arrow Into the Air’, ‘The Hitch-Hiker’, ‘Eye of the Beholder’, and about a dozen more (Twilight Zone is my favorite TV series of all time).
The moment toward the end of The Matrix when Neo masters his powers & harnesses the matrix.
When Cliff Burton’s bass melody kicks in at the beginning of Metallica’s “For Whom The Bell Tolls”.
And… so…. many…. more.
I don’t know about you, but I’m geeked out for the moment. Many thanks to Teddy Wilson for willingly subjecting himself to my “unique” interview style. I also want to thank Natalie Cole of Bell Media for helping to facilitate this personal milestone in my blogging history. You’re good people, Natalie.
See you in the lobby, kids…