How Sick Are You, Hook?

Two weeks.

Fourteen days.

Three-hundred-and thirty-six hours.

That’s how long I’ve currently been fighting – and losing horribly – an illness of unknown origin. Personally, I think I’ve been cursed by disgruntled gypsies with an axe to grind over runny eggs at breakfast. Either way, you’re looking at a man who rarely gets sick at all. And yet, I can’t shake this cold.

This cold is stuck to me like controversy on Donald Trump. My head has been fuzzier than a Wookie in the Arizona desert. My lungs have been infested with more phlegm than Kim Kardashian has cellulite. I have as much energy as a corpse.

In other words, I’m a helluva catch right now, ladies.

The question is now two-fold:

ONE:  How long can I remain in this state without finally expiring – either by sickness, my own frustrated hand or my wife’s?

TWO:  Can I at least milk a post out of this disaster?

I have no idea how much longer I’ll be sick but I know I’m too much of a coward to end my life. The wife, on the other hand, has no problem ending me – but I’ve tried not to be too much of a burden these last two weeks, so we’re not there yet. As for the possibility of a post…

Well, you’re reading it, baby. So just how sick have I been?

break

I’ve been so sick… I actually sang along to “Careless Whisper” while I was scanning the radio (yes, people still listen to radios, kids), the other day. To be fair, the power was out while our house was being rewired so I had to go old school and break out the ole zombie apocalypse wind-up radio. Fever-induced karaoke sucks, kids.

My butt was glued to the couch for four straight days during Week One of Flupocalypse 2016, that’s how sick I was. Luckily, my trusty canine sidekick, Chelsea, remained by my side – in this case, my lap – virtually the entire time. She made it next to impossible to get up whenever I felt like it, but that’s life with a pet, kids.

I’ve been so sick… the blog has slipped completely away from my list of daily priorities. Normally, I’d be a few posts ahead, but no more. And now you know where the concept of this post really came from…

My normal “drive” vanished two weeks ago – and it has yet to rear it’s head (pun intended). Granted, the wife has received a sorely-needed break from our normal routine of live-action Coyote/Road Runner pursuits around the house. Though, to be fair, a better analogy would be Pepe Le Pew and that poor cat that always seems to wind up with a stripe on her back. I haven’t even held my wife’s hand in fourteen days, never mind holding anything else….

tumblr_m1u95cp2rv1qzhhi9o1_500

I now own a controlling interest in Kleenex® Tissues. It was actually more cost-effective than continuing to buy cases of the stuff.

My family has had the pleasure of seeing me swallow Buckley’s® cough suppressing liquids, a ritual that has become legendary in our home.

  •  The wife gets out the bottle – regardless of how well I’ve hidden it – pours a generous amount and forces me to drink it down.
  •  I protest.
  •  My protests continue for about twenty minutes.
  •  I lose. (Big shock, right?)
  •  The most horrid creation known to man goes down my throat.
  •  I race to the bathroom, usually after dodging my wife who tries to block my path as she and my daughter laugh uncontrollably.
  •  I shove my head under the tap and pour copious amounts of water down my throat.
  •  I eat an apple to take the aftertaste away.
  •  “You’re never doing that to me again! I’d rather die next time… so just let me go!”

And that’s how sick I’ve been.

See you in the lobby – and the pharmacy – kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to How Sick Are You, Hook?

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope you feel better. Buckely’s sounds dreadful. The least it could do after putting you through hell is make you well…and in fewer than two weeks.

  2. shimoniac says:

    While I’m sympathetic to your suffering, I initially thought that the title referred to something else; like, your sense of humour. I lost two days of work myself to this vile bug. Hope to see you kick it soon.

  3. davidprosser says:

    If it lasts more than 48 hours it’s not a cold is what I was always told. So how’d you like to upgrade to flu or maybe bronchitis? Maybe the Buckley’s ( which sounds disgusting) won’t be any good for either of the upgrades.
    Get well soon.
    Hugs

  4. Half the UK is down with the same lurgy. Just to cheer you up, I had it about seven weeks ago and still have the cough. Have a nice day now, ya hear?

  5. Kay says:

    How awful! Even flu shots don’t protect you from all strains of the flu, only the most common ones. Heaven forbid you should have anything common. I hope you’re better soon.

  6. Oh, and by the way, cough suppressants have never been shown to be effective, so tell your wife I said for her to get off your case

  7. Paul says:

    Hmmm, Davidprosseris right Hook- a lung “infection” that lasts more than two days is not normal. You mentioned that you were having renovations done.
    Is it possible that the air has been contaminated by mold or asbestos or even just microscopic dust particles? A very common mistake that many make during renovations (and I did too until it was pointed out) is to leave the air filter in your furnace.

    It very very quickly plugs with drywall dust and dirt particles resulting in two problems:

    1) The furnace runs continually as the air is dammed in the filter and

    2) What air does circulate is so dust and dirt laden that it makes the air unbreathable without a mask.

    Pull your air filter and either leave it out or replace it. you will find that makes an incredible difference. By the way you may need a number of filters to get all the airborne particulate matter cleared up.

  8. Tara says:

    Good lord. It seems that the illnesses floating around are coming much later this year. We’ve been fairly lucky around here, while everyone else goes down around us. Until this morning when my 15-year-old woke up with a 102.4 fever and complaining of a really bad sore throat. Off to the doc’s in an hour to get him a solid diagnosis. I sincerely hope you are getting better and soon back to prognosticating more Hookisms. The blogosphere has been moving pitifully slow lately.

  9. Poor Hook! Also one for rarely being ill, when something hits, it hits hard.
    I swore by Owbridges cough medicine for years, until they banned it due to some fertility controversy or something. Then it was Venos Expectorant, the hero of the day to kick the sore throat and cough into touch………..until it was suddenly no longer available. Now back on the shelves, I bought 6 bottles (three trips, as you can only buy limited OTC drugs at a time).

    Medicinal purposes of course, Brandy and Orange Juice.

    For being able to breathe properly though, I always ended up going to bed with Vic.

    Get well soon. I see Kleenex shares have rocketed. 🙂

  10. I hear this hangs on for awhile, well, if its what’s going around in this part of the world. Wishing the best of luck for a quick reversal. Hugs.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    Cold , cough, etc. linger in wintertime. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine about 2 months from now.

  12. I hope you feel better soon. We’ve had the influenza virus going around up here and it knocks you out for about 2 weeks. You’re a strong man for taking Buckley’s…..I can’t even smell it without gagging. 😦

  13. Hope you feel better! Btw, Buckley’s comes in a pill form too… not sure if it smells like Buckley’s tastes (you know, like cod liver oil pills smell?) but it wouldn’t hurt to try- that would alleviate the protesting, the mouth-rinsing, the apple-devouring, and the general amusement being had at your expense by your family. Just saying.

  14. Fever induced karaoke and singing with the radio – at least your ears are infected and hurting, too. Apple is good…along with lots and lots of water (and yes that means lots of runs to the bathroom, but sooner it leaves the body the better.) Chicken soup, chinese soup, and protein.

    I’m with Paul to check the filters – remodeling dust can be nasty…regular inside winter air, too. If it hurts to take a big breath – go get checked immediately. Coughing is not totally bad, but it does get exhausting, Chelsea is right you need to sleep, but sitting too much can let that stuff settle in your lungs.

    My grandmother would say bundle up and find a sheltered spot in the sun outside and try to get a bit of fresh air…but you have to consider our winters are fairly mild…but they weren’t in Europe where that was a common treatment.

    If you don’t get better, get a doc.

  15. Several years ago my kid had some bubble-gum-flavored liquid antibiotic. She was REALLY balking at it, and I thought, “How bad can it be–cherry or grape or bubble-gum has to be great, right?” So I licked a little off the spoon after she (finally) took her medicine, and there was this okay taste–for a second. Then there was this aftertaste that was like a herd of Cossack horses pooping in my mouth. I’m not sure how they even did it; that drug company must have a really “twisted” R and D department. Get better, my friend.

  16. You need a doc in the box trip. Get some mighty fine meds to kick that stuff.

  17. Mrs Fever says:

    “That poor cat” would be Penelope. 🙂

  18. Ehhhh…take some of the ‘tussin (Robitussin) and slap some windex on it then wrap well with duct tape. You’ll be right as rain in no time. Or there will be gangrene and things will fall off. Permanently.

    Never said I was a doctor.

    Sorry you’re feeling poorly, my dog would lick the monitor sympathetically but since I’m already doing that she’s settled for sitting on my feet which I’m beginning to lose feeling in.

    • The Hook says:

      I hear you!
      They’re great companions but they feel like lead weights sometimes!

      • msexceptiontotherule says:

        Their weight becomes this super-heavy yet-to-be-discovered form of dark matter….small yet cannot be moved, will not yield…I’m certain that Earth’s gravity has some part in the whole process somehow. What part that is I do not know, but it’s there and it makes them soooooooooooo not move an inch. Lol.

      • The Hook says:

        Lol, indeed!

  19. You can’t be that sick. If you were really sick, you couldn’t be this funny!

  20. Allie P. says:

    Poor you! It sounds like you caught the same bug I had. Sorry to report I am still coughing a month later, though to a lesser extent.

  21. curvyroads says:

    Since I am weeks late in reading, I hope the crud is just a distant memory now!

  22. Glad your better dearest! 🙂

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