Maybe I’m being a bit premature with this declaration. I’m told that happens to men from time to time, but we’ll see.
I’ve been considering filming a “trailer” for the blog, a visual representation of what The Hook is all about.
Because, let’s face it, I won’t be happy until I’ve crashed and burned in every medium available to me.
My ponderings have led me to seek counsel from colleagues who are more adept at vlogs/films. Their opinions vary wildly but one constant can be found; I need to create something that represents who I really am and what I’m all about. In other words, I need to stay true to myself and the Code of The Hook.
The following brief exchange between myself and the world’s most bizarre cougar is a perfect example of who I am at my core.
She was the prototypical cougar: a dyed blonde with leathery skin, a toned form, garish make-up and an attitude that… well, defies description, really. Trust me, you’ll agree in a moment.
I had finished loading her belongings onto my cart (two cosmetic cases, three suitcases, four garment bags and a small cloth bag that was buzzing like a neon sign in the rain) when she decided my efforts were so extraordinary they deserved an “extra-special” reward.
CRAZY COUGE: You’ve done such an extraordinary job, Robert! I think you deserve an “extra-special” reward!
Told ya.
ME: I may be biased, but I’m inclined to agree!
Never argue with a guest – if you can avoid it, of course.
CRAZY COUGE: You’re so great… I think I should rape you!
Yes, that’s what she said.
I kid you not.
As per usual, I responded without missing a beat.
ME: Thank you, miss… but I prefer cash tips.
And that’s who I am in a nutshell, folks. I’m the guy, who, in spite of his introverted nature, can go toe-to-toe with God’s throwaways without blinking. You wouldn’t know it to look at me (I look like a narc/accountant hybrid on acid), but on my best days I have a razor-sharp-yet-wickedly-dry wit and a flair for putting people in their place without inciting them to violence.
My life is a true one-of-a-kind waking nightmare of sorts, one that I know people would enjoy watching/reading about.
If only the CBC, literary agents, publishers, The Huffington Post Canada, William Shatner, Sangita Patel and others didn’t hate my guts.
See you in the lobby, kids…
You've Been Hooked! 
Bellman with benefits! Ha!
“Full service hotel”, indeed!
Hook, baby (a little Literary Agent lingo there)…from the Leader of the World’s Dumbasses, I humbly submit this advice with my usual brilliance: Do the damn video thing! It’s easy, amigo. If you can speak with the style in which you write, you’d kill ’em. Plus you can monetize a YouTube channel and make a few bucks. You’re welcome. 😀
And this is why you’re a leader and not a soldier…
Thank you for the counsel.
OMG, wtf would have been my reply!
It crossed my mind, trust me.
Arggghhh….
Did she at least give you a cash tip after insinuating that she would totally get all rapey (does she happen to drive a rapey-looking van?)? Because I know *my* number one idea of an extra special reward is for someone to say to me “I think I should rape you!” even if I’ll have my taser out and making contact with that person’s body until they stop moving or the batteries go dead immediately thereafter to prevent actual follow through.
That’s very specific… love it.
My new friend ponied up, though it wasn’t nearly enough.
I’m 5’1″ – a person my size can easily fit in the trunk of most sedans as well as those of some compacts – the 12 gauge shotgun doesn’t fit in my purse and I’d rather not wind up in the trunk of a car.
At least you did get a cash tip, I mean since you turned down the presumed rapey offer she could have given you a religious tract or a coupon for a bookstore that went out of business…10 years ago.
Go for it, Hook! I came up with an idea a year ago about a weekly adventure vlog, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around taking the time from writing. Your idea rocks! I realize that you would post it here, but If you blow up on YouTube, people will check you out!
We’ll see, Susie.
At the moment I’m one big ball of sickness so the ideas aren’t exactly flowing – unlike my nose…
Oh, sorry to hear that. Feel better, Hook!
Oh, I agree, Hook. Do it! There are only so many Tim-Roth-in-a-bellboy’s-cap-gifs I can take… (Hahaha. Just kidding. Because you’re right: I’m not fooling anyone. I’d take gifs of Tim Roth, bellboy cap or not, all day every day.) But seriously, go all Nike on it and just do it.
PS. Seriously, she said that?!!! Wow.
Wow, indeed, Larissa.
Ditto on all the encouragement to video! Just don’t over think and over plan it – just be The Hook. (Are you going to do the “tourist” voices off screen setting up the encounters like you do here on the blog with you on screen responding in your usual flare? You can do asides to the audience as well as continuing dialogues to the “tourist”)
Could be the beginning of big things. Just have fun and it’ll be great.
Looks like everyone’s on-board with the video aspect.
We’ll see what the future holds.
kids are cutting edge of production/tech ideas…they have no qualms about telling you you are doing stuff wrong/stupid either, right? Chelsea might be cute and supportive, but your daughter could be a better advisor and producer
True.
My daughter’s brilliant.
Must be her mother’s side…
true diplomat…
(At the risk of this comment being misconstrued as x-rated) Yes, yes, yes! Do it.
Well put, Tara.
I’d have left flaming foot prints on the carpet peeling out of her room. As for the vlog thing, meh. Some thing need to be left to the imagination; or not, in the case of the cougar.
Flaming footprints?
Hilarious!
Why is this even a question? Of COURSE you should be making videos! (fully clothed).
You’re such a buzzkill, Ned…
I guess I shouldn’t talk, considering my red thong.
I would love to see it but in the end, it’s up to you. Omogosh. What she said is wrong, so wrong. Why would anyone of either gender say that? Brings back a horrible memory. Hope you feel better.
Me too!
As I type this message, I’m back at it… but I’m not half the bellman I used to be, at least not yet.
I hate the guts of the CBC, literary agents, publishers, The Huffington Post Canada, William Shatner, Sangita Patel and others … Dumbasses!
And that’s why you’re my pal, Robyn.
Thank you.
Stick with it. You’re fine. You and I don’t always agree, but I’ll give you a REALLY hard time if you become a narcissist with a selfie video habit
At least I’ve been warned…
Take that under advisement.
Alternate response: “You can’t rape the willing…” Then run like hell (which you probably couldn’t do and remain employed), so maybe yours was better.
VLOGs? Sure, I’d watch them.
You’re the best, Doug.
Code of the Hook once more upheld.Cash over coochie
Always, John.
🙂
High-larious! Unbelievable gall of some people! A video would be fun.
I think so too.
We’ll see how I feel when my head finally clears.
If it does…
You’ll never know unless you try … DO IT!
As for the Cougar … there’s a reason they’re in cages.
Well said.
I applaud your bravery. I would rather stand behind the camera than in front of it…so sure, I’d watch. Too bad you couldn’t show the crazies you deal with but then you’ld have to get permission and god knows what they would want in exchange!
Indeed!
By the way, thanks for calling me brave.
I like that.
I think you could go directly to producing a sitcom!
Is there a story behind the CBC hating your guts?
Oh, the Bellman Chronicles on video? That would be amazing. It would definitely be on my schedule for my viewing pleasure. There is far worse on TV/Netflix/etc. now. Do it!
We’ll see.
Right now, I’m still reeling from the worst cold I’ve had in years.
When I get better, though… who knows?
My theory is that these drastic weather changes from day to day really wreaks habit with our bodies. One of those temperature change colds is the worst. Feel better.
That’s crazy, man. I travel a great deal and have always tried to be very respectful of the people there to serve me. Obviously, not everyone has the same view. Hope the cold gets better.
Tim
Thanks, Tim.
Too creepy, indeed. What is wrong with people??