Like, tired through-to-my-bones tired.
They say March comes in like a lion. Everyone is familiar with that phrase, right?
But what they don’t tell you is that the lion in question will clamp its jaws down on your naughty bits and whip you around like a human chew toy.
So you can see why I only have the energy/motivation for a simple post, right?
Thanks, I knew you’d understand. Here now, are a few “pearls” of wisdom – mostly directed at parents – I’ve accumulated this week.
Alcohol is great, but only in moderation and it’s best enjoyed when little ones aren’t in your care. I’ve seen far too many drunken parents traipsing about the hotel while their progeny bounce off the walls, both figuratively and literally. These situations lead to conversations like this one:
ME: (Approaching a young couple drinking “tall boy” beers in the middle of the day while their rug rats run around like ferrets on crack.) Excuse me, folks?
YOUNG DAD: HEY! What’s up Bell Boy!
YOUNG MOM: Honey! Be respectful! He’s not a Bell Boy… He’s a valet!
ME: (Shuddering.) Actually, I’m… never mind. The thing is, folks, I know the little ones are just having fun, but you need to reign them in a bit.
YD: What’s the problem?
ME: They’ve been playing with the controls on the revolving door, which unfortunately, is a very sensitive piece of equipment that breaks down far too easily.
YM: So what? I’m sure this place can afford it!
ME: That door is worth $250,000. Actually, it’s not worth that much, but that’s how much it cost the hotel.
YD: Seriously? That’s A LOT of cash! We could buy tons of weed with that kind of money!
ME: Yes, indeed. You’d be dead in a week… but you’d have a helluva time getting there.
Both of them broke into a seemingly-endless fit of laughter before declaring me “all right”. Then their kids stopped playing with the door – and started laying with the motorized scooters in the lobby.
And I began to shudder again.
It’s vital you know the difference between a luggage cart and…
Grandma’s wheelchair is not a luggage cart. She needs it to move. She gave you life, how about you give her something other than grief?
A baby stroller is not a luggage cart. Your child deserves better than being lugged around like a sack of potatoes, doesn’t it? And besides, I’m not an engineer but I’m pretty sure most strollers are not designed to carry a hundred pounds of baggage, alcohol and sex toys.
Your room’s desk chair is most definitely not a luggage cart! This is exactly why I never say, “Now I’ve seen it all!”, kids. Because I’ll never see it all. Guests will always innovate when it comes to stupidity. The human race has pretty much reached an evolutionary standstill, but that doesn’t mean it can’t shock you to your core every now and again.
Put the phone away! Put the phone away!! Put the phone away!!! Did I mention you should put the phone away? Seriously, if you were to walk though our lobby at any given time you’d see dozens of travelers with their faces plastered to their cellular devices rather than interacting with each other.
And yes, I appreciate the irony of a blogger telling his readers to unplug, thank you very much.
But most travelers are missing the point of traveling when they engage in activities they could literally do anywhere.
Stop having sex when you call the bellman to your room! Honestly, I appreciate the sentiment – and the blog fodder – but I’d rather not stand at your temporary door while pounding away with my fist as you’re in the room pounding away with your… well, you get it, right? The bags can wait if you’re about to engage in amorous activities.
And yes, I realize “pounding away with my fist” sounds super dirty. Grow up.
All right, kids, things are heating up in the hotel. The traveling hordes are gathering in the lobby, the cars are piling up on the deck, and the bachelorettes are throwing up in garbage cans – and on each other’s shoes. Time to go.
See you in the lobby, kids…