More March Break “Wisdom”.

I’m tired.

Like, tired through-to-my-bones tired.

They say March comes in like a lion. Everyone is familiar with that phrase, right?

But what they don’t tell you is that the lion in question will clamp its jaws down on your naughty bits and whip you around like a human chew toy.

animated-lion-gif-18

So you can see why I only have the energy/motivation for a simple post, right?

Thanks, I knew you’d understand. Here now, are a few “pearls” of wisdom – mostly directed at parents – I’ve accumulated this week.

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Alcohol is great, but only in moderation and it’s best enjoyed when little ones aren’t in your care.  I’ve seen far too many drunken parents traipsing about the hotel while their progeny bounce off the walls, both figuratively and literally. These situations lead to conversations like this one:

ME:  (Approaching a young couple drinking “tall boy” beers in the middle of the day while their rug rats run around like ferrets on crack.)  Excuse me, folks?

YOUNG DAD:  HEY! What’s up Bell Boy!

YOUNG MOM:  Honey! Be respectful! He’s not a Bell Boy… He’s a valet!

ME:  (Shuddering.)  Actually, I’m… never mind. The thing is, folks, I know the little ones are just having fun, but you need to reign them in a bit.

YD:  What’s the problem?

ME:  They’ve been playing with the controls on the revolving door, which unfortunately, is a very sensitive piece of equipment that breaks down far too easily.

YM:  So what? I’m sure this place can afford it!

ME:  That door is worth $250,000. Actually, it’s not worth that much, but that’s how much it cost the hotel.

YD:  Seriously? That’s A LOT of cash! We could buy tons of weed with that kind of money!

ME:  Yes, indeed. You’d be dead in a week… but you’d have a helluva time getting there.

Both of them broke into a seemingly-endless fit of laughter before declaring me “all right”. Then their kids stopped playing with the door – and started laying with the motorized scooters in the lobby.

And I began to shudder again.

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It’s vital you know the difference between a luggage cart and…

Grandma’s wheelchair is not a luggage cart. She needs it to move. She gave you life, how about you give her something other than grief?

A baby stroller is not a luggage cart. Your child deserves better than being lugged around like a sack of potatoes, doesn’t it? And besides, I’m not an engineer but I’m pretty sure most strollers are not designed to carry a hundred pounds of baggage, alcohol and sex toys.

Your room’s desk chair is most definitely not a luggage cart! This is exactly why I never say, “Now I’ve seen it all!”, kids. Because I’ll never see it all. Guests will always innovate when it comes to stupidity. The human race has pretty much reached an evolutionary standstill, but that doesn’t mean it can’t shock you to your core every now and again.

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Put the phone away! Put the phone away!! Put the phone away!!!  Did I mention you should put the phone away? Seriously, if you were to walk though our lobby at any given time you’d see dozens of travelers with their faces plastered to their cellular devices rather than interacting with each other.

And yes, I appreciate the irony of a blogger telling his readers to unplug, thank you very much.

But most travelers are missing the point of traveling when they engage in activities they could literally do anywhere.

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Stop having sex when you call the bellman to your room!  Honestly, I appreciate the sentiment – and the blog fodder – but I’d rather not stand at your temporary door while pounding away with my fist as you’re in the room pounding away with your… well, you get it, right? The bags can wait if you’re about to engage in amorous activities.

And yes, I realize “pounding away with my fist” sounds super dirty. Grow up.

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All right, kids, things are heating up in the hotel. The traveling hordes are gathering in the lobby, the cars are piling up on the deck, and the bachelorettes are throwing up in garbage cans – and on each other’s shoes. Time to go.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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20 Responses to More March Break “Wisdom”.

  1. Tara says:

    I’m seriously trying not to imagine a lion clamping down on anyone’s naughty bits…it’s quite a visual and I’ve not finished my coffee yet. #FF 🙂 Thanks for the giggle this morning.. I’m off to my own trenches in a few hours.

  2. Paul says:

    Ha! Well said Hook. As an addendum to your comments about the baby’s carriage and grandma’s wheel chair – I was watching a TV program called Border Security and it is about Canadian border guards and the situations they encounter.

    Apparently the Seattle-Vancouver road crossing gets quite a few Americans who have taken a wrong turn and end up at Canadian customs in error – intending to visit a public park on the US side. They are processed the same as those seeking entry as they are technically on Canadian soil when they show up at the border – accidental or not. Inevitably they are armed with handguns – which are illegal here in Canada. As long as they declare those guns to the guards, they are permitted to pick them up on the way back into the states. If they do not declare and the officers just find the guns,they are arrested and imprisoned.

    One episode showed an American family with the Mom and Dad and the grandkids along for a day trip to the park. When they took a wrong turn into Canada, they declared all their guns – they had a 9 mm in the baby’s diaper bag, a 38 in the back of the baby’s carriage, a 9 mm in Grandpa’s bag and a small pistol in Grandma’s knitting bag They also had a pistol in the side pocket of each door along with extra ammunition for quick response.

    And that was for a day trip to the local park. I can’t imagine what they bring to your hotel in such a violent place as you hotel.

  3. susielindau says:

    Do you get a Spring Break? You could use a vacation in a VRBO!

  4. When my family and I have enough money to travel in the long-distant future, I plan on investing in a non-phone camera. More and more recently, I’ve taken to leaving my phone at home so I can be in the moment … and that’s when I’m around familiar sights! When I go somewhere else, I’d like to see the sights, but the temptation of the world within the phone can sometimes make it hard to see everything outside the phone.

    (Honestly, the camera will probably come well before the trip … it’s happy imagining, though!)

  5. Self-service luggage carts with 3 decent wheels and one that seems to kind of wander like a truck stop hooker’s lazy eye…doesn’t quite make the grade either. We need a Hook in every hotel and Motel in North America.

  6. OMG. It gets worser and worser. The drinking parents put me over the top

  7. Oh I burst out laughing too – dead in a week, right to the point. As for guest ‘innovating’, maybe they are actually thinking “MacGyver”?

  8. No wonder you’re tired! It’s sounds worse than babysitting Justin Bieber in Florida.

  9. curvyroads says:

    I share that tired feeling, Robert. What’s up with that, do you think? March just kicked butt? Hang in there!

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