March Break means something different when you’re under fire in the Niagara Falls hospitality trenches.
To some it’s…
To others it’s…
But to me, it’s all about the things that some would count as negatives. To your buddy, The Hook, these so-called “negatives” are blog fodder – so they’re actually epic positives. Let’s begin recounting them, shall we?
1) The sheer volume of travelers ensures my chances of clocking out with epic blog fodder increases with every guest.
2) Oblivious cougars always travel during March Break and say, “Hey! What’s with all the rug rats around here?”
3) There’s always tons of candy to be had during March Break. Candy rules.
4) I encounter guests like this:
RIHANNA WANNEBE: I took a high room so I could see pretty things!
ME: Okay, then!
Knowledge is power, kids.
We got to the room. She raced to the window, ripped open the blinds… and came fact-to-wall with her view.
RW: (Laughing – mostly.) You cracker-ass cracker! You knew about this, didn’t you? That’s why you were smiling!
ME: I’m a devil…
5) The kitchen always makes waaaay more bacon than they require during March Break. Bacon rules.
6) There’s always some clueless parent who thinks they can get away with sneaking a hooker into the room while their family is out for the day. They may be despicable human beings, but clueless parents are the “greatest”.
7) Putting thousands of tech-addicted mammals in the hotel simultaneously guarantees the building’s Wi-Fi is going to crash sooner or later. I love chaos.
8) Line-ups for the pool are worth the price of admission, as it were. Sooner or later, someone always goes off and the indoor fireworks begin.
9) Fourteen hours in the pool will make any kid look like a hyper-caffeinated lobster – and there’s always one kid (at least) who spends fourteen hours in the pool. That’s exceptional parenting for you.
10) Exceptional parenting is also on display when parents leave their babies in the lobby – to be supervised by their toddlers. (This very scene is unfolding before my eyes as I scribble these words down.)
12) The “laundry basket suitcase” is destined to make more than one appearance during March Break. It never fails to make me smile while rolling my eyes. Which, by the way, is no mean feat.
13) You can count on some lazy, obese goofball to run the scooter he doesn’t really need into:
- A wall.
- A pack of kids.
- A glass door.
- All of the above.
14) That general feeling of madness that soaks into every nook and cranny of the hotel. You can literally feel it in the cafeteria, the service elevators, the smoke pit, the empty rooms staff members hook up in… uh, never mind that last part… The point is, you can feel the tension in the air, like a summer night right before a thunderstorm hits the earth with godlike fury. I love that feeling. It makes me feel alive.
16) Culture clash. You haven’t lived until you’ve witnessed a throwdown between an Indonesian tour guide and a mom from Boston. It starts out as a simple misunderstanding – and it becomes a battle royale in a nanosecond. As long as no one gets hurt, it’s the best.
17) People that try to sneak animals into the hotel. Never mind that we’re actually pro-pet, there will always be guests who don’t pay attention when booking a room and so they feel compelled to sneak Whiskers the Tabby past “hotel security” – by shoving her under a blanket in their baby’s stroller. Good times.
18) Randy morons who decide to start having “sexual congress” right before I arrive at their door with the luggage. There’s nothing I like more than being greeted by a sweaty, half-dressed traveler who is very clearly in the mood for love.
19) The kids. The well-behaved ones, of course. Seeing the youthful gleam in their eyes ( I barely recall what that look felt like) makes me smile every time. Kids rock.
20) The kids. The not-so-well-behaved ones, I mean. Kids should be kids! If they run around like maniacs on speed, so be it! We grow up far too fast , people, I can tolerate a bit of tomfoolery. After all, it’s not my hotel…
And that’s it, folks. As of this writing, March Break has barely begun, so I may have more to say in the future. We’ll see, won’t we?
See you in the lobby, kids…