Sometimes Bits ‘n Bites Are All I Get.

A bellman truly is a fly on the wall – that often gets swatted away far too soon.

No wonder my ears are always ringing…

At any rate, today’s glorious ode to life in the hospitality trenches and virtual literature in general is short and sweet. But there’s a good reason for that. You see, contrary to popular lore, The Hook isn’t actually a half-pirate, half-ninja hybrid a bunch of unaccredited scientists cooked up in a basement lab after doing a whole mess of mushrooms in the Seventies.

Though one can’t rule out the possibility of hallucinogens playing a vital role in my conception. It was the Seventies after all.

My point is, there are times I find myself on the cusp of the action rather in the thick of it (not unlike my honeymoon, sadly). Still, even when I only manage to snatch a snippet of a conversation between guests, I stand a good chance of striking gold. Like when I’m in one of the guest elevators, standing behind a young, newly-minted couple from Boston who apparently haven’t learned that you don’t necessarily need to tell your partner every detail of your life, at least not right away…

CHERYL:  (A small-but-mighty, rail-thin brunette who was nervously fidgeting in a moving metal box.)  I just can’t believe you did her, Mark!

MARK:  (Naturally. A large stereotypical Bostonian male who obviously loved his beer and sports.)  Seriously, we have to do this now, Cheryl?

They both looked back at me. I quickly looked away, as if lost in thought (like that would ever happen), so as to put their frazzled minds at ease.

CHERYL:  Yes, we do! And can you blame me?

MARK:  Yeah… I guess not. But it was before we were a serious thing… and it’s actually not that bad!


Yes, the elevator actually shook with her fury. Way to go, Mark. Women love it when you refer to your relationship as a “serious thing”. And they really love it when they realize you’ve had coitus with your step-mother.

8d566a95-8f26-4ab8-a5de-aa8f196ffb80_lowLet’s assume that Mark’s stepmom was a sane version of Demi Moore.

As you would imagine, I had little choice but to intervene. Unfortunately, their stop arrived just as was about to wade into truly treacherous waters. Cheryl exited the still-vibrating metal can of chaos in a flash. Mark followed but looked back at me and began to chuckle as I shot him a hearty thumbs-up. Cheryl was not amused when her ears caught wind of her beau’s (though not for much longer, I wager) laughter.

Sorry, buddy.

And that’s all I can offer for today, I’m afraid. I’m sure I’ll have a more in-depth “report” for you soon. After all, the hotel biz never disappoints, does it?

See you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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24 Responses to Sometimes Bits ‘n Bites Are All I Get.

  1. davidprosser says:

    If you decide writing a book isn’t worth the hassle, perhaps Blackmail would be a paying sideline.

  2. Paul says:

    Bwahaha! In small towns (even some without banjo playing savants who make your hair stand on end) in rural areas where historically muscle power was required to survive (on say a farm) it is not uncommon for bloodlines to cross like that. I had a girlfriend in rural Maine whose father passed away and her Mother married her father;s uncle. This made Grace’s uncle her step father and suddenly related her to hundreds of others because her uncle had been previously married. Then there is GSA – Genetic Sexual Attraction. This seriously complicates things when those who are genetically related feel a sexual attraction for each other. Yikes! When the choices are limited by a low population (or knowledge of only a small sub-population), often genetic lines will cross for survival purposes. For instance to survive a scathing encounter with the Bellman, it may be necessary to have sex with your step-mother. Bwahahaha!

    As an aside Hook, Blog Woman!!! posted Part 1 of a two part series of mine this morning at if you have the time and desire, I would be honored if you dropped by for a read. Thank you.

  3. I love the eavesdropping side of the hospitality industry. So much material.

  4. Heheheheheh…I’ve missed this. I can’t figure out why I haven’t been seeing your stuff.

  5. The Oracle says:

    I love a good eavesdropping opportunity! Especially if they are talking about me!

  6. Lmbooo..hallucinogens played a part on your conception huh? Man i love your posts

  7. umashankar says:

    That fly on the wall might get swatted too soon but the damage will have been done…

  8. “their stop arrived just as was about to wade into truly treacherous waters. ” Sometimes the Universe saves you from yourself? HA HA

  9. I think you’ve earned the right to morph into an actual fly on the wall. After a certain amount of years of service it should be mandatory. A small set of golden wings on your lapel and poof … “hey, where did he go?”

  10. curvyroads says:

    Your experiences never disappoint, Robert! Omg!

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