The Hook – In A Nutshell Post.

Be forewarned, gentle readers, this post shoots straight from the hip.

There will be no long, wind-baggy rants before we get to the point. I’m not interested in replicating the brilliance of, “It was the best of times,” and all that literary jazz. The point will come up upon you faster than that disappointing sexual encounter, you know the one I mean. I’m referring to the one that stands above all others for no other reason than the fact that it was over before anyone could breathlessly scream, “Surrender, Dorothy!”, or whatever it is people scream these days while in the throes of passion.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. The answer is no, I am not on any medications nor have I stopped taking any. This is all me, kids. In fact, this guest encounter perfectly illustrates what The Hook is all about. Namely, the pursuit of that perfect guest burn that can be executed without any consequences whatsoever.

Such an opportunity presented itself during a recent Sunday morning check-out frenzy.

The guest in question was a ridiculously-tall white man much like myself, but without my charm, wit and general smart-assery. His girlfriend, on the other hand, was tiny enough to fit into a child’s suitcase – but her voice was powerful enough to make a grizzly bear run the other way.


Yep. She was wonderful. He was equally rough around the edges, sort of like a cabinet built by Stevie Wonder – if he used a butter knife as his sole tool.

Lovely imagery, right?

“Hey, Boss, can you take our shit downstairs and wait for us? The girlfriend’s still horny, know what I’m sayin’?”

I was momentarily stunned. or at least I appeared to be.

ROUGH GUY:  Hey, you okay, Boss?

ME:  Oh yes, sir! I was just remembering what my life was like before you said that. Those were good times…

ROUGH GUY:  Ha! You’re something else, Boss! See you down there in a bit.

Sure enough, these putzes kept me waiting as the calls piled up. Finally, Steve and Edie (I’m dating myself, I know), showed up – and had me take their bags halfway across the property to the second floor of the parking garage. When we arrived, Rough Guy pulled out a few twenties from his back pocket.

Which he quickly hid away.

I hate when that happens.

Then he went looking in his wallet for bills – but all he found were American ten dollar bills, which he was unwilling to part with or even acknowledge, apparently.

“I can’t find anything smaller than a twenty, Boss! Oh wait… here’s a dollar!”

It was at that moment, as I was contemplating a suitable response, that Fate stepped in.

ROUGH GIRL:  (Attempting to start their pick-up truck.)  HEY, BABE!  THE ENGINE’S DEAD AGAIN!

And there it was, my opportunity.

ROUGH GUY:  Hey. Boss! Can you help me out?

ME:  Not for a dollar, sir.

And then I walked away.

POSTSCRIPT:  I’m not totally heartless, so I let the Valet guys – who happen to have a portable battery charger – know about the Rough Couple.


This is a perfect time to remind everyone that I once won a company-wide  customer service award. Yes, it’s true. Just let that sink in, people.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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45 Responses to The Hook – In A Nutshell Post.

  1. davidprosser says:

    A not undeserved reminder that Bellmen are human too.I should like to have seen his face at your rejoinder though. I’m sure it would have been mouth open.

  2. Paul says:

    Ha! Too funny Hook.

  3. When I logged in, I thought, “I hope there is a post from The Hook.” And there was! You never disappoint, my friend! You should not help anyone like that for a dollar. Ever.

    I’m glad you walked away.

  4. My, my, my… I LOVE when Fate intervenes. And well played my friend. Anything more (or is it less? I’m groggy this morning), and I’d have been disappointed.

  5. Happy Birthday – one day late!!

  6. I love it. Your imagery makes us feel like we are right there with u

  7. Send in the valet! He needs a dollar, too. Funny.

  8. Oh, that’s awesome: “not for a dollar.”!! Love it.

  9. This made me larf. Archetypal Hook

  10. At least they don’t do quarters anymore.

  11. Allie P. says:

    The part that always amazes me is that the people who do and say these sort of things think they are being completely reasonable.

  12. People like rough guy and his girlfriend are the reasons I have been lobbying to get a license to shoot stupid.

  13. JMC813 says:

    If you had a dollar for every time some ass hat or genius jack donkey called it a “Cart Thingy” you wouldn’t need tips Hook. And the Cart Thingy needs oversized pneumatic tires with interesting tread patterns for when there is just no other option than to run them down in the middle of the lobby with a metric ton of their mismatched crap on said “Cart Thingy” LMAO.

    So….do you think if I worked there I might be in the running for a customer service award as well? It would look good on the wall right in the middle of all the shits I do not give. LOL.

  14. Shared this slice of life with the husband and son while we were eating dinner at a restaurant tonight. When I got to the part where you said, “Not for a dollar, sir” they burst out laughing. Totally cracked them up. Thank you for giving us that shared moment – thank you for the best laugh of the day. You have three new fans.

  15. Karma is just gorgeous when she’s on your side. God, I love that bitch!

  16. Mark Myers says:

    Haha. That’s funny. Always tip. Always! You just never know when you’ll be on the other side.

  17. curvyroads says:

    They totally deserved it! 🙂

  18. shimoniac says:

    Bwa ha ha haha. Perfect. I bet you didn’t call Valet Services for Tightass’ convenience, you did it so that you could get the cheap-oes off prem and maybe some genuinely generous guests in.

  19. Oh.Em.Gee….I can’t believe some people.
    And YES–I totally believe you’ve won a customer service award. I bet your guests love you!

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