So You Wanna Book An Orgy…

In the hospitality game one question reigns supreme: How do we get heads in beds?

That’s what it’s all about, after all, especially when you have over a thousand rooms to fill three-hundred-and-sixty-five days a year. Hoteliers may say otherwise, but their primary concern is ensuring those beds have bodies in ’em – warm or not. Seriously, if someone wanted to pay good money to store dead hookers in rooms… most hoteliers would do it.

They don’t care about your past.

They don’t care about your present.

They certainly don’t care about your future – unless that future has to do with booking rooms, that is.

So when I met a group of young ladies who were ridiculously-forthright about their intentions for their future booking, I didn’t bat a middle-aged eyelash.

“We need two big rooms for an orgy!”

Their enthusiasm was infectious. Which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense. Part of my job as a bellman is to show rooms to prospective guests who are on the fence, a duty that, in this crowded hotel landscape, has become more vital than ever. And so I knew how important it was to ensure that these horny female devils book their party with us. Wouldn’t want that orgy money going to a Marriott, now would we?

And yes, I considered the possibility the ladies were just having fun with me in an attempt to get my goat. But who cares? I’m certainly not one to back away from a challenge.

ORGY GIRL #1:  (A little blonde waif who looked like her last meal was in the womb.)  Is it strange that we told you what we’re booking the room for?

ME:  Not at all! Take the strange out of my life… and I’d have no life.

ORGY GIRL #2:  (A ginger Rebel Wilson, with a Boston accent.)  Do many people book orgies here?

ME:  Well, to be honest, most people play their cards pretty close to their vest –

ORGY GIRLS #2 – 4:  (Simultaneously.)  What’s that mean?

ME:  Let me rephrase that. (While cursing the modern educational system.) Most people don’t let you know their plans, but some do. For example, we once had a guest tell us he was booking a room for an adult film shoot –

ORGY GIRL #1:  Cool!

ME:  Thought you’d like that… we also had an incident where the RCMP booked a room right beside a suite they suspected was being used by drug dealers. The only problem was, the Front Desk ended up moving the alleged dealers in order to give their room to a regular guest who wanted a better view! Boy, were the Feds ever steamed…

ORGY GIRL: #3:  (A Persian princess. These girls were certainly diversified, weren’t they?)  I bet you have a lot of stories! You should write a book!

ME:  I tried that. Didn’t take. So, do you ladies have any other questions?

ORGY GIRL #1:  (Her enthusiasm actually grew to epic proportions, something I honestly didn’t think was possible without her bursting into flames.) I think we’re good! Now we just have to pick the perfect food, music and such.

ME:  Myself, I would think anything that isn’t gassy would be fine as far as food is concerned.

ORGY GIRL #4:  (Another blonde, but taller with what appeared to be a medically-enhanced-to-the-extreme chest. The girl really was a human flotation device.)  What’s wrong with gassy food?

ORGY GIRL #2:  Gassy food will make you fart during sex, you dumb ho!

ME:  Easy, ladies…

ORGY GIRL #4:  Take that back… I’m not dumb!

Weren’t these lasses an absolute delight?

ME:  Let’s move on, shall we?

ORGY GIRL #1:  Good idea! These chicks are cray-cray! What about music, Robert?

ME:  Well, you can scratch “Our Lips Are Sealed” by the The Go-Go’s off the list…

Obviously, it took them a moment, but once they caught on… all heck broke loose. They laughed so hard I’m surprised at least one of them didn’t hyper-ventilate and pass out.

ORGY GIRL #3:  Okay, I think we’re good! Any more of Robert and we’re going to die!

ORGY GIRL: #2:  I bet that’s what she said!

Told you they were delightful.

See you in the lobby, kids…

TheGoGos

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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30 Responses to So You Wanna Book An Orgy…

  1. Paul says:

    Ahhh, your genius is finally getting recognition Hook. Now You just have to work on the demographic – although perhaps adding audience and keeping the one you currently attract might be to your advantage. Here are some potential customers who might like to party:

  2. “Their enthusiasm was infectious. Which, in retrospect, makes perfect sense.” (Wow what a line to grab readers)
    Difficult to top Paul’s comment. Senseless even to try.

  3. susielindau says:

    That is so funny how the dealers were moved. And the girls? Well, they were taking fun to a whole new level. Whoa…You sure know how to handle the crazies. 🙂

  4. List of X says:

    As a small consolation for the feds, although they didn’t get to watch the drug deals, they probably got to watch an orgy instead.

  5. umashankar says:

    All right! Now I know why your blog is called that! Thank you for the riproarious fun.

  6. I lost it at the human flotation device lmbo

  7. charflew23 says:

    If patience is a virtue you are very virtuous! Laugh maker in the house (that’s why I like your blog !)

  8. Lol – not that is something I have never experienced at the lodge!!

  9. pegoleg says:

    I bet they really WERE trying to get your goat. Sounds like that kind of livestock would fit in perfectly with their plans.

  10. curvyroads says:

    Oh. Em. Gee. Dumb doesn’t cover it, but at least, they were appreciative of your wit!

  11. I don’t know why but I just love when your guests get your stuff and come back with comments like
    “I bet that’s what she said!” Shows they just might be a lot of fun.

  12. Wow. I will NEVER, and I mean NEVER, be able to look at Belinda Carlisle or listen to that Go-Go’s song the same way again – or without thinking of your post, Hook.
    Nor will I ever be able to enter a hotel room from now on without thinking, “If these walls could talk …”

  13. Doug in Oakland says:

    Here’s hoping that their enthusiasm was the only infectious item in this scenario…

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