Can you believe there are people who still harbor some misconceptions about The Hook? I mean, about me?
I almost went all, “Jimmy likes Elaine!” for a moment there…
At any rate, some people still think:
- I’m not actually as outspoken at work as I’ve led them to believe.
- Guests aren’t as outspoken as I’ve led them to believe.
- I’m making some of this stuff up.
I’ll admit, I’ve stretched the truth once or twice in my lifetime – but that was only when I was in high school. And besides, what’s a few inches and a few embellished encounters between myself and every girl I ever asked out?
Now that I’m all grown up (shut up), I no longer need to lie. My life is stranger than fiction, to say the least.
Still don’t believe me?
A Typical Call At The Bell Desk. (I Swear.)
I’m going to call this young lady, “Virginia”. Irony rules, doesn’t it? Virginia’s voice appeared to belong to someone who just escaped the womb – and discovered the Kardashians.
ME: Bell Desk, Robert speaking. How may I help you?
Yeah, I’m a real rebel on the telephonic device, aren’t I? The chicks go wild.
VIRGINIA: Uh… I need my bags, but I lost the little… what do you call it? Oh yeah… the taggie! I mean… the tag thingie… I think.
Personally, I blame the modern educational system. And moms who drink Drano during pregnancy.
ME: Well, if you can describe the items on your… cart thingie.. I can locate it and deliver it to you.
VIRGINIA: That’d be great!
Seconds became a minutes.
ME: Whenever you’re ready, miss…
VIRGINIA: I’m always ready!
ME: Of that I have no doubt.
ME: Never mind. Can you describe the items on your cart?
VIRGINIA: Uh… a black suitcase!
On an average day, hundreds of black suitcases flow through our back room. Believe it or not, this was an average day. In my life at least.
ME: Great! But does any one item stand out?
VIRGINIA: Well… one bag may be… making noise… Know what I mean, sweetie?
Sadly, I knew exactly what she meant.
ME: By “making noise”, do you mean humming? Like a toothbrush?
ME: But nothing like a toothbrush?
VIRGINIA: Yeah! You probably think I’m a freak or something, right?
Why do people ask questions they really don’t want answers to?
ME: Not at all! In fact, it’s actually quite normal these days. I assume you’re traveling alone?
I know what you’re thinking,,, but what the hell? We were down the rabbit hole anyway. So to speak.
VIRGINIA: No, my boyfriend’s here!
I was surprised… but not that much.
ME: Oh! Well, I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a little back-up…
VIRGINIA: Oh, it’s actually pretty big! I’ve hurt myself with it!
ME: Okay! Not sure where we go from here…
And that brought Virginia back to earth.
VIRGINIA: (Giggling uncontrollably.) Did I go too far?
ME: Not in this hotel! Or with me!
VIRGINIA: Oh good!
And so I located and delivered Virginia’s humming suitcase. (It really was humming up a storm. I bet she chipped a tooth.) She was a pretty girl; not Bea Arthur pretty, but not bad. Her boyfriend was equally unremarkable. Come to think of it, the story loses steam at this point.
Forget I mentioned anything after “Oh good!”…
See you in the lobby, kids…