“Sure You’re Not Making This Stuff Up, Hook?”

Can you believe there are people who still harbor some misconceptions about The Hook? I mean, about me?

I almost went all, “Jimmy likes Elaine!” for a moment there…


At any rate, some people still think:

  1.   I’m not actually as outspoken at work as I’ve led them to believe.
  2.   Guests aren’t as outspoken as I’ve led them to believe.
  3.   I’m making some of this stuff up.

I’ll admit, I’ve stretched the truth once or twice in my lifetime – but that was only when I was in high school. And besides, what’s a few inches and a few embellished encounters between myself and every girl I ever asked out?

Now that I’m all grown up (shut up), I no longer need to lie. My life is stranger than fiction, to say the least.

Still don’t believe me?

A Typical Call At The Bell Desk.  (I Swear.)

I’m going to call this young lady, “Virginia”. Irony rules, doesn’t it? Virginia’s voice appeared to belong to someone who just escaped the womb – and discovered the Kardashians.

ME:  Bell Desk, Robert speaking. How may I help you?

Yeah, I’m a real rebel on the telephonic device, aren’t I? The chicks go wild.

VIRGINIA:  Uh… I need my bags, but I lost the little… what do you call it? Oh yeah… the taggie! I mean… the tag thingie… I think.

Personally, I blame the modern educational system. And moms who drink Drano during pregnancy.

ME:  Well, if you can describe the items on your… cart thingie.. I can locate it and deliver it to you.

VIRGINIA:  That’d be great!

Seconds became a minutes.

ME:  Whenever you’re ready, miss…

VIRGINIA:  I’m always ready!


ME:  Of that I have no doubt.


ME:  Never mind. Can you describe the items on your cart?

VIRGINIA:  Uh… a black suitcase!

On an average day, hundreds of black suitcases flow through our back room. Believe it or not, this was an average day. In my life at least.


ME:  Great! But does any one item stand out?

VIRGINIA:  Well… one bag may be… making noise… Know what I mean, sweetie?

Sadly, I knew exactly what she meant.

ME:  By “making noise”, do you mean humming? Like a toothbrush?


ME:  But nothing like a toothbrush?

VIRGINIA:  Yeah! You probably think I’m a freak or something, right?

Why do people ask questions they really don’t want answers to?

ME:  Not at all! In fact, it’s actually quite normal these days. I assume you’re traveling alone?

I know what you’re thinking,,, but what the hell? We were down the rabbit hole anyway. So to speak.

VIRGINIA:  No, my boyfriend’s here!

I was surprised… but not that much.

ME:  Oh! Well, I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a little back-up…

VIRGINIA:  Oh, it’s actually pretty big! I’ve hurt myself with it!

ME:  Okay! Not sure where we go from here…

And that brought Virginia back to earth.

VIRGINIA:  (Giggling uncontrollably.)  Did I go too far?

ME:  Not in this hotel! Or with me!

VIRGINIA:  Oh good!

And so I located and delivered Virginia’s humming suitcase. (It really was humming up a storm. I bet she chipped a tooth.)  She was a pretty girl; not Bea Arthur pretty, but not bad. Her boyfriend was equally unremarkable. Come to think of it, the story loses steam at this point.

Forget I mentioned anything after “Oh good!”…

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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36 Responses to “Sure You’re Not Making This Stuff Up, Hook?”

  1. Paul says:

    Wild Hook, just wild. The picture of your back room is amazing – I guess it never occurred to me that luggage and owners would ever be separated – mostly because I have seldom stayed at such a storied establishment as yours. They must take on the characteristics of a small city all within one building. So cool – keep posting, I have great fun reading about your escapades.

  2. Truth is always stranger than fiction. I have never doubted you for a second. Keep ’em coming! (er, the stories, I mean)

  3. Allie P. says:

    It’s the black bag with the silver pulley thingy. Oh, and it has wheels on the bottom.

    I am rather impressed that you were able to find it in that crowd even with the added humming description. I hope she tipped you.

  4. shimoniac says:

    I never believe that you make things up. The stuff you relate is too weird to be fake. You might exaggerate to sell a story, but what you tell is too strange to be lies.

  5. You handled that situation beautifully.

  6. susielindau says:

    I believe in the Hook.

  7. I will always believe you, Hook!
    I’ve worked in a hospital ICU before – truth is always stranger than fiction!!

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    I’ve never doubted you for a second. Lol, she is a genius for not turning her dido off. She should think about using it as a GPS.

  9. Only one word for anyone who would question your veracity if they had bothered to read for any reasonable period – dumbassery. Plain and simple.

    Come to think of it, that’s what I call the CBC and any other show producers who haven’t looked you up yet – pure, unadulterated dumbasses.

  10. charflew23 says:

    Oh this is the humble side of Hook weeeeeeeeee

  11. I loved that “forget I said anything past Oh Good.”

  12. Yes, Virginia, there is a Bellman named Hook who is hysterical and will use your lack of the English language and love for all things buzzing to make us laugh. ( I hope you realize that was a spoof on “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause”

  13. “Taggie thingie”
    Company scripts are the source of much humor for employees with a sense of mirth and satire.

  14. curvyroads says:

    I never doubt you, Robert. 🙂

  15. Truth is always stranger than fiction. Thank god for lost humming thing finders. 😉

  16. stuckinscared says:

    hahahaha… you couldn’t make it up 😉

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