The Hook’s Aluminum Rules of Travel: Part Three.

And now… on with the show!

Six)  For Dog’s sake, don’t fight with your spouse/partner/random hook-up.

Yes, traveling can be as stressful and as uncomfortable as watching a dirty movie with your mother-in-law, but directing your frustration at your partner is as much a cliché as cutting a young lady’s bra off with wire cutters after finding yourself outmatched by a series of hooks and snaps that would stymie Houdini himself.

What’s that? That’s never happened to anyone else? Ever? Damn. I told Jessica Toffalo it was a time-honored high school tradition to let a young man feel you up and snip the brand-spanking new fifty-dollar bra your mother bought from your young, quivering form. My bad.

550x298_leighton-meester-fearless-in-revealing-lack-of-support-from-old-record-label-1433You can see why I was distracted and lost control of my coordination, right?

Getting back to you, its important to remember that females – and many sensitive males – take trips away together very seriously. If a battle erupts – and it will – go out of your way to end that fight. Quick.



Admit you’re responsible for all the world’s problems.

Do whatever you have to or I swear, you’ll be hearing, “This is just like that fight we had while on we were in Niagara Falls!” for the rest of your life.


Five)  Never forget to stay focused on the task at hand: 

“You made it all the way to Niagara Falls from North Dakota and yet, “Go to the end of the hall and turn left” stumped you?  Those were my words of condemnation to a family of six who were so busy yakking during check-in they became hopelessly lost a mere three minutes after arriving in Niagara Falls.  It took them thirty minutes to make it from the Valet Deck to the guest elevators leading to their room on the 20th floor.

Focus is everything, people.


Four)  Always remember to consider the feelings and needs of your traveling companions:

If Mom was the Lord’s prom date, you may want to reconsider your choice of destination. (If I just lost you, bear with me.)  Did Mom spend 56 hours in labor and have to be brought back from the Great Beyond five times with crude medical instruments and lightning (remember she’s that old), only for you to take her to the Frozen North? In January?

In other words, balance your selfishness with the needs – and limits – of others.

Don’t push grandparents or other golden age companions past their limits. The same goes for the wee ones; keep them fed (hungry kids are annoying – to you and others), keep them hydrated and whatever you do, never fall for the “We’ll run them all day and then they’ll sleep all night” plan. Trust me, all you’ll wind up with is cranky, overtired little demons even an exorcist is powerless against.

breakThat’s all for now, but take heart, the end is near.

See you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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11 Responses to The Hook’s Aluminum Rules of Travel: Part Three.

  1. davidprosser says:

    These should be inscribed on stone and brought down from a mountain for effect.

  2. You tell it! I wish more people would listen.

  3. Hook, do you recollect my adverb ‘ophelia’ about an unscuccessful attempt to get into a girl’s bra? I should have had some wirecutters

  4. List of X says:

    That family that drove from North Dakota and got lost on the way to the elevator – how do you know they weren’t trying to drive to Florida or Las Vegas?

  5. Amy Shojai says:

    Found you via Susie Lindau’s blog, and read several posts. Great blog! Am very much enjoying…and for doG’s sake, don’t hold back! LOL!

  6. curvyroads says:

    All sage advice, Robert! But wire cutters? I guess it was desperation. 🙂

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