And the madness continues…
Nine) With the possible exception of your DNA, never leave anything behind.
Anyone who has ever traveled with a small child – or an extremely regressed adult – will tell you that the worst possible fate is to be stuck in a car for hours as “I WANT TEDDY!” is emitted over and over from a human air raid siren. Your vacation is instantly transformed from a peaceful interlude to a military exercise code-named Operation: Retrieve The Most Valuable Object In The Known Universe.
From that moment on, you must get that stuffed teddy back at all costs, regardless of the fact it contains more pathogens than Lady Gaga’s vajayjay. (Anyone who wears a meat dress must have more bacteria than the CDC swimming around her nether regions, right?)
You’d be amazed by just what the modern traveler leaves in her wake, kids.
Chargers.Sunglasses.Teddy bears, blankies, soothers and various childhood totems.
The So-Far-From-Usual It Detonates Your Mind.
Sex toys that would be considered illegal in most states. Gambling winnings. (I don’t know about you, but my winnings would remain on my person at all times, not hidden in the toilet.) A sonority sister, bound, gagged, and strapped to a chair placed in the shower. (She was simultaneously dirty and clean.) A midget asleep in a fishing cooler. (Turns out his buddies put him in there when he passed out the night before and guys being guys, they felt it would be beyond hilarious to leave him there. They drove away, planning to return an hour later, but imbeciles being imbeciles, they forgot about him all-together. Seriously.)
Am I suggesting you go all Big Bang Theory and slap bar codes and GPS trackers on every item you own? Well, you could, but that would most likely begin a pattern of behavior that would end with you taking up residence in a “hotel” with rubber walls while wearing a jacket with pockets in the back.
Eight) Never, ever, pay for porn.
I’m willing to bet that more than a few of you are blushing right now; you may even be looking around to see if anyone is watching you read about, (gasp!), pornography! But this is serious business, so listen good: NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PAY TO WATCH AN ADULT FILM WHILE ON VACATION! Just remember the most sacred of Commandments:
“Thou shalt not pay for that which the Lord has provided for your pleasure, and in some cases, enlightenment.”
What’s that? Oh, right. Well, it may not be as high profile or as glamorous as most of the Big Guy’s rules, but there is a whole list of sub-Commandments out here that people really need to pay attention to. Lucky for you, your buddy The Hook lives to enlighten the masses. Hotel porn will set you back at least twenty-dollars and leave you feeling even more ashamed than you normally would be, especially when your check-out and the giggling clerk finds a way to mention your purchase. Loudly. And they always do.
So the next time the mood strikes you be sure to use that electronic device you brought along for its intended purpose, and access more free porn than you could ever view without suffering a permanent physical disability.
Of course, if your tablet, laptop, or whatever, is out of commission and your partner really wants to watch the latest Vivid Video release, “Two Catholic Girls, One Goblet“, (I hear it has superb production values and well-developed characters), then be my guest, sell a kidney and go to town. At least it’s money well spent.
Seven) Don’t book your trip blindfolded.
Adam and Eve had all they required in the Garden of Eden but in time one of their children decided he wanted something… more. And so he took an idea, an image, that, until that moment, existed only in his mind, and shared it with the world.
Unfortunately, men being men – even back then – he built the world’s first strip club. What was even more unfortunate was the fact that clothing hadn’t really caught on yet, so the “Garden of Eden Gentleman’s Club” never really took off…
But that spark ignited an inferno in mankind and so we continued to build, cutting and slashing at the green and replacing it with concrete and metal structures that reach towards the heavens. The modern age of construction is a tribute to mankind’s brilliance. Unfortunately for the modern traveler, the modern age of construction can be a disaster of Biblical proportions. Imagine being trapped for hours in highway construction-induced gridlock, only to arrive at your destination to discover… wooden walls adorned with “DANGER: CONSTRUCTION ZONE” signs plastered around the property. I’ve seen grown men reduced to tearful, whimpering idiots when they gaze upon such signs and realize the depth of their error. Not a pretty sight, folks.
And yes, the fault lies with the traveler; if you’re expecting every hospitality operator to adopt a strict moral code then I have some swampland you’ll be interested in. There is one thing every traveler must do before packing a single bag: DO YOUR HOMEWORK!
We’ll return to this golden rule again, but for now, never forget to… eh, you’ll figure it out, right?
As they say, to be continued.
See you in the lobby, kids…
Aw, what the hell… here’s one more for the road…