Epic Romantic Fails.

Well, it’s February, kiddies!

Sorry, I all assumed you were too poor to afford a calendar. I’m so ashamed.

At any rate, this is the month we all get to obsess over the outcome of one single day. And do we ever obsess…

We whine to our friends. We moan to strangers on our blogs and other social media platforms. Some of us have even taken our lives. (I’m a ray of sunshine, aren’t I?) All of this because society has told us it is a sin to be alone on Valentine’s Day.

I’ve been alone on more than one Valentine’s Day (hard to believe, right?) and I can honestly say, you can get through it with flying colors. That’s why God gave us porn and Ginger Lynn, right?

But for those of you who feel eight hours of pornography and self-love are not a viable option, take solace in this undeniable fact:

Being in a relationship does not guarantee you’ll have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Even couples can have a disastrous romantic holiday!

Of course, being the cynical bunch you are, you want proof, right?

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 1)  Spider-sex, Spider-sex, Doesn’t always turn out the way spider-sex should…  Let’s begin with the female Einstein who decided it was a great idea to hook her sex swing up in the room. To the sprinkler head on the ceiling. I’ll say this, she certainly got wet…

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2)  The Steampunkers with too much steam between their ears.  In retrospect, the hotel’s laundry was the perfect place for a couple of nerds to get steamy, but if the nerds in question decide to do it on top of the giant washers, which are ridiculously-curved? Well then, those nerds are going to risk bodily injury for a few minutes of coitus… and it ain’t worth it, folks. 

By the way, they survived to be stupid another day.

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3)  The Uninformed Sexual Adventurers.  The average elevator ride lasts ninety seconds. This may be enough time for some folks to get their rocks off, but those folks should hang their heads in shame. Fortunately, this particular couple had just enough time to get undressed before the elevator stopped on the eighteenth floor where a group of nuns was waiting.

Yes, a group of nuns really was waiting for the elevator at that moment. Don’t ask me what a group of nuns were doing n Niagara Falls on Valentine’s Day. Al I know is, they ran away screaming from the copulating couple and called security immediately. The rest is blogging history.

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4)  The gal who shattered stereotypes.  I bet you thought that story about the man who hires a hooker who ties him to the bed and steals his wallet was only an urban legend – that only applied to those with penises, right? Well, guess again, bunky!

This spunky college gal from Indiana proved women can be every bit as horny – and reckless – as men when it comes to paying for sex on Valentine’s Day. Yes, hers was the #WorstValentinesDayEver, but she was still smiling when she checked out the next day. She even had a sense of humor about the whole thing:

“Well, I did ask to be tied up…”

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5)  Biff and Buffy: The Goldfish Slayers.  These folks were the best. Period. For some inexplicable reason, they brought a goldfish with them to Niagara Falls on Valentine’s Day. Then they decided to have coitus all over the room, which, by the way, would have been fine… if they hadn’t knocked over the goldfish’s bowl. Yes, “Goldie” flipped and flopped and gasped for air as his owners did the same thing.

Unfortunately, Goldie was rewarded with a trip to the White Light rather than an orgasm. Rest in peace, Goldie.

I would have loved to be the housekeeper who was called to clean up that mess.

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I hope I’ve cheered up those of you who will be flying solo for Valentine’s Day.

But I’m guessing I failed as spectacularly as the anteaters in today’s post. Good luck, everyone!

See you in the lobby, kids…

b_e4c38cd015dda1ec6a7130fe0c03c464Say what you will, but Ginger never let anyone down…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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43 Responses to Epic Romantic Fails.

  1. No! No, no, no! I want your job. Wait – no, I don’t – it’s too cold up there for me. However, as for cheering up – yes, I laughed out loud – but, I was planning to actually DO something with the hubs on V-day and I’m afraid I am horribly underskilled based on this list of innovators. Mind out of the gutter – I was planning dinner out, something we haven’t done on V-day in years.

    • The Hook says:

      We’re in the same boat; it’s been years since we’ve celebrated holidays together. That needs to change for both of us.

      • This year it’s been on my mind constantly, to actually do Valentine’s Day. We’ve been so busy, both of us, and we’re missing time together. In the years past, I’ve always been working in the restaurant. Jury’s out on whether I will work the actual day this year (since it’s on a Sunday and I have work early the next morning) but Saturday night is THE night.

      • The Hook says:

        Have fun, young lady!
        You certainly deserve it!

  2. Valentine’s Day is completely over-rated. I’d rather receive flowers (or whatever) any other day of the year.

    Where’s the picture of the half-nude guy lounging on a pillow?

  3. Chocolates and red roses, hyper priced for one day. Hubs buys me flowers when he feels like it (and no, not because he feels guilty!) Our romance isn’t dead, it’s just in hibernation. 🙂

  4. susielindau says:

    I want Valentine’s Day to become a day of love for EVERYONE! I’m tired of the exclusive couple’s holiday, although your guests seem to make a night of it…

  5. Elevators are for making out and that is all. If clothing gets removed or anyone is aiming for an orgazm…well… They are just asking to get caught. Idiots.

    Being alone on Valentines has never bothered me…. Maybe I’m weird.. Even when I was coupled, we didn’t celebrate. I like being surprised with love. Not a fan of forced expectations. Don’t even like red roses….

    At any rate, thanks for another entertaining post.

    You are awesome. 🙂

    • The Hook says:

      So are you, Lindsey -and you always have been! It’s great to hear from you again.

      And yes, you’re weird… but in a wonderful way!

  6. I can’t get enough of your stories!! These are great. During my brief stints as hotel maid, I heard some stories from the other maids, but don’t have any of this magnitude from my own experiences. Although, I will share that one of the best tips I ever got was a six pack of beer. I guess they didn’t want to drag it home with them after their vacation.

  7. I guess you can’t say, “no goldfish were harmed in the writing of this blog.”
    R.I.P. Goldie.
    And we look forward to reading about more Valentine’s Day disasters!

  8. My wife used to ask me why I didn’t bring home flowers etc when I traveled like our neighbor. “I don’t do anything that makes me feel guilty when I travel,” was my response. Kinda the same thing about Valentine’s day. I don’t get twisted up because I try to demonstrate my love all year.

  9. The Cutter says:

    Why do you seem to think that the goldfish wasn’t involved with said sexual encounter?

  10. Cayman Thorn says:

    This is like Darwin Awards joined up with Penthouse Letters….awesome!

  11. Today I witnessed undressed people in a government building elevator. Maybe it’s just the time of year for vertical transport loving!
    It should be a Hallmark holiday 🙂

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    And this is why I remain single forevar…Sweetest Day is almost as bad.

    • The Hook says:

      You’ll meet that special someone eventually – and then you can be as miserable as the rest of us!
      Kidding!
      About the miserable part, that is…

  13. I’ve never had a problem on Valentine’s Day, but Mrs Revis and I have had a couple anniversary dinners that left us with a bad taste in our mouths.

  14. curvyroads says:

    It appears to me that natural selection is not working…and I mean the geniuses, not poor Goldie!

    We use Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, etc. as excuses to go to an extravagant brunch at our favorite winery…so I am all good with V day! 🙂

  15. My anniversary is on Valentine’s Day, which just makes it extra special every year.

  16. I have had my share of shitty Valentine’s Days but this year should be fab! Well.. the plans are to be anyway. Dinner (expensive) and a movie (also expensive these days) and an expensive bottle of wine!! and I MIGHT get lucky.. *sigh*
    Not what you THOUGHT I was gonna say, huh? :-/

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