Well, it’s February, kiddies!
Sorry, I all assumed you were too poor to afford a calendar. I’m so ashamed.
At any rate, this is the month we all get to obsess over the outcome of one single day. And do we ever obsess…
We whine to our friends. We moan to strangers on our blogs and other social media platforms. Some of us have even taken our lives. (I’m a ray of sunshine, aren’t I?) All of this because society has told us it is a sin to be alone on Valentine’s Day.
I’ve been alone on more than one Valentine’s Day (hard to believe, right?) and I can honestly say, you can get through it with flying colors. That’s why God gave us porn and Ginger Lynn, right?
But for those of you who feel eight hours of pornography and self-love are not a viable option, take solace in this undeniable fact:
Being in a relationship does not guarantee you’ll have a lovely Valentine’s Day. Even couples can have a disastrous romantic holiday!
Of course, being the cynical bunch you are, you want proof, right?
1) Spider-sex, Spider-sex, Doesn’t always turn out the way spider-sex should… Let’s begin with the female Einstein who decided it was a great idea to hook her sex swing up in the room. To the sprinkler head on the ceiling. I’ll say this, she certainly got wet…
2) The Steampunkers with too much steam between their ears. In retrospect, the hotel’s laundry was the perfect place for a couple of nerds to get steamy, but if the nerds in question decide to do it on top of the giant washers, which are ridiculously-curved? Well then, those nerds are going to risk bodily injury for a few minutes of coitus… and it ain’t worth it, folks.
By the way, they survived to be stupid another day.
3) The Uninformed Sexual Adventurers. The average elevator ride lasts ninety seconds. This may be enough time for some folks to get their rocks off, but those folks should hang their heads in shame. Fortunately, this particular couple had just enough time to get undressed before the elevator stopped on the eighteenth floor where a group of nuns was waiting.
Yes, a group of nuns really was waiting for the elevator at that moment. Don’t ask me what a group of nuns were doing n Niagara Falls on Valentine’s Day. Al I know is, they ran away screaming from the copulating couple and called security immediately. The rest is blogging history.
4) The gal who shattered stereotypes. I bet you thought that story about the man who hires a hooker who ties him to the bed and steals his wallet was only an urban legend – that only applied to those with penises, right? Well, guess again, bunky!
This spunky college gal from Indiana proved women can be every bit as horny – and reckless – as men when it comes to paying for sex on Valentine’s Day. Yes, hers was the #WorstValentinesDayEver, but she was still smiling when she checked out the next day. She even had a sense of humor about the whole thing:
“Well, I did ask to be tied up…”
5) Biff and Buffy: The Goldfish Slayers. These folks were the best. Period. For some inexplicable reason, they brought a goldfish with them to Niagara Falls on Valentine’s Day. Then they decided to have coitus all over the room, which, by the way, would have been fine… if they hadn’t knocked over the goldfish’s bowl. Yes, “Goldie” flipped and flopped and gasped for air as his owners did the same thing.
Unfortunately, Goldie was rewarded with a trip to the White Light rather than an orgasm. Rest in peace, Goldie.
I would have loved to be the housekeeper who was called to clean up that mess.
I hope I’ve cheered up those of you who will be flying solo for Valentine’s Day.
But I’m guessing I failed as spectacularly as the anteaters in today’s post. Good luck, everyone!
See you in the lobby, kids…