Maybe not, but I’m sure gonna try.
The hotel recently received their service scores for January; the month isn’t over yet, but the results were… less than stellar to say the least. After almost twenty years in the hospitality game I can honestly say these things don’t worry me anymore.
I’m the sure Hotel Management feels differently…
The thing is, service scores rise and fall like the tides. You’re always going to have guests who, for one reason or another, have an axe to grind. Sometimes their anger is justified, sometimes they’re just twisted, bitter buggers who get off on causing others misery.
I just wish those individuals would be content with their work at the DMV, but sadly, they aren’t.
Of course, sometimes the fault actually lies at the feet of the people in my neighborhood. The turnover rate can be pretty high in a hotel, and let’s face it, service positions such as housekeeping don’t have wage scales that reflect the challenges of the position – I’ve had to clean a room or two in my day and it sucks – so I understand why some people don’t exactly give 110%.
But in the end, there’s room for improvement in both sides of the counter, as they say. So here are a few ideas to raise the hotel’s service score fortunes, courtesy of my beautifully damaged mind.
1) More themed rooms. Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? Nerds currently spend more cash in the general economic marketplace than any other group – with the exception of the Kardashians – so hotels really should be catering to the geeks among us. (And yes, that includes me.) I can see it now:
- Front Desk clerks in Original Generation Star Trek uniforms.
- Doors that slide open and hiss when you use them.
- Parking garages modeled after the Batcave – complete with real bats! (Okay, maybe not; bat guano is a bitch to get off a decent paint job.)
- Elevator doors that look like the TARDIS.
- Automat restaurants like the one in season one of Marvel’s Agent Carter.
Now, if only the prices could be the same…
Come to think of it, that actually sounds pretty cool, doesn’t it?
2) Hotel Sponsored Hookers. I hate sanitized words like “escort’, “working girl”, “courtesan” or “concubine”. The cold, definitely-hard truth is this: guests will always be ordering hookers, so why shouldn’t hotels profit from that?
Additionally, hotels could screen prospective hookers to avoid hiring foul-tempered, disease-infested ladies with three teeth. Entire wings of a property could be devoted to this endeavor, thus separating the horny guests who prefer to pay for companionship from the masses. In the end (pun intended), everyone could benefit from this plan.
I’m a hospitality genius…
3) Keep desks in the rooms! For reasons known only to their dealers, executives at the Marriott hotel chain have been phasing desks out of their rooms, angering business-class guests (who are already miserable as hell half the time).
I guess Marriott execs have no idea that many of their more adventurous guests copulate on those very same desks. or at least, they used to.
Personally, I’d go the other way and make the desks more conducive to copulation. I’d add Liberator sex pillows as well, thus easing the burden of the many guests who have to lug their naughty pillows along with them, all the while worrying about snide – but clever – remarks from some smartass bellman like myself.
4) Bacon! Who doesn’t love the greasy-artery-clogging-yet-ridiculously-delicious gift from the Heavens that we call bacon? Yes, far too many travelers these days are overweight and have more chins than a Chinese phone book, but who cares? Yes, this plan would actually hurt the hotel’s chances of repeat business by bringing some guests to a premature end, but so what? Live in the now, I say!
That’s all I have for now, friends. It’s not easy being this brilliant while sober. Then again, I’m always sober, so…
See you in the lobby, kids…