The Ultimate Travel Tip: NEVER Try To Negotiate With A Working Girl.

You’re a chuckling right now, but trust me, right now, somewhere in America, there is a man with extremely damaged testicles who can attest to the value of my advice.

This poor, deluded, dumb-ass schmuck actually attempted to renegotiate the terms of the oral contract (yes, go ahead and laugh) between himself and two ebony and ivory hookers. For the uninitiated, that means one was black and one and was white. 

As happens from time to time, I was not directly involved in this situation, and for once, I am sincerely grateful for that. As an aside, the best part of this twisted Tarnatinoesque situation?

It happened twice this week.

But getting back to the schmuck in question, Lord only knows what really went on in his room (and I’m sure the Lord looked away quickly), but at some point things got ugly and according to the bits and pieces John Schmuck was willing to reveal, the following scenario played out:

1)  John Schmuck tried to negotiate… most likely during the post-coital phase.

2)  The ladies weren’t interested in negotiating – to say the least.

Fun Fact Break:  Hookers sometimes have extremely long nails, which they use to defend themselves – and to punish Johns who get unruly. Yes, this is an actual fun fact.

3)  One of the ladies used that method to teach John Schmuck a lesson his balls won’t soon forget.

4)  He ran out of the room and rather than run for the elevator, stairwell, or hallway phone… he pulled the hallway fire alarm.

5)  Inexplicably, the ladies stayed in the room for a few minutes, but eventually they ran like Kim Kardashian when she spots a pack of reporters and beat it the hell out of the hotel. (To be clear, Kim K runs to the reporters’ cameras.)

6)  Firefighters responding to the alarm reported seeing two working girls running like hell out of the hotel and right into a waiting car.

7)  John Schmuck, despite the fact his balls were bleeding profusely, refused to go to the ER. Guess he didn’t want to have the inevitable, “Doc, you’re not going to believe this one!” conversation with the attending physician.

8)  John Schmuck got some bandages, patched himself up and got the hell out of Dodge.

Fun Fact:  John Schmuck has been a regular at the hotel. I wonder if this literal brush with death will change that?

In the end, Security got a kick-ass report, I got a great post, the local fire department got irked that John wasn’t actually on fire

“Twice in a week? And neither guy was on fire? Jeez!”

the ER was spared a messy job, the hookers got frustrated and violent, and John got himself some nasty lacerations on his boy parts.

But hopefully he learned a valuable life/travel lesson:

Never, ever, attempt to negotiate with a hooker! The price is the price! If you don’t like it, don’t play the game! Trust me, the balls you save could be your own.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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31 Responses to The Ultimate Travel Tip: NEVER Try To Negotiate With A Working Girl.

  1. So, instead of repeating to myself “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home,” I should click my red heels together and instead say, “Don’t negotiate with hookers, don’t negotiate with hookers”
    Think of the lives you may have just saved, Hook! Wish your guests could read your PSAs!

  2. 1jaded1 says:

    Guess he didn’t want to take a chance on being a star on “Sex Sent Me To The E.R.” Funny fodder.

  3. I was rooting for the hookers on this one. Negotiating after the fact? How stupid was he?

  4. Maybe the ultimate, ultimate travel tip: stay away from hookers altogether!

  5. Thanks for the advice. If I ever make it to Niagara Falls, and happen to stay in a fine hotel, and happen to hire ebony and ivory, I will not pull the fire alarm in the hallway. Or, was I not supposed to run out of the room? Or was that hire ebony AND ivory? Or, try to negotiate with them? Or, not tell the bellman? Ugh. I’m confused now.

  6. I cannot speak from experience. In the UK, a verbal contract is a valid contract, enforceable in law. No price reduction is worth getting you bollocks clawed. It just isn’t.

  7. A deal’s a deal, not a squeal. Afraid I’m still laughing. Wonder if he was married and how he’s going to explain it to the wife?

  8. I have to thank you for this warning. Now if I could up off this rocking chair I might be able to take the advice.

  9. I will take that advice to heart. I swear.

  10. Hahahahahaha, (insightful comment) !

  11. Mark Myers says:

    That is advice for the ages!

  12. Cayman Thorn says:

    When the goods and services are attached to extra long finger nails, it’s probably not a good idea to negotiate post coitus. He got what he deserved.

  13. Yes, they aren’t kidding with those long nails coated with diamond strength polish

  14. Stupid is as stupid does!! ha ha ha! What an idiot! 😛

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