The Ultimate Travel Tip: NEVER Try To Negotiate With A Working Girl.

You’re a chuckling right now, but trust me, right now, somewhere in America, there is a man with extremely damaged testicles who can attest to the value of my advice.

This poor, deluded, dumb-ass schmuck actually attempted to renegotiate the terms of the oral contract (yes, go ahead and laugh) between himself and two ebony and ivory hookers. For the uninitiated, that means one was black and one and was white. 

As happens from time to time, I was not directly involved in this situation, and for once, I am sincerely grateful for that. As an aside, the best part of this twisted Tarnatinoesque situation?

It happened twice this week.

But getting back to the schmuck in question, Lord only knows what really went on in his room (and I’m sure the Lord looked away quickly), but at some point things got ugly and according to the bits and pieces John Schmuck was willing to reveal, the following scenario played out:

1)  John Schmuck tried to negotiate… most likely during the post-coital phase.

2)  The ladies weren’t interested in negotiating – to say the least.

Fun Fact Break:  Hookers sometimes have extremely long nails, which they use to defend themselves – and to punish Johns who get unruly. Yes, this is an actual fun fact.

3)  One of the ladies used that method to teach John Schmuck a lesson his balls won’t soon forget.

4)  He ran out of the room and rather than run for the elevator, stairwell, or hallway phone… he pulled the hallway fire alarm.

5)  Inexplicably, the ladies stayed in the room for a few minutes, but eventually they ran like Kim Kardashian when she spots a pack of reporters and beat it the hell out of the hotel. (To be clear, Kim K runs to the reporters’ cameras.)

6)  Firefighters responding to the alarm reported seeing two working girls running like hell out of the hotel and right into a waiting car.

7)  John Schmuck, despite the fact his balls were bleeding profusely, refused to go to the ER. Guess he didn’t want to have the inevitable, “Doc, you’re not going to believe this one!” conversation with the attending physician.

8)  John Schmuck got some bandages, patched himself up and got the hell out of Dodge.

Fun Fact:  John Schmuck has been a regular at the hotel. I wonder if this literal brush with death will change that?

In the end, Security got a kick-ass report, I got a great post, the local fire department got irked that John wasn’t actually on fire

“Twice in a week? And neither guy was on fire? Jeez!”

the ER was spared a messy job, the hookers got frustrated and violent, and John got himself some nasty lacerations on his boy parts.

But hopefully he learned a valuable life/travel lesson:

Never, ever, attempt to negotiate with a hooker! The price is the price! If you don’t like it, don’t play the game! Trust me, the balls you save could be your own.

See you in the lobby, kids…