I really don’t need to tell you which franchise, do I?
Even if you’ve been in a coma like the Bride for years, you’ve heard the Star Wars theme emanating from a television, a radio, a device, or an overzealous nerd. It’s everywhere, kids.
And so is the legendary marketing team. These guys and gals have been hard at work for decades, elevating George Lucas’ sci-fi opera from a series of movies with a spotty record to a global money-making, Death-Star-like machine that has raked in billions of dollars. The very fact that Lucasfilm had a marketing team in the Seventies is legendary on its own. Remember, Georgie Boy famously sacrificed part of his director’s salary in order to retain the merchandising rights to the first Star Wars film, a move that has made him a demi-god amongst film people.
You can find the Star Wars logo on virtually every type of product in the galaxy – with a few notable exceptions, of course.
Like what? I’m so glad you asked. Here a few Star Wars: The Force Awakens tie-in items you’ll likely never see.
1) Jar Jar Binks brand watermelons. Anyone who thinks I’ve gone too far has obviously never detected the racial undertones that went into this character’s creation.
2) Han Solo Lotion. Tired of suitors with rough hands, ladies? Now you can ensure a more pleasurable experience the next time your partner’s digits go a wanderin’! Han Solo Lotion: For hands so low, you can’t see what they’re doing… even though you can certainly feel it!
3) Chewbacca Home Perm Kit. For a mane so luxurious and firm, even a Wookie would be jealous. Though hopefully not enough to rip your arms off.
4) C-3PO Stone. Now you can be fluent – and annoying – in current and ancient dialects from all over the galaxy and beyond.
5) English for One Graders: Jar Jar Binks edition. I’ll say it for you, “Mesa think you crazy, Hook!” But think about it; you can’t understand what your kids are saying now anyway, right?
6) Dial-a-Vader. Talk about phone sex with a difference! Feeling confused right now? Like my wife says, you have to do somethings for yourself every once in awhile, buddy.
7) Luke Skywalker Binoculars. Hey, kids! Now you can see even father into the distance while pondering the consequences of making out with your sister. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always assumed Angelina Jolie was inspired by Luke and Leia when she made out with her brother at that awards show.
8) The “Luke, I Am Your Father!” Paternity Test. To help avoid those truly messy “Is he or isn’t he?” family dilemmas that sometimes result in people losing their heads, or in some cases, a hand.
9) “Hello, I’m Not The Droid You’re Looking For” Name Tags. The best products solve a common problem. Finally, a product that makes it easier to go through Imperial security without all the inconvenience of a body cavity search by a customs droid with cold, mechanical probes.
10) Ginsu Lightsaber Slicing Kit. Never mind being able to cut through a tin can, now you can slice through pretty much anything. Except for the plot holes in The Phantom Menace, that is.
Well, I’m late for a meeting with Disney’s marketing department.
See you in the lobby, my fellow Rebels…