I’m Not Customer Support, People!

But that doesn’t mean guests don’t think I have all the answers.

It has to be the glasses.

And the pasty, white guy complexion

And the tech support demeanor.

Either way, people ask me a lot of questions and so I thought I’d share some of them. Thank you, Suzie, for the inspiration. She once threatened to disable my typing fingers if I ever failed to acknowledge her greatness, so…

At any rate, here are just a few of the rather… unique queries guests have blasted me with over the last two decades. Like my life as a bellman, there is no categorization, rhyme, reason or logic to this assortment.

“Do you know if Housekeeping can get blood out of the carpet? Like… A LOT of blood? I mean… it’s EVERYWHERE!” 

No, the authorities did not become involved in this one, kids… though they probably should have been called.


“I have a problem… can you direct me to a washroom?” 

Now, before you decide I’ve lost my blogging edge and click over to a more mentally stimulating site – like Redtube – bear with me. Turns out, in this case, the question itself is irrelevant.

The fact the gentleman who asked the question was buck naked at the time? Well, that’s the fascinating – and completely icky – part, folks. He had got up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, stumbled out into the hall (without his room key, obviously), and decided to wander the lobby in search of literal relief rather than knock on the room door and wake up his traveling companion. Of course, considering the fact his daughter was his traveling companion, I can see his point, I guess.

I wish that was the only point of his I saw…

And no, I have no idea why he was sleeping nude with his daughter in the room, or why for that matter, he decided to go to the washroom naked. Or how he would up in the hall instead of the crapper. This guy appeared to completely sober – and completely clueless.



“I think it’s unfair that Americans have to recognize Canadian laws! Why do Americans have to obey the laws of a backwards country? Don’t we own you guys?”

This isn’t so much a question as it is an indictment of an entire country’s educational system.


“Are there any establishments in Niagara Falls that have culture? Like a jazz club? Or a place that features jazz and ladies midget wrestling?”

Because, you know, jazz and ladies midget wrestling go hand-in-hand.



“We’re checking out now… if I put our chihuahua in a suitcase, can you watch him in your luggage room while we see the sights?”

I know you’re shaking your head right now. Yes, this happened. No, we did not keep the dog in our storage room. Not until the clueless-but-gorgeous, ginger vixen in question forked over big bucks, that is.

Calm down, you bleeding hearts, we fetched a cage for the yappy little Mexican nut job first.


This next one came from a particularly-clueless young lady from Arkansas who was on her first trip with her new boyfriend, whom she was eager to please, apparently…

“We’re allowed to have butt sex in the room, right? I mean, there’s no law against Americans doing that in Canada, right?”

Oh, the fun I could have had with this little brain donor if only I had the time. Unfortunately, she sprang that query on me as I was leaving the room after delivering their “luggage”. (Plastic bags, a laundry basket, shoes, and of course, lots of booze to make what was to come later infinitely easier, I bet.)

I’d be a fool to try to top that one, right?

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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46 Responses to I’m Not Customer Support, People!

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    My eyes are popping out. People, really?

  2. You should have let the dog out and put the people in a cage…..

  3. Taraka says:

    There’s so many things I could say, but I’m literally so dumbstruck to share a country with anyone who balks at another country while standing on its soil, I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say.

  4. The Cutter says:

    Little did he know how much the Canadian government has been cracking down on American buttsex.

  5. NancyTex says:

    I can’t imagine how you’re able to keep a straight face during these encounters. Amazing.

  6. List of X says:

    I think there should be a Canadian law against stupid Americans trying to procreate in Canada.
    And yes, all Americans have to follow Canadian laws in Canada ever since they tried to invade it and got their asses kicked 200 years ago.

  7. And they say there’s no such thing as a stupid question.

  8. HemmingPlay says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!…..:-) Thanks for this one. I used to occupy a chair in a newsroom, and I thought some of the specimens who walked in off the street were pretty interesting, but can see now that they probably were staying in your hotel, too

  9. Haha! I love these (although you shouldn’t be telling anyone about me threatening you – you were supposed to keep that quiet)…

  10. susielindau says:

    You see EVERYTHING!

  11. shimoniac says:

    There is not enough eye wash and brain bleach in existence to make me willing to go into customer service. Though for the ‘Murricun who was peeved that he had to follow the laws of a different sovereign nation, I’d have thumped him a few and told him it was perfectly legal under Canadian law to beat foreign morons.

  12. Ally Bean says:

    Oh my. And people wonder why I avoid people. 0.o

  13. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    Oh, my gosh. The owning-Canada bit especially hurt my head.

  14. People are definitely the strangest creatures on Earth! I have recently encountered midget wrestling, sort of. I went with Blondie to a gig, and the bar was kind of empty. The manager apologized profusely and said “I’m sorry we’re so slow tonight. Most of our regulars were just too hungover. Last night we had midget wrestling, and the audience was invited to participate!” What else could we say??

  15. Those questions so beat the questions I used to get carrying tourists on a fishing boat. But we sure had fun coming up with a variety of answers.

    My favorite was actually a gag we’d play on some poor soul who had caught nothing up to that point. We’d put Henrietta in action. She was a rubber chicken whose belly was full of weights. She had a heavy mono-filament line tied to a clip that we would clip around the line of a fishing pole whose heavy jig was sitting about 300 ft. down, just off the bottom of the Atlantic. Henrietta took a while to sink down the line to the bottom, and while that was going on, one of us would take the rod and jig with it.

    Finally, she reached her destination and the rod would give a good bend. We’d start reeling in and another one of us would grab the skunked fisherman and offer him this “sure catch.” When Henrietta surfaced, we’d all let the fisherman know he finally caught something, and amidst the inevitable guffaws, we’d also let him know he got the bird.

    It was all in fun and most of the time everyone would laugh, except this one dingbat who was confused by the whole thing, and asked if she was taking Henrietta home. No. She couldn’t take our mascot home.

  16. Too much. This is why I’m a recluse. Living in a bunker. Surrounded by concertina wire and a moat filled with piranha.

  17. One time I felt awkward asking if I could have someone get me a Town car to sightsee…

    I didn’t know if I was naked I would have more confidence in my question asking skills.

  18. Cayman Thorn says:

    Copious amounts of blood on the carpet? Doesn’t anyone use drop cloths anymore?

  19. Hope you’ve got some woolies on. Sounds really cold up there.
    Laughter can keep you warm, but….
    (bet those hall ways do get a bit drafty for some of those daffy guests. What a circus – the clowns always good for a laugh.)

  20. tunisiajolyn84 says:

    I’ve worked in retail so none of this is a surprise. lol

  21. How much blood is a lot of blood?

  22. curvyroads says:

    Lol, jazz and ladies midget wrestling!

    I’m just going to pretend those ugly Americans didn’t ask or do those other things…

  23. girlseule says:

    This is too good!
    “No butt-sex allowed and we have cameras all over the room to monitor for buttsex”

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