But that doesn’t mean guests don’t think I have all the answers.
It has to be the glasses.
And the pasty, white guy complexion
And the tech support demeanor.
Either way, people ask me a lot of questions and so I thought I’d share some of them. Thank you, Suzie, for the inspiration. She once threatened to disable my typing fingers if I ever failed to acknowledge her greatness, so…
At any rate, here are just a few of the rather… unique queries guests have blasted me with over the last two decades. Like my life as a bellman, there is no categorization, rhyme, reason or logic to this assortment.
“Do you know if Housekeeping can get blood out of the carpet? Like… A LOT of blood? I mean… it’s EVERYWHERE!”
No, the authorities did not become involved in this one, kids… though they probably should have been called.
“I have a problem… can you direct me to a washroom?”
Now, before you decide I’ve lost my blogging edge and click over to a more mentally stimulating site – like Redtube – bear with me. Turns out, in this case, the question itself is irrelevant.
The fact the gentleman who asked the question was buck naked at the time? Well, that’s the fascinating – and completely icky – part, folks. He had got up in the middle of the night to relieve himself, stumbled out into the hall (without his room key, obviously), and decided to wander the lobby in search of literal relief rather than knock on the room door and wake up his traveling companion. Of course, considering the fact his daughter was his traveling companion, I can see his point, I guess.
I wish that was the only point of his I saw…
And no, I have no idea why he was sleeping nude with his daughter in the room, or why for that matter, he decided to go to the washroom naked. Or how he would up in the hall instead of the crapper. This guy appeared to completely sober – and completely clueless.
“I think it’s unfair that Americans have to recognize Canadian laws! Why do Americans have to obey the laws of a backwards country? Don’t we own you guys?”
This isn’t so much a question as it is an indictment of an entire country’s educational system.
“Are there any establishments in Niagara Falls that have culture? Like a jazz club? Or a place that features jazz and ladies midget wrestling?”
Because, you know, jazz and ladies midget wrestling go hand-in-hand.
“We’re checking out now… if I put our chihuahua in a suitcase, can you watch him in your luggage room while we see the sights?”
I know you’re shaking your head right now. Yes, this happened. No, we did not keep the dog in our storage room. Not until the clueless-but-gorgeous, ginger vixen in question forked over big bucks, that is.
Calm down, you bleeding hearts, we fetched a cage for the yappy little Mexican nut job first.
This next one came from a particularly-clueless young lady from Arkansas who was on her first trip with her new boyfriend, whom she was eager to please, apparently…
“We’re allowed to have butt sex in the room, right? I mean, there’s no law against Americans doing that in Canada, right?”
Oh, the fun I could have had with this little brain donor if only I had the time. Unfortunately, she sprang that query on me as I was leaving the room after delivering their “luggage”. (Plastic bags, a laundry basket, shoes, and of course, lots of booze to make what was to come later infinitely easier, I bet.)
I’d be a fool to try to top that one, right?
See you in the lobby, kids…