Ten People I Met On New Year’s Eve: Part Two.

If you missed Part One:  You’re on your own! I can’t do everything! Let’s continue, shall we?

7)  The Drunk Frat Boy From Boston Who Blew Chunks All Over His Girlfriend.  Please, sir, don’t ever change. Fat, drunk and stupid at five in the evening may not be any way to go through life… but it’s a joy to behold. And so I thank you.


8)  The Two Police Officers Who Didn’t Arrest Me.  I was walking through the hotel’s main lobby when the smell of a particular type of pizza emanating from our lobby cafe caught my attention. I passed a colleague and I innocently remarked, “Do you smell bacon? Because I smell bacon!”

My colleague just looked at me with a terrified look, the kind of look I imagine a Kardashian gets when they’re asked to open a book. At any rate, I turned around, and wouldn’t you know it?

There were two extra-duty police officers standing right behind me.

They just shot me an icy look. I walked away. Quickly. End of story.

9)  All The Guests I Nearly Ran Over With My Luggage Cart.  Yes, I know some of you were pretty pissed at me – and probably still are – but don’t kid yourselves; if I wanted to hit you… I would have.

But I’m sorry anyway. The only way a bellman survives on New Year’s Eve is to navigate his way through the lobby like Sonic the Hedgehog – on acid. The more calls I can do, the better my chances of actually making a few dollars.

10)  The Super-Young Girls Who Wanted My Advice. They were sweet – but dumb as wood.

“We want to do something really special to… ‘ring’ in the new year with our boyfriends! Do you know a good place in the hotel where we won’t get caught?”

Yes, kids today really are that dumb. And apparently, they have no culture; they had no idea where my response was coming from.

“I have an idea. Why don’t you… act like… real human beings?”

The two of them just stood there, paralyzed by their own ignorance. Caddyshack should be mandatory viewing in schools. What’s wrong with public education today? They didn’t even understand what was happening when they began simultaneously playing along with my act.

ME: You take drugs, ladies?


ME:  Good. Then what’s your problem?

THE RAVEN-HAIRED WANNABE VIXEN: We just want to know a freaky place where we can fuck our boyfriends!

ME:  You rented a room, didn’t you?

THEM:  (Together.)  That’s boring!

ME:  (Sighing.)  Fine. Well, since we’re down the Rabbit Hole anyway –

THEM:  (Giggling like school girls on acid.)  You said “hole”!

ME:  (Sighing like an old man trying to get up the power to climb stairs.)  Fine… since we’re down the… since the conversation has steered this way anyway… here’s an idea: why don’t you have sex with each other, then have sex with your boyfriends. If that doesn’t blow their minds, then they’re not worth having around anyway!

They just stared at me for a long time, with an indescribable look that screamed, “WHAT?”

Then I clued in.

ME:  To be clear, girls, I’m suggesting you have sex with each while your boyfriends watch


ME:  Then you can have sex with your boyfriends.


THE STRAWBERRY-BLONDE-IN-A-BOTTLE:  I don’t know about that plan…

ME:  Oh, so now there’s a line you won’t cross?

At any rate, they tipped me, thanked me for my “help” and just stared at each other with a ridiculously-puzzled look as I left the room. I think they were contemplating a “dry run” of my plan, if you will.

I so love educating young people.

And on that rather offbeat note, I’ll see you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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21 Responses to Ten People I Met On New Year’s Eve: Part Two.

  1. List of X says:

    I feel like your true career calling might have been in directing porn movies, Hook. 🙂

  2. Reblogged this on Suzie Speaks and commented:
    My fourth Top Blogger to Follow in 2016 is The Hook… His posts are hilarious, poignant and highly observant – well worth a read! Indeed, I’m Hooked! (see what I did there!) Enjoy!

  3. Julie Burton says:

    At least you got a tip. Looking forward to reading 2016!!

  4. The Cutter says:

    There’s no way they didn’t go through with it.

  5. Bacon and chunks. The posts got the new year covered.
    Cheers and roll on into 2016!

  6. The Guat says:

    Ha! That police story cracked me up. Loved how you didn’t end up in handcuffs. Happy New Year!

  7. Cayman Thorn says:

    Those girls make renting a hotel room so you can do all kinds of crazy shit sound quaint!

  8. Excellent young girl advice. You could have also suggested that they set up a recording device and when the whole (em) thing was over they could send the video to their grandparents.

  9. Awesome advice, my husband would suggest the same…to others. 😉

  10. tunisiajolyn84 says:

    8 is my favorite number and you, my friend, have further proved why it is. lol Hilarious!

  11. curvyroads says:

    I am afraid we are doomed as a society. And yes, I realize that our parents probably said the same thing many years ago. Ick.

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