If you missed Part One: You’re on your own! I can’t do everything! Let’s continue, shall we?
7) The Drunk Frat Boy From Boston Who Blew Chunks All Over His Girlfriend. Please, sir, don’t ever change. Fat, drunk and stupid at five in the evening may not be any way to go through life… but it’s a joy to behold. And so I thank you.
8) The Two Police Officers Who Didn’t Arrest Me. I was walking through the hotel’s main lobby when the smell of a particular type of pizza emanating from our lobby cafe caught my attention. I passed a colleague and I innocently remarked, “Do you smell bacon? Because I smell bacon!”
My colleague just looked at me with a terrified look, the kind of look I imagine a Kardashian gets when they’re asked to open a book. At any rate, I turned around, and wouldn’t you know it?
There were two extra-duty police officers standing right behind me.
They just shot me an icy look. I walked away. Quickly. End of story.
9) All The Guests I Nearly Ran Over With My Luggage Cart. Yes, I know some of you were pretty pissed at me – and probably still are – but don’t kid yourselves; if I wanted to hit you… I would have.
But I’m sorry anyway. The only way a bellman survives on New Year’s Eve is to navigate his way through the lobby like Sonic the Hedgehog – on acid. The more calls I can do, the better my chances of actually making a few dollars.
10) The Super-Young Girls Who Wanted My Advice. They were sweet – but dumb as wood.
“We want to do something really special to… ‘ring’ in the new year with our boyfriends! Do you know a good place in the hotel where we won’t get caught?”
Yes, kids today really are that dumb. And apparently, they have no culture; they had no idea where my response was coming from.
“I have an idea. Why don’t you… act like… real human beings?”
The two of them just stood there, paralyzed by their own ignorance. Caddyshack should be mandatory viewing in schools. What’s wrong with public education today? They didn’t even understand what was happening when they began simultaneously playing along with my act.
ME: You take drugs, ladies?
THE STRAWBERRY-BLONDE-IN-A-BOTTLE: Every day!
ME: Good. Then what’s your problem?
THE RAVEN-HAIRED WANNABE VIXEN: We just want to know a freaky place where we can fuck our boyfriends!
ME: You rented a room, didn’t you?
THEM: (Together.) That’s boring!
ME: (Sighing.) Fine. Well, since we’re down the Rabbit Hole anyway –
THEM: (Giggling like school girls on acid.) You said “hole”!
ME: (Sighing like an old man trying to get up the power to climb stairs.) Fine… since we’re down the… since the conversation has steered this way anyway… here’s an idea: why don’t you have sex with each other, then have sex with your boyfriends. If that doesn’t blow their minds, then they’re not worth having around anyway!
They just stared at me for a long time, with an indescribable look that screamed, “WHAT?”
Then I clued in.
ME: To be clear, girls, I’m suggesting you have sex with each while your boyfriends watch…
ME: Then you can have sex with your boyfriends.
THE RAVEN-HAIRED WANNABE VIXEN: I’m in!
THE STRAWBERRY-BLONDE-IN-A-BOTTLE: I don’t know about that plan…
ME: Oh, so now there’s a line you won’t cross?
At any rate, they tipped me, thanked me for my “help” and just stared at each other with a ridiculously-puzzled look as I left the room. I think they were contemplating a “dry run” of my plan, if you will.
I so love educating young people.
And on that rather offbeat note, I’ll see you in the lobby, kids…